


The Edge of Everything

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, F/M, Falling In Love, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 15:17:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 92,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8332552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: Nesta Acheron became pregnant after a night she can't remember with a man she wishes she could forget. She chose to keep her baby and her best friend and sister are helping her raise her daughter. It's been two years since Tomas hurt her, two years since he extinguished her fire. How can Nesta protect her daughter when the man who hurt her suddenly reappears in her life? How is she supposed to move on from that terrible night when she can't figure out who Cassian is to her. Is he her best friend? Or is she being selfish by stopping her heart from telling her what she truly wants?Being a single mother is hard. Being a single and confused mother is even harder. At least Nesta has one thing she can always count on. Her love and adoration for her two year old daughter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so here is my AU of Nessian. Pretty excited to share because I had no idea what I was doing with it until I started like chapter 4. So I hope you like it, please comment I love to see your theories.
> 
> Just a fair warning there is mention of sexual assault and rape. I know that's a bit heavy, but I didn't focus on that too much. This is a story about a girl who overcomes what happens to her and focusing on her daughter.

Rey's little giggle echoed through the house. I couldn't believe she's already two. I can't believe it's been three years since the worst night of my life. And yet even though circumstances could've been different, I got the greatest gift of all. My daughter.

Having a child out of wedlock is hard. But becoming pregnant as a result of assault is even harder. My pregnancy wasn't magical. It wasn't everyone touching my belly and asking me how excited I was to become a mother. It was filled with fear and indecision. Did I want my baby? The baby that could possibly remind me of the man who hurt me?

I knew I could never give her up. The day she was born she came kicking and screaming into this world. My heart snapped back together and I knew she was my daughter. She had my eyes, my golden hair. Cassian even said she had my fire, my stubborn will. She was perfect, not a trace of her father inside her. I felt guilty for thinking of giving her away.

Rey's giggles turned into squeals as I stood in the kitchen. I would've been worried If I hadn’t heard his deep voice. He was always there, always a heartbeat away from us, helping and willing to offer a hand. I brought my cup of tea up to my mouth. I took a sip as he came walking into the kitchen. I was surprised he was awake this early and not heading to work.

Cassian wasn’t a morning person. He was barely able to function without at least three cups of coffee.

He looked put together this morning. His dark hair was shorter, his dark eyes sparkled as he held my daughter in his arms. He was smiling, that was always my favorite sight to see. He smiled no matter what, his laughter had pulled me through the hardest days. He was wearing a black tee shirt that hugged the muscles on his arms. Maybe it was because he was holding my toddler, but something about him seemed different today.

He looked even better than I remembered.

"Nesta." Cassian greeted me with his lazy smile. He had Rey thrown over his shoulder. She was giggling like crazy, "have you seen Rey? I came to give her her birthday present."

I shook my head. If we hadn't been best friends since we were kids I would've gone crazy. He was my saving grace, the person who helped me the most during my darkest days. Hell he was the one there in the delivery room because Feyre was late to the hospital.

He was my best friend, my rock. He loved little Rey like his own. 

"Actually I haven't seen her yet this morning. I'm thinking she wants to skip presents."

She wiggled in his big arms, her little legs kicking as she giggled louder, "no Ashian! Presents!"

She could never get his name right. But it was okay because he loved her version more. Her little lisp made it that much cuter. I set down my cup and walked around to him. I tickled her sides and she squealed even louder in his ear.

My eyes found his and I offered him a lazy smile this time, "give me my daughter."

He winked as he threw her back over his shoulder, catching her before she fell to the floor. She kept laughing, she loved rough housing with the boys. I shook my head as he finally handed me the little girl. She was tiny for a two year old. I picked her up and kissed her cheek, "happy birthday sweetheart," I smiled down at her as she hugged me.

"Mama," the first time she ever called me mama I melted. All the pain and sleepless nights had been more than worth it that day. Because it didn't matter how she became to be. All that mattered as that she was here. And she was mine. No one else had a claim to her.

I kissed her cheek as I set her back down and she started to dance around the room. I looked at my best friend, wondering if there was a purpose to this visit. Part of me feared he was going to ask me about dating another one of my friends. That had gone so well last week, “what are you doing up so early Cass?”

Cassian smiled at us, "well I came to give Rey her present," he pulled a box out of his jacket. Rey came running back over as he handed it to her, "and to take my two favorite girls out for breakfast. What do you say?"

I smiled at him, "don't you have work?"

"Rhysand let me have the day off," he gave me another lazy smile. It was that crooked smile I had loved so much growing up.

I used to think I was in love with that smile. Maybe one day I had developed a crush on my best friend. But over the years I knew it would turn into nothing. Because Cassian was destined for bigger and better things than being here with me. He could have any girl he wanted, he would never choose me.

Friends was all I needed. After what Tomas did to me I didn't think about men anymore. He used me and then took what he wanted. I still had nightmares. Sometimes I would wake up screaming and Feyre would come crawl into bed with me. She was my other saving grace.

I stopped Rey from tearing open her present, “what do you say to Ashian for you present, young lady?”

She giggled, “fank you Ashian!” 

She threw her arms around his waist, they barely even hit his back. He hugged her, but his eyes were watching me. He was always watching me. He was always making sure I was okay. At first I thought it was because of how everything had happened to bring us to this moment. But now, now I wasn’t quiet sure.

"Let me get the little one dressed," I sighed as she stood between us, "want to go with Ashian to the diner?"

She nodded, "yeah!"

Cassian melted whenever she looked at him. He was puddy in her hand ever since I brought her home. We may not be together, but he helped me with every diaper, every feeding. He even took turns getting up with her at nighttime when she cried. He stayed here so much that first month Feyre threatened to charge him rent. And like the good man he is he offered her some. 

Looking back now I never had a nightmare when he was sleeping beside me.

"I'll wait here," he sat down at the counter as I picked my child back up. I kissed his cheek and then Rey did too. 

"Thank you Ashian," I whispered softly as he blushed

"You know you're my girls," he pushed my hair behind my ears, "now let's go before they start serving lunch!"

I smiled as Rey giggled louder. I walked with her, bouncing her in my arms as we walked up the stairs. My little girl was so happy. I couldn't believe how lucky I had gotten. It was a marvel to realize one of my darkest moments brought me the brightest spot in my life. 

Feyre yawned as she opened her bedroom door, "hey guys. Happy birthday Rey."

My sister and I had never been close. It wasn't until I showed up here crying and soaked through with rain that we bonded. When I found out I was pregnant I came here. I had no idea why, but I knew Feyre would be a better choice than Elain. And I was right. She brought me in, listened to what happened, and then told me that her spare room was ours.

She promised to help me, to support whatever decision I made. That night, three years ago she was the older sister. Because she never judged me, never asked me if it was my fault. Instead she held my hand as I cried and promised no matter what this baby would be surrounded by love.

After I pulled myself together she called Cassian. Both of them put together helped heal my heart. Maybe that's why I decided to keep my baby. Because the two people I cared most about where the ones who told me everything would be okay. Maybe I just needed to hear it from them. Their support made it easier to tell everyone about my pregnancy.

Our parents had been a little shocked. Out of the three of us they never thought I would be the one to have a child first, especially at eighteen. But they warmed up to the idea, and I left out exactly how it happened. I didn’t want my father going to Tomas and his family and speaking his mind. So I just told them it was a one night stand and left it at that.

Telling my other sister though. That had been harder. Because she had been friends with Tomas before we started dating. She thought he walked on water and I wanted her to know the truth.

Elain stopped talking to me when I told her I was pregnant. That was one of the hardest parts of telling her the truth. My little sister, whom I've loved and protected since before I can remember, didn't believe me. She didn't believe me, blinded by what she thought were feelings for Tomas. She had always been jealous he picked me over her. 

Now I'm glad he did. Because I would've killed him if he had ever laid a hand on Elain. She was too gentle, too innocent for someone as evil as him. I was glad he never even looked at her or Feyre. I would bare the scars he gave me so that my sisters would never have to live with such pain, such fear. I was the older sister. It was my job to protect them from the evils in this world.

And Tomas was one of the worst evils that could be found.

Elain showed up at the hospital when Rey was born. Feyre called her and begged her to come meet her very first niece. Somehow Feyre got through to her and Elain showed up. She didn't speak to me, but she did hold Rey and she cried. She said she was beautiful. She told Feyre she was sorry. I didn't need an apology. I just wanted my little sister back.

Before she left she brought me her old baby blanket. It was a patchwork of baby clothes our mother made before she had Feyre. Elain kept it after we got older, I'm not sure why. But I was grateful she wanted Rey to have it. When she handed me the blanket she said she was sorry, that she shouldn't have pushed me away. I could tell she still didn't believe me. When I held Rey in my arms that didn't matter. 

Sometimes Elain visits. She talks to me now. It's not the same as it was before. Then again I know it never will be. Because we both said hurtful things to each other. I know that Lucien is one of the reasons she stopped holding her grudge. When she met the red head she called me and said apologized for not believing me. She wished she had been there for me.

Now we try. We try to be in each other's lives. But she isn't friends with my friends. She never seemed to fit in with us. We will always be sisters, but we will never be as close as Feyre and I are. Because Feyre has always been like our mother. Feyre had always been the bridge that filled the gap between us. 

Whereas I have always been my own person.

Tomas left after he took advantage of me. We were eighteen, he didn't have to even blink before he was off to college. Me, I had to pull myself together and figure out how to move on when I kept having nightmares. When I kept wondering if every guy was going to hurt me the way he had.

Cassian was the exception to that fear. Thankfully he already had a job with Rhysand and his company. He stayed here in our little town of Velaris with me. If it hadn't been for him I would've fallen apart completely. If it hadn't been for Feyre I would've lost all hope in myself too.

When Tomas left I thought that was it. I didn't seek him out to let him know about his daughter. I didn't consider him her father. Only the sperm donor. Although on some of my dark days I had a hard time remembering that she was more me than him.

In the beginning when she was a baby I would sometimes refuse to touch her. Those were the days when Feyre would help me the most. It was like my mind refused to see anything but Tomas. Those were the days when sleep wouldn't claim me. I would scream or cry until my poor body shut down. The doctors called it post traumatic stress. They gave me medicine to help.

I felt guilty for being so selfish in the first few months of my child’s life. We were bonded, but even that wasn’t enough to keep the darkness away.

I stopped taking the medicine when Rey turned one. I knew I was strong enough without medicine. I stopped caring about him the day my daughter called me mama and I knew she would always belong to me. I wanted to be a strong role model. I wanted my daughter to believe the world was a better place than it really was.

Still I feared the day he might come home. I feared he might look at her and wonder. Although I don't think he would care. He got what he wanted out of me. He hurt me, he used his power to touch me in ways I never wanted him to. He got his thrill and moved on with his life.

I didn't expect him to play the role of daddy at any point in his life.

Which was so different from watching Cassian. He never had a father, his mother was barely there while we were growing up. I can still remember punching a few kids who called him a bastard. He had been impressed with my mean right hook in first grade. I beat up all the boys who said he was a no good bastard because his father left before he was born. They were more afraid of me than they were of him.

I knew it bothered him. Not having a father was hard for him. He played it off with jokes and smiles, but I knew deep down he wished he had had someone in his life the way all the other boys had.

But watching him with Rey, you would never know he didn't have that kind of love when he was younger. Because he was an amazing father figure. He was so sweet and caring. He looked at her and listened to her as if she held the entire world in her little eyes. Sometimes even I found I was jealous.

My father had never been as attentive as him. Rey was lucky, because she didn't just have Cassian. She had Rhysand and Azriel, who all treated her like a queen. She would never wonder how a man should treat her because she had the best three there ever were.

She would never have to go through something as awful as I did. She would know love, she would know what the real thing looked and felt like. Because she was surrounded by it. She was more loved than any child in a two parent home. I couldn't believe how lucky we had gotten. Even on my brightest days while pregnant I never even imagined having the support I had found in my inner circle.

I didn't thank them enough.

I sat Rey down on the changer and grabbed the outfit we bought for today. She chose it, a sparkly pink dress with a crown. My baby was pure girl through and through. I situated the dress and then brushed out her hair. She was born with so much hair it had given me heartburn for months. It was the same shade as mine, so were her eyes.

Everyone called her my mini me. Sometimes strangers would asked if I just copy and pasted myself into a child. I was glad she looked so much like me. I never had to explain the pain of her father. I did however dread the day when she finally asked who he was and why he wasn’t in her life. I wasn’t sure what I would tell her.

But I knew it wouldn’t be the truth. I would spare her that pain until she was old enough to understand how life worked.

Tomas never talked to me after that night. He never cared to see me again. So he doesn't know about his child. I didn't feel the need to seek him out. He had forced me up into his bedroom, he drugged me so I wouldn't fight back. He didn't deserve to be a father.

And I would protect my daughter from him at all costs.

Feyre was dressed now as she came into our room, "where are you two going?"

"Ashian. Diner," Rey giggled as her aunt tapped her nose, "beakfast. You come auntie fey?"

She couldn't say Feyre either. So she started calling my sister Fey. It was cute, Feyre sobbed when that happened. My sister loved being a caretaker. She didn't even blink when she asked me to move in so she could help. She might be younger than me, but she was a lot wiser. I was more than lucky to have her.

Especially since she forgave me for those few lost years between us. 

She smiled, "can I tag along? I think Rhysand wanted to spoil her today too."

I rolled my eyes. Of course he wanted to spoil her. He loved spoiling all of us. Rhysand, Feyre's boyfriend who hasn't proposed yet. The two met while I was pregnant, Cassian brought him over. One minute they were fighting and the next they were inseparable. He was a good man, perfect for my sister. Loving and kind. He adored her.

I hated him in the beginning. Because he was everything Tomas wasn't. He would never hurt my sister, he would never force her to do anything. And I watched them, six months pregnant, start to date and I realized how wrong I had been about every guy I ever cared about.

They were all the same. Bad boys I thought I could change. Assholes who only wanted one thing. I should've listened to Cassian when he told me none of them were good enough for me. Even though I wanted to ask him who that left. But I never did. Because I was afraid he would tell me I would just wind up alone.

I wasn't alone though. I had Rey. She was my world now. I didn't need anyone but her and Cassian. My baby and my best friend.

"Sure. Tell him to meet us there. I'm sure Azriel and Mor will tag along too," I smiled as Rey's eyes lit up. She loved Rhysand's cousin and her quiet boyfriend. As much as it pained him Azriel took to my daughter as fast as everyone else. She had a way of charming the pants off of you.

Feyre kissed my cheek, "it'll be a good day, Nes," she whispered knowing where my mind was going, "you aren't alone anymore."

I nodded, a tear sliding down my cheek as she hugged me tightly. I smiled as she pulled away and Rey reached for her, "auntie Fey," she giggled as Feyre scooped her up.

"We should get going. Cassian is downstairs," I wiped away my tears and pulled myself together.

Feyre laughed, "you need to get dressed. I'll take the little one and you go put on something pretty for your man."

I rolled my eyes, "we're friends Feyre."

"Whatever you say." 

She left with Rey as I stood there watching. Feyre was hell bent on getting Cassian to admit his feelings for me. Once, after Rey was eight months, I got really drunk. Azriel was babysitting, Feyre said I needed some time off. So we went out and she bought the drinks. I told her how I always knew I'd end up alone. But I always thought Cassian would be an option.

Then I told her my deepest darkest secret. She never forgot. Now she wanted to play match maker. I knew he wouldn't want me. Not with the baggage I now carried.

He might like playing fun uncle, but I knew he wouldn't want to slip into the role of father anytime soon. He was too wild and reckless for that.

I changed into a pair of dark jeans and a nice shirt. I didn't care about my appearance that much anymore. Because I had a daughter to take care of. 

I looked at my reflection and pushed all thoughts of Cassian out of my head. I couldn't go down that road again. Not when I knew it would only end horribly. Because this time I didn't just have to worry about my heart. I knew Rey would be crushed if she lost her Ashian.

And I would do everything to protect my child's heart. Which included ignoring my own.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta learns she might not be able to handle everything that's suddenly coming back to town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is coming soon guys I promise! Nesta isn't one to embrace her feelings right away.

The diner was packed. I had never seen it so busy on a friday morning before. I didn't think we were going to get a table. Until I saw Rhysand wave his hand at us. He must have come ahead and grabbed the biggest table. Rey wiggled out of my arms and ran to him.

“Rey!” I called after her as she toddled quickly into her uncle’s arms. I shook my head, watching as his whole face lit up as she called him Rhys. She was way too spoiled. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I couldn't help but smile as he scooped her up and kissed both her cheeks. She giggled as he tickled her. He sat back down in his seat and pulled out a present. I rolled my eyes, of course they all had presents. I told them they didn't need to buy her anything but they rarely listened.

"You are spoiling my daughter," I sat down on his left, Feyre taking the seat on his right. I watched as she kissed his cheek, his hand falling down to touch her thigh. As always with them a pang of jealousy washed over me. I wanted that. I wanted someone solid and sure.

Cassian sat down beside me. Rhysand laughed, "birthdays are for spoiling Nesta. Especially when the child isn't yours. Don't worry I didn't spend too much."

Rey ripped the wrapping paper. It was a small box and I had a feeling I knew what it was. She lifted the lid and found a gold bracelet inside. Her initials were on the small gold bar. A little star held her birthstone. A diamond. I shook my head as Rey hugged him.

Two years old and she loved jewelry, "pretty!" She said as he put it on her wrist. She kept staring, her gray blue eyes bright as she showed me, “mama!”

I nodded my head and smiled for my daughter. She hugged Rhysand and I heard her say thank you to him. At least I had gotten something through to her. She had her manners and her charm.

"Too much," I whispered as Cassian smiled at me. I glared at my best friend, "did you know about that?"

He shook his head, "nope. Don't worry all I got her was a baby doll."

"Good," I huffed as the waitress came to take our order. She looked familiar, I wasn’t sure why but I felt like I had seen her before. She didn’t linger long enough for me to stare though. She took our order and left. It was fast and painless, we all already knew what we wanted. She smiled and told us she would be back for drinks. 

I couldn’t help but notice before she walked away that her eyes lingered on me and Rey.

She didn't say anything when she left, but something pulled in my stomach. Rey was talking up a storm to her aunt and Rhysand. She hadn't left his lap since we got here. If she had to choose a favorite person it would be so very hard for my two year old little girl. Because she had so many favorites she wouldn’t know where to start. 

Tears filled my eyes as I watched my sister with her. We both looked so much alike that as they sat there I realized Rey could’ve belonged to them. Although she had no features from Rhysand, she looked slightly like Feyre. They could be a happy little family, holding their daughter and listening to her talk about her pretty new bracelet.

I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear slipped down my cheek. The sight before me was everything I never thought I wanted. I was happy with my life, with Rey and nothing else. But seeing how attached she was to Rhysand and Cassian, watching her little face light up whenever they came into the room crushed me.

I wanted her to have a father. I wanted her to have a male person who would teach her all the things I couldn’t. It hurt my heart to know she might never have something as solid as that.

Cassian pulled my hand towards his lap. I shook my head, pulling myself out of the haze of emotions and feelings as I felt the warmth from his fingers seep into mine. He ran his thumb across the back of my hand, it soothed the ache that had started to open as I watched Rey with her family.

"Everything okay?" He asked quietly. 

"Yeah. I just can't believe she's two," I felt emotional about everything today. I felt as if this was the biggest milestone she would ever reach. 

I never thought I would make it through the darkness that surrounded me after what happened. And now I was happy, I truly love my daughter. I still feel guilty for the way I felt when I was pregnant with her.

"I remember when she was born. You were so tired and crushing my hand. But you kept pushing and she kept fighting. And then she let out the loudest cry I've ever heard in my life. And there she was. Our little bundle of joy."

I smiled at his memory, the way he called her our bundle of joy. I squeezed his hand, “and you were pale as a ghost, looking close to passing out. Until you leaned in and said, ‘five more minutes Nesta. Just push for five more minutes and we’ll have a lifetime of happiness.’”

He nodded as his eyes landed on Rey, “I wasn’t wrong was I? I’m pretty sure that little girl makes everyone at this table happier than they’ve ever been.”

I nodded, feeling my chest tighten at the way he looked at her. Even if she never had a real father, she would always have Cassian. He was more than enough for her and for me, “I never thanked you for helping me. When she was born and now. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you Cass. Thank you."

He kissed my forehead. Some people thought it was weird, that we were friends and yet he would hold my hand of kiss my cheek. But I never found it weird, he was the only person who could comfort me in this way. I wasn’t a person who wanted to be touched all the time. But with Cassian it was as natural as breathing.

Touching was something we had always done. It was the only thing that could pull me through the dark.

Cassian sighed as he brought his eyes back to mine, "any decent man would have been there for you. I love that little girl. It wasn't a chore or a favor. I wanted to help you. I still do."

I leaned into his side as the waitress brought out our drinks. She kept staring at me, her eyes landing on Rey. I didn't like how she was staring at my daughter. It didn’t sit right with me, the fact that I couldn’t place her. We kept staring at each other as she walked around the table. Finally she sighed.

"Nesta? Nesta Acheron right?" She looked surprised when I pulled away from Cassian.

I nodded, "yeah."

She smiled brightly, "I'm Tara. You probably don't remember me. Tomas's sister. I can't believe you're still here. I can't believe," she stopped, "is she your daughter?”

It all clicked into place. Tara had Tomas’s dirty blonde hair, the freckles that lined his face. She had his lazy smile and those bright green eyes. But worse, she had that same cocky attitude. The one that made them think everyone wanted to be their friend. I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. I couldn’t stop seeing him in her.

It was worse than I ever imagined, seeing him again.

"Yes," I said softly. I gripped Cassian's hand tighter on top of the table, "she's our daughter."

Tara's eyes narrowed, "she looks so much like you. And yet," she shrugged, "maybe I'm seeing things. But I swear she has my brother’s nose. How old is she?”

Rey held up her fingers the way Feyre had been teaching her, “two!” 

She smiled proudly as Tara’s eyes got even wider. I knew she remembered me and her brother, I knew she was trying to figure out why she thought this child looked like her brother. It was like she was trying to piece together a mystery and I didn’t like that she was so focused on Rey.

Cassian squeezed my hand. But I felt my emotions explode. I wouldn’t let her think she had a claim. I wouldn’t let her think her brother had a right to know I had a child, even if I wanted her to believe she belonged to Cassian. I shook my head and glared at the waitress.

"Your brother broke up with me," my voice was hard as Rhysand kept his arms around Rey. I was thankful she was on Rhysand’s lap and not closer. I would’ve walked out with her and not looked back. He kept her calm and I was glad for my sister’s boyfriend in that moment. He held her close and they both watched me cling to Cassian, "he didn't care about me, he hurt me. Not emotionally, physically. So you don’t even have to consider telling him I’m still here. I don’t want him to know.”

Tara's eyes went wide, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. He just stopped talking about you."

"Good." I said hard, "because I stopped caring about him the day he left. As you can see I moved on.”

Tara nodded slightly and then walked away. I felt my chest go tight. Every emotion I bottled up after the events of that night opened. I felt my body shut down, I felt the horror of waking up without a memory, with pain in my legs and my arms come floating back to me. My hands were shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. Cassian pulled me into his chest, tears sliding down my cheek. 

My mind kept racing back to one single sentence. He was back. If Tara was here it meant Tomas was back. My entire body starting shaking then, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down.

"Excuse us," Cassian said as he helped me out of my chair and towards the door, "you've got Rey?"

I saw my sister nod through my tears, "yeah. She's fine.”

Thank god he could think straight. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want her to see me breaking down because someone had mentioned the man who hurt me, the man who I never wanted to see again.

Cassian pulled me out into the open air and hugged me tightly. His big strong arms held me so tightly I thought he might be able to put my broken pieces back together. I took in a deep breath, trying to let him and his scent soothe me. When I was pregnant I loved the smell of him. Sandalwood and sunlight I used to call it.

He would laugh and tell me sunlight didn't have a scent.

"Breathe Nesta," he whispered as his fingers ran up and down my back, "he's not going to come back into your life. I won't let him. He won't even be able to look at Rey. I promise you Rhysand, Azriel, and I will do everything we can to make sure he doesn't know you're still here."

I nodded slowly, air rushing back into my lungs. I wrapped my arms around my best friend, "I have to protect her. I can’t, she’s so innocent,” my voice broke as I pulled back and looked at him through my tears, “no one protected me."

Cassian held me tighter. I knew he was beating himself up. He told me after Rey was born he blamed himself. It was hard for him to look at me as he said the words. He should've protected me, he should've stopped Tomas before this all happened. He thought it was his job to protect me, he promised as much while we held Rey in my bed.

"I'll protect you," he whispered, “I will always protect you and Rey."

I wiped away my tears and looked up into his dark eyes. His hair was shorter than he usually wore it. I reached up and pulled a strand, "thanks. For being my person.”

He was quiet for a moment, then he reached up and wiped away one last tear. He leaned in and kissed my cheek, “don’t let the hard days win Nesta. You’re stronger than this, the strongest woman I know. Tomas doesn’t deserve a single thought in your pretty little head.”

I forced a smile as I took in another deep breath. I nodded slowly as I laced our fingers together, “thank you Cassian.”

He smiled slightly, "you okay? She has to believe Rey is ours now."

I nodded. "I'm okay. Thanks to you."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "please don't ever leave me," I whispered as he pulled me into his warm side. I felt safe in his arms. I felt safe in his life. I knew that's why Rey loved him so much. Because Cassian had always been our safe place to land.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get harder for Nesta once Tomas shows back up.
> 
> But as always Cassian is there for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. so this is a story about best friends. Someone asked me why they act as if they're dating (and are raising a child together). I wanted to make Nesta into someone who is very closed off except with one person. Her best friend. So Cassian has always been there, he's always been her shoulder to lean on and so when he hugs her or kisses her cheek she doesn't care. But not everyone is allowed to do that.
> 
> Also Cassian is her best friend. of course he's going to step up when her life completely changes because there's suddenly a child in the picture. Because he truly loves her. Also I'm big believer in being friends before developing a romantic relationship.
> 
> I hope that clears up a few questions? I have a lot of chapters planned and I cannot wait to share where the story is going. I just love my Nessian so much.

Once we were finished with breakfast everyone decided to follow us back home. They weren’t done celebrating with the birthday girl. I was glad I wouldn’t be forced to spend her birthday alone. For some reason her birthday was one of the hardest days for me. Because it was the day I realized how different my life would become. It was the day I realized how truly amazing and horrifying it was to become a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never call my child a mistake. The circumstances that surrounded it were. But Rey is my life, my entire world. I wouldn’t trade her for all the peaceful nights in our tiny town of Velaris. It was just hard sometimes, to put a lid on the emotions that followed you after you were assaulted. It was hard to remember what life was like before you started to jump at every shadow, every voice you didn’t recognize.

I think Feyre knew how hard it was for me. Because she took it upon herself to make sure everyone was actually following us back home. Feyre and Mor took Rey out back as I tried to pull myself back together. I was still a little shaken from what had happened at breakfast. I didn’t even eat any of my pancakes. Cassian noticed, he always noticed.

He put his hand on my knee and I just leaned into him. I closed my eyes and listened to them talk about work and what they were going to do this weekend. Mor and Azriel were going away for their anniversary. Feyre seemed interested enough as Mor told her about the little cottage they were renting up near the beach.

I stayed quiet, my eyes still closed as Cassian kept his warm hand pressed against my thigh. Sometimes I hated the way I needed him, the way I would lead him on like this. Then again he never did anything to make me stop. He never told me as my best friend he didn’t want me to do this. So I leaned into his touch and I forced my heart and my head to stop thinking of all the terrible things that could happen.

“You sure you’re okay?” Cassian asked as I pulled away once the table was cleared. 

I nodded slowly, “yeah. I just. He’s never been back. I can’t have him thinking he has a right to her. Or me for that matter.”

He wiped away a silent tear that slipped down my cheek, “hey Feyre. Can you and Rhysand take Rey back to the house? I need to borrow Nesta for a minute. We’ll meet you all back there.”

My sister nodded, Rey looked ready for a nap as she held onto her aunt. Cassian thanked them and then pulled me out the door. We were sitting in his truck, driving somewhere. I was starting to calm down. It wasn’t as hard to realize how foolish my outburst was once we were away from the diner. Plus Rey was with her aunt, I didn’t have to put on a show.

“Cassian I’m okay,” I said quietly after a moment, “we can go home. I just got a little anxious back there at the diner.”

He flashed me a smile, “no. I want to take you somewhere that I know you’ll feel better. Then we can get home to our girl.”

Sometimes I start to wonder if I’m crazy. This man beside me, he’s far too good for this world. He takes care of me, he’s always been there beside me. Ever since I can remember I had Cassian’s back and he had mine. Why I haven’t made a move, why I’ve let my fear of losing him all together stop me from pursuing more than a friendship was beyond me.

“You’re too good for me,” I sighed as I looked out the window, “I don’t know how we ever became friends.”

He laughed, that deep rich laugh that could pull me from even the worst of dreams, “I believe my first memory is a little tiny fiery Nesta pushing me down in the play pen we shared because I took her pillow.”

I blushed, “it was my favorite pillow. My dad gave it to me.”

“I know. But I believe that is when our friendship began.”

“And somehow you’re still here with me. After years of girls throwing themselves at you and telling you I wasn’t worth your time. Here you are, my best friend,” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “crazy how life works.”

“I could never leave you Nesta. We’re a package deal.”

I smiled back at him. He used to tell everyone who made fun of our friendship that. He didn’t care how many people told him that a girl for a best friend was lame or weird. He was always there for me, he was the only friend I truly had throughout school. I glanced at his profile, wondering what he ever saw in me.

“Oh my gosh,” I smiled as the field came into view. I hadn’t come to this place in a very long time. The weeds were over grown, the grass was long and wild. Cassian pulled the truck to a stop and I climbed out of the passenger side quickly.

He smiled as he met me around the front of the cab, “you used to come here whenever a boy broke your heart,” he said quietly as I sat down on the blanket he had pulled out from the bed, “I thought maybe it might help after what happened back there. You haven’t broken down like that in months.”

I nodded, thinking about how bad it used to be. It was really bad the first three months of my pregnancy. The doctors actually warned me the stress could hurt the baby and I could miscarry. Once I got through the first three months the anxiety tamed itself slightly. It got worse once Rey was born.

It used to take more than a little fresh air to calm me down.

“If I remember correctly you came here a few times too. You came here when Alina broke up with you,” I smiled as he winced at the name of his very first girlfriend. She had been pretty and popular. Cassian peaked in high school, his handsome face appeared freshman year.

He nodded, “yes I did. Because someone told me that a field of wild flowers has magical healing powers. It didn’t heal my broken heart though.”

“No? Then what did? Because you got over Alina pretty fast.”

He wiggled his eyebrows at me, “Tonya Fastner.”

I clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes, “guys are disgusting,” I pushed his shoulder as he laughed loudly. The sound made me smile even more. We had both been through so much and yet he could still make jokes, he could still smile and laugh like there was no tomorrow. Cassian was the strong person I had ever known. I loved him even more for that.

“So who is it these days?” I asked feeling a pang in my heart. I hated asking, I hated knowing he was dating anyone. But as a best friend it was my duty to listen to his life the way he took an interest in mine.

He shrugged, “I went out with Bridgette, the girl I told you about from the office. She’s nice and all, but I just don’t feel the spark. I haven’t actually felt that spark with any of the girls Rhysand sets me up with.”

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place. Dating someone you work with does not sound like fun. Then you’ll see them all the time,” I pulled pieces of grass out of the ground and started cutting them up into smaller pieces.

Cassian looked away from me and sighed. He shrugged, “or maybe I just know that the only person I want to date isn’t ready.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, about to ask who that was when his phone started to ring. I watched him pick up, "hello?" His face fell slightly, "woah, slow down Fey. Okay. Okay we'll be right there."

Cassian hung up and grabbed my hand, "we have to get back home. There's, something. Come on."

"Is everything okay? Is Rey okay?" My heart started to pound as I followed him back to his truck. He kept hold of my hand before he turned the key in the ignition, "Cassian please. Tell me."

He shook his head, "everything is going to be fine. Just promise me you won't let your temper flare."

I glared at him as he started the truck, "Cassian. What is wrong?"

I didn't even realize we were moving until we turned down my street. I understood his warning far too quickly. My eyes followed the people standing on our lawn. Rhysand and Azriel were guarding the door, their arms crossed over their chest. And in front of them stood a swaying and very drunk Tomas.

Tears gathered in my eyes as Cassian parked by the curb. He let out a slow breath as he looked at me, "Feyre and Mor have Rey upstairs. She said that she's fine and the boys won't let him in. He only wants to see you."

I swallowed my tears and threw open the door. Tomas was yelling, "just let me see Nesta. I want to see the girl who broke my heart."

Rhysand shook his head. Azriel looked ready to punch him in the face, "no. From what I heard you got what you wanted and then moved on. So move on Tomas. Leave Nesta and her family alone.”

I stood there for a moment as the world seemed to spin around me. It was strange, in all the moments I imagined seeing Tomas again, I never thought I would feel afraid. I thought I’d be angry and hateful. I thought I would make him regret everything he had ever done to me, everything he ever thought he would do to me. But as I stood there watching him ask for me, my heart stalled.

Because I was still afraid of this man. He had taken away a part of myself, the strength and fire I once had to walk into the worst of situations and know that I could handle myself. He had taken pieces of my heart, my soul and broken them so badly I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. 

The anger welled up then. I hated him for every moment he kept me trapped inside his world. I hated how I fell for his lies and his charm. I hated that he touched me, that I couldn’t remember everything that happened that night. Mostly I hated how he turned me against myself.

The world snapped back into place and I moved. I walked up the path to our door and then tapped him on his shoulder. He seemed out of it, it took him a while to comprehend someone was behind him. After a moment he finally turned to face me. His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of beer. But he recognized me.

Time hadn't done him any good. His face was weathered, all that alcohol he chased I'm sure. His eyes were haunted, by what I could only guess. I hoped it was of all the girls he violated. I hoped they sat on his conscious and killed his soul every night.

"Nesta! My Nesta," he smiled as he looked at me.

I didn't think about it, my anger flared bright and hot in my soul. I slapped him hard across the face, the red mark that appeared was beautiful. Cassian stood with his brothers watching, protecting as they always did.

"You have no right to be here. Not after what you did to me and all those other girls. Get off my property or so help me God I'll call the cops. And I will let the three of them,” I pointed to the three muscled men behind me, “get a few punches in first."

He smiled, that evil smile that fueled my nightmares. He nodded his head as he brought his hand up to touch his cheek. I thought he was going to leave without a fight. But he didn’t, instead he reached out and grabbed my wrist. I stumbled as he trapped me there in front of him. He never hit me. Not once in our relationship as he physically hurt me.

He saved all that for the night he left.

"Still a bitch I see," he mumbled low enough so the boys wouldn't hear, "funny. I thought motherhood would soften you.”

So the little sister had told him, that’s why he was here. Did she truly believe Rey was his daughter? Or did she tell him she waited on me and that I had a nice new family with a man who was far better than he could ever imagine to be? Did she tell him I broke down when she told me who she was? That Cassian had to pull me back together?

Did he feel high and mighty because he still held some sort of sick power over my poor broken and bruised heart?

I wasn’t afraid now. I was angry. He shouldn’t have control over me. He shouldn’t have any power left to make me feel fear or doubts. He left, he took what he wanted from me and left. I picked up my own pieces, I put my life back together without him. I glared at him, trying with all my might to stop being afraid and find that Nesta I had one been.

The girl who would’ve breathed fire if she could.

I stopped trying to get away, "you leave me and my family out of whatever game you're playing Tomas. Go back to whatever hole you crawled out of. Because you aren't welcome here."

He flipped my hand over, "huh. No ring. So that excuse of a man can knock you up without a ring? And yet you lead me on for years before you finally let me touch you? Seems unfair to me."

I squared my shoulders, "first of all I didn't let you touch me. You forced yourself on me. Second my life is not yours, I don't have to explain anything to you. Third you don’t own me, I was not and never will be yours. Now get off of me," my voice was louder, the boys stepped forward, "or I'll do more than leave a pretty red handprint on your cheek."

He laughed as he pushed my hair out of my face with his free hand, "god I missed you. All the other girls stopped fighting the moment I put on the charm."

"Let me go Tomas," I wiggled my wrist. Cassian stepped up beside me.

"Ah so the knight in shining friend zone is still groveling for a promotion. Good to know he's still here," Tomas smiled as Cassian's hands flexed. His arms twitched.

It was hard to anger Cassian. I should know I've tried. He does his best to keep his anger reigned in, to control it. But sometimes, especially when it comes to me and Rey, he loses it. Especially when someone is threatening me. I saw his jaw twitch, the first sign he was suppressing the anger that made his hands clench.

"Let her go," his deep voice growled the words. 

"And if I don't? What will you do?" His words were a challenge. As if I'm the prize he'll win if he beats Cassian. But he'll never beat Cassian. Because he isn't even half the man my best friend is.

Cassian doesn't answer his taunt. Instead his fist flies to his face and lands right on his nose. Even I heard the crack of bone as he punched him so hard he stumbled backwards. I gasped as Tomas let's me go and Cassian pulls me behind him. He puts himself between me and Tomas, guarding me like the protector he’s always been.

"You asshole!" His nose was bleeding everywhere.

I tried not to laugh, "he did warn you."

"Now get off our property or so help me I will end you. I will make sure you never want to even consider touching another woman again," Cassian's body vibrated with anger. I grabbed his forearm trying to anchor him back here with me.

Tomas looked at me, "this isn't over," he spit blood on the ground, "I know you're hiding something."

Cassian growled again as he put his arm in front of me. I held it tightly, my adrenaline falling quickly. I would've collapsed onto the ground if Cassian didn't turn around and pull me into his chest. He kissed the top of my head as Rhysand and Azriel came to us.

"He just showed up Nesta. Feyre already had Rey inside," he put his hand on my shoulder and I turned to hug him.

"Thank you," I whispered into his shoulder, "for protecting my daughter."

"Always," he ran his hand through my hair as I stepped away. His hand came to my cheek, "are you okay?"

I nodded, grabbing Cassian's big hand in mine, "I will be."

I pulled Cassian into the house behind me and Feyre was there waiting. She handed me my daughter, "mama!" She kissed my cheek as I held her tightly against my chest.

I looked at my little sister. When Rey was born Feyre and Rhysand tried to convince me to get custody papers drawn up. They thought it would be best if Tomas ever wanted to come back into her life. I was still fragile, I didn’t want to talk about everything that had happened to bring her into this world. So I told them I didn’t need a lawyer.

I sighed as tears filled my eyes and Rey laid her head down on my shoulder. Feyre’s blue eyes, so much brighter than mine, seemed to understand me even before I spoke the words out loud.

"I think it's time we talk to a lawyer."

She nodded, her hand coming to squeeze mine, "Rhysand has already called his. Don't worry Nesta, we will do everything we can to protect her."

A tear slipped down my cheek as Rey started to fall asleep in my arms. Cassian's warmth radiated from behind me. He put his hand on my shoulder as I felt my world start to shatter. I never ever thought I would have to protect my daughter from Tomas. Because I never thought he would care.

But now. Now the peaceful two years I found with my sister and my friends was gone. Now I knew I was about to fight for my heart. I didn't want to involve lawyers and contracts. But I would be damned if this man took away my child.

Cassian squeezed my shoulder as I turned around. He wrapped us both in a hug and I knew no matter what he would always be there to help me pick up whatever pieces of my heart were left to find.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta finally talks to a lawyer.

Rhysand’s lawyer had been nice. He listened to my story, he didn’t look at me with pity or disgust when I was done. He was young, which shouldn’t surprise me but it did. Rhysand had a lot of friends in high places, I should’ve realized this was just another one of those friends.

Thankfully I didn’t have to endure his quiet stares alone. Cassian had offered to come with me, as well as Rhysand. I let Cassian come, I didn’t let Rhysand even though this was his friend. I didn’t want everyone to hear how horrible my life had become. I didn’t want them all to hear what the lawyer had to say.

Because I had a feeling he was going to tell me this was all hopeless.

After he looked through the pictures Feyre took that night he sighed, “well the good news is he has no idea Rey belongs to him. For all he knows you adopted the child last year.”

My cheeks turned pink, “well that would be hard to explain the resemblance then.”

He smiled, the first smile he offered in the entire three hours we had been here, “I just mean that he doesn’t have a clue that he has a child. You can pass her off as Cassian’s, pretend she belongs to someone else. In my honest opinion, I think he’s trying to scare you. Because you never went after him for the assault, for raping you. He thinks he can bait you again.”

I felt a stab at my heart as Cassian reached over and picked up my hand. The lawyer noticed, “but that won’t keep him away from me.”

He nodded, “no. So I’m going to get a restraining order issued. That will keep him away from you and your family. I can draw up custody papers, but for now lets see what the restraining order does and if it keeps him away from you.”

Before I knew it we were in the car heading home. My mind was racing, my hands were shaking. Cassian hadn’t said a word since we left. I swallowed my fears and looked at him.

“So what do you think?” I whispered softly wondering if he was okay with everyone thinking Rey was him. I’m pretty sure they already did. But he was my best friend, I wouldn’t make him do something he didn’t want to do.

He sighed, “I think that lawyer is too young to help us. I think he doesn’t know what he’s doing and a piece of paper isn’t going to keep that asshole away,” his jaw clenched, “I already tell people she’s mine. Not daughter, but you get what I mean. Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”

I nodded as I bit my cheek, “Cassian. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost now that he’s back. I feel like I’ve stepped back in time two years to that night it all happened. I can’t remember the details, but I remember how I felt. I remember the fear and how scared I was for myself. But now it’s doubled. Now I’m scared for me and my daughter.”

Tears filled my eyes as I told him the truth. He let out a slow breath and I slide towards the middle of his truck. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and hugged me from the side. I buried my face in his shoulder, trying as hard as I could to keep myself together. I was tired of falling apart. I was tired of letting my emotions control me.

Cassian was quiet. He didn’t say anything as he drove down the highway. The radio played softly, if that had been a different day a different hour I might have been singing along with it. I pulled away from him and tried to pull myself together. I saw the exit for town and I knew I had to be ready to greet my daughter.

I didn’t want her to know something was wrong.

Cassian gripped the wheel tighter as he drove down the street, "what if you guys come stay with me for a little bit?"

I sighed. I was back on my side of the truck, "no. I won't let him bully me or scare me, Cassian. I won't force my child out of her home. She's two, she'll be scared sleeping anywhere but her own bed. We'll be okay. We've got Feyre."

He sighed, clearly not ready to drop it, "Nesta one thing I've always loved about you is your stubborn will. But can't you push your pride aside to ensure that your daughter stays safe? What if he comes back and breaks in? What if you and Feyre aren't enough?"

"What if he follows me to your house Cassian? If he doesn't find me at mine he'll follow the trail. Don't talk to me like I'm a child," I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

He shook his head, "then let me stay. Rhysand, Azriel, and I, we’ll take turns sleeping on the couch."

I laughed, "no. I won't interrupt your lives because mine is a mess. I have a restraining order, Cass. He won't bother me."

Cassian pulled to the curb, "it's a piece of paper Nesta. What are you going to do throw it at him when he comes closer than 100 feet? You need someone to help you. Don't pretend you don't."

"It's not your job to protect me," I slammed his door shut, "trust me Cass I love how you put Rey up there above yourself. Hell I know you would take a bullet for me. But you do not have to upend your life because mine is imploding. We will be fine. The police will come if I call."

"You have more faith in the cops than I do," he ran his hands through his hair and pulled at the ends, "I know it's not my job. But Nesta I will not be able to live with the guilt if something happens to you. Either of you."

The anger left me as I looked at my best friend. The boy who had always been there. I sighed and stepped towards him, "nothing is going to happen. As long as Tomas doesn't realize who Rey is, we will be safe okay? Trust me. I'm done living in fear."

He nodded slowly, his eyes moving down from mine to my lips. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I probably would've let him. Because I couldn't handle all the stress without him. Everything was already so confusing, my life was a mess of tangled emotions and problems. Letting my best friend cross the line would’ve just been another thing to add to my growing list of confusion.

My heart was pounding from our fight and because I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He was still staring at my lips, as if he was waiting for me to tell him it was okay. Before he decided the front door opened.

"Mama! Ashian!" Rey came bounding down the stairs when she saw us. I stepped back as Cassian caught her and threw her up in the air. Her giggle made my heart crack. If there was one thing that could stop the clutter inside my head, it was my daughter’s bright and beautiful laughter.

"Hey Rey. What do you think about me staying here with you girls tonight?" Cassian asked as he settled her on his hip and kissed her cheek.

She nodded, "yay! Dinner Ashian! Sdory!"

I narrowed my eyes at him, she loved when Cassian read her her bedtime story. He used to do it all the time before he decided to try and date again. I knew she missed those nights, I couldn’t deny my daughter her favorite person. He smiled at me as Feyre came out of the house, "oh thank god she got away from me. I'm going to start dinner."

"You did that on purpose," I slapped his arm playfully.

"I did it because I care," he whispered so Rey didn't worry about us fighting. Rey was a good baby, an easy baby. But she would cry whenever we started yelling at each other. We learned early in her life not to fight in front of her, "don't worry I'll sleep on the couch."

I rolled my eyes, "no you won't. You'll sleep in my bed because you have to work in the morning."

We walked into the house and Rey wiggled to get down. She had too much energy these days. I sighed as I leaned against the counter beside where Rhysand was sitting. He was watching my sister make dinner. He was always watching my sister, watching or helping or just there. It was like he didn’t know how to live without her. I couldn’t help but wonder what filled his time before they met.

"So what did the lawyer say?"

Cassian spoke before I had the chance. He told Rhysand about the restraining order after he put Rey down and she ran to play with the toys she had scattered about the living room. Feyre hugged me from the side as I walked into the kitchen and stood beside her. 

"I think that's a good idea. What did he say about Rey?" Feyre spoke up once Cassian finished.

"He said that he'll draw up custody papers. But more than likely this is another game for him. So a restraining order first and then we can deal with custody if he tries to claim her," I blushed as I looked at my sister, "the other thing we can do is just keep telling everyone she belongs to someone else. Until he orders a paternity test he has no proof that she is his.”

Cassian laughed, "as in me. The lawyer flat out said we should put my name on the birth certificate."

Feyre smiled, "I said the same thing when she was born."

"Can we not talk about this anymore? My head hurts from all the legal talk," I pulled my hair off my shoulders. I tied it up in a loose bun as they all looked at me and the room fell silent.

Cassian leaned into Rhysand and whispered something. He laughed and I turned my back on them. I braced my hands on the counter and closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath and tried to clear my head. It had been a long day and it was barely six o’clock. My head was pounding and I couldn’t get a grip on everything swirling inside my head and my heart.

"Mama look!" Rey called for me. I forced all the thoughts out of my head and turned to look at my daughter. She was smiling as she held out a drawing.

"It's beautiful," I knelt down and looked at it, "is that you?"

She nodded, “and you and Ashian," she pointed to each of the sticks she drew. I smiled as I looked at the big stick she drew of Cassian. He was taller than both of us, his hair long enough to reach his shoulders. I kissed her cheek, "go show Ashian."

Rey ran to the counter where Cassian sat with Rhysand and showed him the drawing. I watched them and my heart hurt. Because I wanted his name on that birth certificate. I wanted him to be her father, not the asshole who hurt me. Tears filled my eyes as I watched them.

Blood didn't matter. Cassian was more her father than anyone else.

I stood up and walked out the sliding back doors. I heard Feyre call my name but I walked towards the edge of the yard. My hands were shaking as I tried to regain my composure. I couldn't stop seeing Cassian with my daughter. My blue eyes and her dark hair. She looked like she belonged with him.

Would life be different if I never dated Tomas? Would that be my child with someone else, someone who deserved to be in her life? Would I have been foolish enough to halt my life and have a child at eighteen if Tomas hadn’t forced me into a situation I wasn’t ready for? I shook my head, there was no telling what would’ve been if the events that lead me here hadn’t happened.

Still. I couldn’t help but wonder if Cassian would be inside with our child, had I been braver. If I had told him all those years ago how I felt, maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid of my feelings standing here now as an adult.

"Everything okay?" It surprised me that Rhysand was the one who came to find me.

I shook my head, "it's just a lot to handle," I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, "and watching Cassian with my daughter. Gods I wish she was his. I wish I didn't have to lie. I will never ever regret my child. But I wish the circumstances in which she came to be were different. Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?"

Rhysand shook his head, "no one would ever think to call you a bad mother Nesta. Rey is beautiful and we all love her. You gave up a lot for her."

I nodded, "I thought he would stay away. I thought. She’s my daughter. She’s more Cassian's daughter than his. Sorry you didn't come out here for me to break down on you."

I laughed slightly as I tried to pull myself together. I'm sure Feyre would hear about how crazy I was later.

I wiped away another tear. Rhysand was quiet for a moment. Then he leaned into me, "I haven't known you for that long. But I'm pretty good at reading people. Cassian loves that little girl, he always has. Whenever we go out he tells me the latest Rey and Nesta story. Hell even before you had Rey he would tell me the same story about you two from his childhood. He cares about you Nesta. I think you need to decide what you want. Because I'm more than certain I know what Cassian wants."

Rhysand was staring at me, "what?"

He tapped my forehead, "you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. I know you can see it. We all can. That man loves you, he has for the last twenty years. But he's afraid. He's afraid to lose you and Rey."

My mouth fell open. Rhysand had just told me everything I had wanted to hear. And now, now I was even more confused than before. Because I wanted to believe Cassian felt that way to me, but something told me I didn't deserve him.

The same little voice that came when Tomas hurt me. He broke my spirit, he broke me. 

Rhysand squeezed my shoulder, "you don't have to decide now okay? Just. Think about it. Everything he does, he does for you and now Rey. You're his family, he loves you both."

I smiled, "thanks Rhysand. I just need a minute," I sighed, "but thank you. Feyre is lucky to have you."

He smiled, "as I am lucky to have her. And you."

He kissed my cheek and then walked back inside. I stood there for a little longer, staring out into the open field. Rhysand's words rattled in my head as I wondered if I should take the time to sort through the mess of thoughts and emotions that were tangled in my heart and in my head. 

I walked inside and my mouth watered at the smell of dinner. Feyre smiled at me. Rey was still on Cassian's lap. I nodded to my sister and then went to my room to change. I pulled off the nice clothes I had worn to the lawyer and pulled on my leggings and a plain shirt. I realized halfway through pulling it on it was one of Cassian’s old band tee shirts he left here while I was pregnant. I blushed, but put it on anyways.

I washed my face hoping the tears would stay gone. Before I walked back out my bedroom door opened and Cassian stood there.

"Hey I didn't mean to upset you by staying. I just worry," he stepped into the room and put his hands on my shoulders, "and since the lawyer said using me could get Tomas off your back I want to at least try."

I nodded, "I know. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to handle it all on my own. Thanks," I whispered as I let him pull me into his chest and hug me, "for going with me today."

"No problem. Now I already ran this past your daughter and she's game. What do you say about me and you and our girl going to the fair tomorrow night? I've got a half day at work and I really want to take your mind off everything that’s bothering you. I know you love the fair.”

I smiled, thinking of little Rey's face lighting up at Cassian's suggestion, "yeah," I tapped his cheek with my hand, "I think that's exactly the distraction we need.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta gets upset when everything starts to feel out of her control.

Rey was in heaven at dinner that night. She had her favorite people surrounding her and she looked like a queen holding court at the head of the table. I smiled as she rambled on talking about her birthday and other things. My little girl was happy, I couldn’t believe it but she was really happy.

Cassian sat to her left and I was on her right. Rhysand talked more about his lawyer and the friends he had at the station. He told me he would ask if one of them would keep a close watch on the house. I knew it was more for Feyre than it was for me. My sister also refused to let Rhysand talk her into staying at his house. This was our home, no one would bully us out of it.

I guess we had gotten our stubborn will from our mother. Because lord knows our father ran at the first sign of trouble.

Halfway through dinner something changed. Cassian was laughing with Feyre, telling her some story I had long forgotten. Watching him hurt my heart, because he fit into this family flawlessly. He always had, because he had always been here. It should’ve been him, Rey and I should’ve picked him from the very beginning.

It was Rhysand’s words that rattled around in my head as I felt the anger inside my chest. I took in a breath, not sure why but I felt the need to pick a fight. I felt the need to direct my anger at someone and I decided that someone should be the one person who’s helped me through this entire ordeal.

Cassian was helping Rey eat the rest of her peas when he cleared his throat. She giggled as he blew air through his lips and wiggled the spook in front of her mouth. We all watched the two and I felt torn between angry and sad. It was all too familiar, trying to battle both those emotions.

Dinner was filled with Feyre telling us about her newest painting and Rhysand complaining about another employee at work. Cassian nodded and listened to both of them, giving them responses when necessary. I couldn’t seem to focus. Ever since Rey’s birthday I couldn’t focus on anything. I couldn’t stop thinking about Tomas and everything that could go wrong.

I ate my food as they talked around me. It was like they knew I was having trouble and so they didn’t press me to get involved. I hated this, I hated that I couldn’t even be with my friends anymore without wondering if he would show up here again. I couldn’t stop wondering if he would try and hurt me or hell if he would try and hurt Cassian if he thought we were together.

I didn’t even understand why he became obsessed with me. I’m sure there were other girls who were actually attracted to him. I thought he had moved on the moment he left. Actually I had been relieved when someone mentioned him dating someone at whatever school he ended up at. I thought that meant he was finished here and I would never see him again.

“Nesta,” Feyre’s voice pulled me from my thoughts, “hey you okay?”

I swallowed the bite I had taken, barely tasting my food, “yeah,” I forced a smile as Rey watched me, “I’m fine.”

My sister wasn’t convinced, but she took my answer. Rhysand and Cassian were talking about some game that was on later this week. I closed my eyes and felt the start of a headache. I just needed to be alone, I needed to feel as if I could protect myself. I wasn’t sure how that would happen, but I needed everyone to stop watching me so closely.

The walls were moving in. Panic started to fill my body again.

“So Feyre Rey asked if I could stay tonight. Is that okay with you?" Cassian leaned back in his seat as Rey stuck her lower lip out.

"Did she now?" My sister raised an eyebrow.

Rey nodded and clapped her little hands together, "Ashian sdory!"

Feyre laughed, "I mean. Only if Nesta is okay with it."

I rolled my eyes. I tried to push the panic away but it was hard. Because it filled the holes Tomas had left behind, "Cassian thinks he needs to stay here because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. I told him we are fine."

Rhysand blew out a breath, "actually I was going to stay over too. I'd feel better if someone was keeping an eye on you girls, at least tonight. Since Tomas came around yesterday."

I laughed, "why are you both such men? We can take care of ourselves Rhysand. We aren't damsels in distress. If Tomas comes around we can get rid of him."

"I'm not saying you can't defend yourself Nesta. But last time Tomas was around, he hurt you. I won't let that happen again. I won't fail you again," Cassian leaned forward, his elbows on the table.

He was trying to control his anger. His hands were clenched into fists and I knew he was suppressing the urge to hit the table because he was sitting beside Rey. He glanced at her and then back at me, his jaw tight and set.

"Last time he drugged my fucking drink because we were dating. Last time it was my own fucking fault he got his hands on me. This time I won't let that happen," I snapped before I could stop myself. Tears gathered in my eyes as I heard Rey sniff, “so you can stop blaming yourself for something you weren’t even involved in Cassian. I can take care of myself.”

"Whoa. Okay," Cassian held his hands up, "I just want to help Nesta."

I pushed my chair out as Rey started to cry. The panic filled my lungs and I knew this time it was coming out as anger instead of tears, "if you want to help stop bringing up the past," I picked my daughter up and glared at Cassian, "and stop acting like you're the only person who can protect us."

I walked away from the kitchen and back towards my room. I tried to soothe Rey as I sat down on my bed and sighed, fighting my own tears. I was so angry at everything that had happened in the last two days. Between Tomas coming back and my ever growing confusing feelings towards my best friend I was a mess.

And letting him spend the night, asking him to pretend my child was his, didn't help either of us. It only further complicated our relationship.

I sighed as Rey finally calmed down. She pulled away and looked up at me. Her little blue gray eyes, the ones so much like mine made me smile. Because they held the same fire everyone says mine did. They were full of life and hope. She didn’t deserve any of this. She’s only a child, "mama."

"You okay?" I asked quietly as I wiped her tears off her cheek.

She nodded, "bedder."

I kissed her cheek, "me too."

"Ashian!" She jumped up and ran back out into the kitchen. I heard her squeal as Cassian caught her in his arms.

I closed my eyes thinking back to the day she took her first steps. Cassian was there with me, both of us clapping as she stood up and stepped away from the couch. She walked towards him, my heart beating faster than it ever had before. I knew in that moment, watching my child take her first steps towards Cassian that he would always been her favorite person.

I sighed, laying back against my pillows not sure what had actually happened at dinner. I wasn't angry that the boys wanted to protect us. I wasn't mad that they wanted to stay here to keep watch in case Tomas did try something.

I was mad because suddenly I had no control over my life. I was thrown back to a time when I was powerless, by the hands of the same man who hurt me. I sighed as I heard Feyre starting the water for Rey's bath. I heard Rhysand helping Cassian clear the table. I listened to the sounds of the house around me and I felt helpless.

I hated feeling helpless. I forced myself up and walked to the bathroom to help Feyre with Rey. I smiled as I saw the bubbles that filled the tub.

“Bubble Bafe mama!” Rey giggled as Feyre gave her a few toys.

Feyre sat down on the toilet as I sat on the floor. She watched me, waiting to see if I would talk. After a few minutes she sighed, “what happened back there Nesta? I didn’t think Rhysand wanting to stay here would bother you. He has before. Hell Cassian practically lived here when you were pregnant.”

I winced, “I know. I just, snapped. Remember when I was pregnant and I broke down all the time? They thought it was mood swings and then realized I was suffering from PTSD after I had her?” Feyre nodded, “I think it’s happening again Fey. I can’t control my moods. I feel helpless, I feel like I have no control.”

My sister bit her lip, “should I call the doctor? Do you want medicine again?”

I shook my head, “no. I hated that medicine it made life hazy and I barely remember her first two months. I just. I need to feel as if I’m making the decisions. A restraining order is a piece of paper, but it is my decision to have it. She is my daughter, even if Cassian plays the part, she is still mine. I just, hate feeling like Tomas won. He still holds some sort of power over me even two years later.”

Feyre smiled as Rey giggled and played with her boat, “it’s going to take more than two years for you to heal what happened that night Nesta. Especially because you can’t remember. I know that’s hard to accept, and I know you don’t like any of this. But we are all here to help you.”

A tear slipped down my cheek, “I know. And I appreciate you all. I just, need to feel like he didn’t win.”

“He didn’t win Nesta,” Feyre stood up and walked towards the bathroom door. Rhysand was calling her, “whenever you look at that beautiful little girl with your face and your smile, that’s how you know. He didn’t win.”

Feyre left me sitting on the floor. I pulled down the shower head and washed Rey’s hair. She giggled as I sang her a song and ran my nails over her scalp. She was such a happy girl, such a carefree spirit. I knew my sister was right. This little girl was proof that Tomas’s evil would never win. 

She was the light to his darkness.

“Ashian!” Rey called out loudly as I pulled her out of the bath and rinsed all the bubbles off of her. 

“Hey we don’t yell for people,” I scolded her as I wrapped the towel around her and tried to dry her hair. 

“Sowwy,” she said quietly. She kissed my cheek and I accepted her apology.

Cassian appeared in the doorway as I finished drying her off and she pulled on her pajamas. She was very independent these days. She dressed herself, as much as she could without my help. She liked to brush her hair and try to brush mine.

Rey held her arms up towards Cassian, “up!”

He didn’t even hesitate. He lifted her up and held her against his chest, “yes my little princess.”

She giggled, “sdory!”

He glanced at me and smiled. I nodded, “go ahead. I’ve got to clean up Feyre’s mess.”

He walked towards our bedroom and I emptied the tub. I cleaned out the bubbles and put her little toys in their basket to dry. I wiped off my hands and then walked to my room. I smiled as I stopped in the doorway, taking in the scene in front of me. The little lamp was on as Cassian sat with her in the rocking chair. He was reading her another fairytale, his deep voice making higher voices for the different characters.

Tonight it was Little Red Riding Hood.

I walked into the room and laid down on the bed. I listened to Cassian, his voice was like honey, dripping down my body. He spoke softly, the rocking chair swaying as he went back and forth. The combination of it all hit me and I felt my body relax. I felt the exhaustion from today hit me all at once. I closed my eyes and somewhere during Red’s journey through the woods I fell asleep. 

—

I felt the bed shift under me. And Cassian called my name. I mumbled something turning over. I felt a hand against my cheek, my eyes wouldn’t open. I was too tired. I mumbled more words and then I felt his lips press ever so lightly against mine.

My hand reached forward and I laid it against his cheek, "Cass," I whispered softly as his lips left mine slowly. I didn't want him to stop, I didn't want this dream like kiss to end. His fingers trailed lightly over my arm. If I had been awake I would've leaned back into his kiss. I would've gotten my heart even more tangled with his.

But I was half asleep. Cassian pulled away, he tucked the blanket up around my shoulders and I fell back into my dream.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta and Cassian take Rey to the fair. And Nesta can't stop wondering when the mess of her heart will sort out her feelings for her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little drama, little fun. A lot of confusion. don't worry. the smut is coming!

When I woke up I was warm. My nose filled with the scent of sandalwood and I had a flash back to two years ago, when I was pregnant and woke up with my head in Cassian’s lap multiple times. I was disoriented as I opened my eyes slowly and found myself wrapped in his arms, my face buried in his chest. My heart started pounding as he woke up with me.

"Nesta," he said quietly, the sun wasn't even up yet.

"Hi," I croaked as I tried to wake up a little more. I knew this was not how we had fallen asleep last night, "how did we end up like this?"

He laughed slightly, rubbing his eyes, "you were crying in your sleep and turned over and grabbed my shirt. So I pulled you in and you fell back asleep."

I nodded slowly, "oh. Okay. I — I'm sorry," I stammered trying to get away. But he pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. Our fight from last night must have been forgotten. I couldn’t even remember why I had been upset in the first place.

"It's okay," he whispered softly pushing my hair out of my face, "I like knowing you feel safe with me."

I blushed, wondering if I should ask him about something. There was a tug on my memory, my heart telling me to ask him about a kiss. Or maybe it had been a dream. I decided to just let it go as we woke up together. I was tired of fighting myself and everyone else. I just wanted things to go back to the way they had been before.

I sighed, “you should get ready for work,” I whispered softly as Rey slept in her own bed.

He nodded, “I’m going.”

Once he got up the bed lost it’s warmth and so did my body. I closed my eyes, wishing I would fall back asleep. But without Cassian beside me I felt empty. I felt cold and alone once again. I turned and looked up at the ceiling trying to figure out when exactly things had changed. Two years ago when I was pregnant? The day Rey was born?

Really it didn’t matter when things had changed, just that they had. They changed for me, I knew I couldn’t ever see him as just my best friend anymore. He was more than that. He was my support, my partner. He looked after me and my little girl as if we were his. Which made me wonder if things had changed for him too. But then again wouldn’t he have said something?

Why wouldn’t Cassian put himself out of his misery and tell me if things had changed for him? He was a good man, maybe he was letting me process everything that Tomas had done to me. Or maybe he didn’t feel anything for me at all.

There were so many moments I could’ve told him. So many times I should’ve taken the chance and went after what my heart so desperately wanted. Except I didn’t, because I was too scared. 

Rey mumbled in her sleep. Then she sat up and looked around the room. She didn’t always have night terrors. I wasn’t sure when they started. She climbed into my bed and I wrapped my arms around her. She fell back asleep right away, knowing she was safe in my arms.

Cassian came back into the room freshly showered and smelling like cologne. I took in a breath as he ran his hands through his hair and then leaned down and pressed a kiss to Rey’s forehead, “she okay?”

I nodded, “I’ve got her. You worry about getting to work on time.”

He laughed, “lucky for me my boss is my best friend,” he sat down on the edge of the bed.

I stuck out my lower lip, “hey I thought that was my title.” 

He flashed me a smile, “you’re my favorite best friend,” I nodded my approval. A moment of silence passed between us and then he sighed. He looked at his hands, “Nesta about yesterday.”

“I’m okay now,” I whispered trying to stop him from bringing up our fight, “I’m sorry for asking so much of you. I know you didn’t sign up for this when you said you would help out. But I just can’t see myself doing this without you. I know it’s a lot, telling people she’s yours.”

He sighed, bringing his dark eyes back to mine, “no that’s not it. I love Rey and I don’t really care what people think. I’m just sorry I upset you. I don’t want you to think you have to rely on me, but I do want to protect you. I didn’t get a chance to protect you the first time. I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to that little girl.”

Tears filled my eyes, “I know Cass.”

“So we’re okay?” he asked quietly, his hand rested on the sheet, dangerously close to my hip.

I nodded, swallowing the desire for him to touch me, “yeah we’re good. Thank you for staying over. Thank you for caring about us.”

He nodded and then tapped my nose, “you go back to sleep. I’ll come back after work so we can go to the fair.”

I smiled as he stood up, his scent lingering as he opened the door and left me laying in bed with my daughter, wondering what I was supposed to do with the confusion that was still wrapped around my heart. I knew I loved him, as a friend and maybe something more.

But that didn’t stop the panic that set in. Nothing could stop the way Tomas had ruined me. The sense of insecurity that had formed after he violated me all those years ago. No, I knew no matter what I felt for Cassian I would never be enough for him. Because he deserved someone beautiful and complete.

His heart deserved someone who could be everything I wasn’t. He wasn’t supposed to end up with a bruised and broken girl like me. If I truly loved him as much as I thought I did, it would be best for both of us if I just let him go.

——

The lights were bright as we walked up to the gates. Cassian was carrying Rey on his back and she giggled loudly. The sun was starting to set and she was excited to be up past her bedtime. I couldn't stop smiling as I watched them. Even with our stupid little fight I loved him. I knew he wanted to protect me to whatever end.

I needed to stop believing I had to solve all my problems. I needed to let the people I love help me too. Still after he left this morning I had promised myself to let him go. To let him find someone else to make him happy, the way I clearly didn’t know how to do anymore.

So I kept my distance. I wouldn’t lead him on. We were friends, best friends. My head kept telling me we could never be anything more than that. 

Cassian paid for our tickets. I rolled my eyes when he pushed my hand out of my purse and then walked through the gates with Rey still giggling loudly. My heart squeezed as I looked at my little girl. One day she would ask me who Cassian was and why he was always there. I wasn’t sure what I would tell her. I guess a part of me always wished the explanation would be simple.

He might not be your biological father, but he loves you all the same. He’s my best friend. He’s the father you needed growing up.

I always thought I’d tell her that he was the man I never knew I wanted. The man I loved with all my heart. But now I feared the day I would have to tell her he’s the man mommy loved with all her heart, but she had to let him go. She had to let him find the happiness she couldn’t bring him. But that didn’t mean he loved Rey any less.

"Where to first milady?" Cassian asked loudly. His voice brought me back to the evening, back to reality. I shook my head slowly as he bounced Rey and she squealed, grabbing onto his neck. She hugged herself close.

"Horsey!" She pointed to the carousel. 

"Your wish is my command," he said as he swung her around and flew her towards the horses. Feyre fell into step beside me.

She wrapped her arm around mine, "so Rhysand told me what he said to you," she kept her voice soft as we followed them to the carousel, "I just want you to know I didn't put him up to that."

I nodded, "I know. But it just kind of further complicates it all. Cassian told the lawyer he would put his name down, he would tell people Rey is his. He's willing to try and get his name on her birth certificate. I don't know what this means. For us."

Feyre sighed, "I've watched you two pretend you didn't feel anything more than friendship for the last ten years Nesta. This means it's finally your chance. After everything that happened with Tomas, this is your chance to be happy. Don't let Cassian get away again."

Again. My eyes went towards my best friend who held onto Rey as she climbed up onto the big horses back. The first time I tried telling him how I felt he had been too busy trying to find out about Feyre's friend Sam. Then I started dating Tomas and another switch flipped and he dropped whatever girl he had that week.

My head hurt from remembering all the times we had almost been more. I just assumed it would never happen. We were meant to be friends, nothing more, nothing less.

I waved to Rey as she went around the circle on her horse. Cassian looked pretty adorable on his own horse beside her. He was too big for the little porcelain horse that supported his weight. I smiled at both of them as they waved the second time around. 

It wasn't fair to him, that I let him stall his life for us. I was being selfish. Because keeping him here with us meant he wasn't going out and trying with anyone else.

But I was still terrified of my own heart. I was still afraid to want someone after what had happened the last time.

Mor came up on the other side of me, "ah Rey looks so happy with Cass. What are we talking about?" Her eyes lit up, "are we talking about Nesta and Cassian? Because I love when we talk about their frustration."

I rolled my eyes, "you guys suck."

Feyre giggled at her friend. She met Mor when she was in college. That's how she met Rhysand. They're cousins. I was heavily pregnant and they all decided to band together and take care of me. Even Cassian took a liking to them all and he didn't make friends easily.

I loved my friends. But I hated when they decided it was time to stage an intervention for me and my best friend.

"I'm really glad you all love harassing me," I said as Feyre hugged me from the side.

"It's because we want you to be happy," she said quietly as the ride stopped and Cassian convinced Rey not to go around a second time, "and Cassian makes you happy. Even on your darkest days when you were pregnant, he was the one who was able to pull you back."

I sighed, "I know."

I bit my lip as Feyre watched me, "I mean can't you see the way he looks at you? And Rey? What's the hold up Nesta? Why don't you do something about how you feel?"

I sighed, "I don't think I'm ready. I mean, my last relationship ended in a night I can't remember with a daughter. Don't get me wrong I love Rey, but I just don't want something like this to happen with Cassian. I can't lose him as my friend. If we stay how we are I will always have him," tears filled my eyes, "he probably doesn't want me anyways. He knows everything. He knows I'm not the girl I was when we were younger anymore."

Feyre grabbed my hand, "he doesn't care about all of that. He loves you," she squeezed my hand hard, "and you have to be insane to think he would do anything like Tomas did."

I shrugged, "it's hard to feel safe around anyone. Especially when it comes to feelings and letting myself believe in love again. It's hard to explain. And I can’t keep leading him on. He deserves to be happy and if that means he finds someone else, then I have to let him go,” tears filled my eyes as both girls looked at me with horror on their faces, “I have already accepted the path I’ve chosen. I have Rey and that’s all I really need.”

Feyre opened her mouth at the same time Mor started shaking her head. I knew they were about to fight me, to tell me this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, "Nesta-"

"Mama!" Rey ran to me, "Ashian ride horsey!"

My sister was cut off. I shook off my emotions as I turned to face my little girl. I laughed as she grabbed my hand, "I saw. Did you have to teach him how to sit like a proper lady?"

"Ha ha Nesta," he rolled his eyes as Rey grabbed his hand with her other one. We walked through the fair holding onto her as if we were one big happy family. I smiled as she jumped up and we swung her in the air. 

I could practically hear Mor and Feyre obsessing over how we looked. I pushed them out of my head, "so what are we doing now?"

"Wheel!" She giggled as Cassian swung her higher.

"You know I hate that thing," I looked at Cassian and he smiled, "so you two can ride it."

"Mama no! Ride too," Rey pulled my hand and stuck out her lip, "pwease?"

I sighed as Cassian gave the attendant three tickets. He got into the car first and Rey followed. I took a moment and stayed on the ground.

"Come on Nes. It'll be fine, I won't let anything happen," he held out his hand, "when have I ever lied to you?"

I shook my head, "all the time," I muttered as I took his hand and then he pulled me in. Rey giggled as the car moved. My heart leapt into my throat as we stopped to let more people on.

Cassian grabbed my hand, "breathe Nesta. I'm right here."

I rolled my eyes, "so you're gonna save me if I fall out of this death trap? Or if it breaks and we fall to our deaths?"

He laughed, "yes. I'm going to save you no matter what happens."

I blushed as I looked away, watching Rey look out at the town around us. I smiled at her fearlessness. I had been like that once. Full of life and fire. But then I let a man change that. I let him scare me and extinguish my fire. I let him crush the girl I had been once more.

How had I ever fallen for a man who made me lesser than I am? How did I let a man crush me and take away everything I've ever felt about myself? I looked at Cassian, the only man who's ever made me feel like I deserved to believe in myself.

I was a fool for believing in men like Tomas. The good one was already standing right beside me. And I went and screwed it all up because that’s what I did best. Screwed my life and my relationships up before they even had a chance.

I squeezed his hand gently, "I know I've been hard to handle lately," I slid into his side as Rey looked towards us, "I'm sorry."

He smiled, "I know you're going through a lot. But you're not alone Nesta. I'm here."

I nodded, "I know. I'm just trying to find that girl you met all those years ago. The girl I was before I let Tomas change me. I want to be her, I want to teach Rey to be strong and better than I am now. But it's harder to look for her now that I know he's back."

Cassian sighed, "she's still inside you. I see her whenever you yell at me. Whenever you get upset, I see that girl. Sometimes that's why I push your buttons. To remind you she's still there."

I hugged him from the side, laying my head on his shoulder. Maybe I had done a lot of stupid things in my life, but keeping this man here beside me was not one of them. It was selfish, but he was my light in the dark. He was my person and I would forever love him.

As a friend. As a person. And maybe if I ever let go of the pain I could finally love him as something more. 

We spent a lot of time letting Rey pick the rides she rode. She was wide awake even though her bedtime had come and gone. She wanted to ride everything and of course the three males all obliged to take her one each ride. It was a sight I loved to watch, Rey with her three favorite men giggling on carnival rides.

She was in heaven, fighting off sleep as hard as she could to stay in this night for a little longer. Cassian even won her a stuffed animal from one of the games. He impressed her with his ability to knock down glass jars. She clapped and cheered when he handed her the animal.

Rey was getting sleepy. She could barely keep her eyes open as the moon got higher in the sky. Cassian scooped her up, "I think it's time to take the little one home."

I smiled at him, running my fingers through her hair, "she had fun, Cass. Thank you."

He smiled, "did mom have fun too?"

I nodded as I leaned into his side, "yeah. I did."

We were halfway towards the exit when I heard someone call my name. I thought it was Feyre, she had gone off with Rhysand at some point while Cassian and I took care of Rey. I turned and looked for her.  But it wasn't Feyre or Mor who had called me. 

Standing there with that stupid smirk on his face was Tomas. Cassian was behind me. I felt sick, my stomach flipped. I tried not to let him see my hands shaking. 

"Nesta," he wasn't drunk this time. He was completely in control, "I've been looking for you."

"You have a restraining order," my voice was steady, "you shouldn't be in 100 feet of me."

He laughed, "well then call the police. Or better yet just throw that piece of paper at me. I know it won't hurt. I've had them before."

I hated him and his stupid face. I hated how he could change the entire mood. I had been so happy with Cassian, we had been having so much fun. Thankfully Rey was asleep. I saw Feyre out of the corner of my eye. She had stopped a little bit away, watching. Waiting.

I swallowed the bile that rose when he called my name. I stood up straighter willing my voice to be stronger than it really was. All it took was one moment with him and I was back there. I was back to being the helpless little girl who couldn't let go of the pain and fear he brought into my life.

"Why now Tomas? Why come back and harass me now? It's been two years. Haven't you gotten over whatever the hell it is you want from me?"

Tomas took a step forward, "I will never stop obsessing over you Nesta. Because you are the one that got away."

My heart stopped, "what?"

"You're the one who got away. I let you go, I let you go tell everyone about what happened to you," he was so close he brushed his fingers against my cheek. His angry voice got softer, "tell me. Did you ever love me Nesta?"

I shook my head, "you're a monster. I could never love a monster who drugs girls to have his fun."  
  
He wiggled his eyebrows, "and yet you're still here. Not moving as I touch you."

His hand grabbed my waist and I froze. My body went into panic mode. I couldn't move, my stomach turned to lead. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. I hated this. I hated how out of control he made me feel.

His lips brushed against mine, "god I missed you Nesta. You smell exactly the same. I bet you feel the same too."

His breath was hot in my ear. The world tilted around me as he pulled me closer to him. I was frozen in place and yet I didn't want to be here. I needed to get away but my body couldn't remember how to fight. I closed my eyes and I felt like I was thrown back into that room. Like I was the girl he had used and abused two years ago.

I couldn't see past the darkness that followed him. I felt sick, I felt like there were walls closing in on me. I tried to push him, but my arms wouldn't move. My body wouldn't respond just like that night almost three years ago. That night he made me into someone I can't even recognize.

"Mama!" Rey's little voice came through my panic. I opened my eyes and stepped away from Tomas.

He grabbed my wrist, "you're nothing but a whore Nesta. He'll never love you the way I did. He'll never forgive you for the things you've done."

Before I could think about it I slapped him across the face. He looked surprised, but instead of letting me go his grip on my hand tightened. I took in a breath as he laughed, Rey was crying now. Cassian kept ahold of her but I knew he wanted to come to me.

"Once a bitch always a bitch," he slammed his fist into my face before I could think of a way to escape his hold. I fell, stars swimming behind my eyes. I heard Rey crying loudly as footsteps ran towards me. 

A boot kicked my ribs. I let out a sob as someone pulled Tomas away from me. There was a crowd gathered now, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't hold onto myself. I opened my eyes and saw Rhysand hitting Tomas, Cassian restraining him.

Rey was with Mor and Feyre, her little tear stained face buried in her aunt's shoulder. The last thing I saw before I passed out was her reaching for me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta and Cassian have a fight.

The party was in full swing. The music was loud, the people were high and drunk. I hated these parties. I hated that Tomas found them fun and always found a way to drag me to them. He always made me feel guilty when I wanted to stay home. He was insanely jealous whenever I considered ditching him and these stupid parties to spend the night with Cassian instead.

So I let him talk me into this one, I held his hand as we walked around and he handed me a drink. I had been nursing it for at least a half an hour. I took a few sips and I didn't feel in control of my body. I held Tomas's hand as he pulled me up the stairs. But the room was hazy and I knew it wasn't from the smoke that surrounded me.

Tomas pulled me up the stairs and into one of the dark rooms. He smiled as he kissed me, his hands were rough as he grabbed me. He pulled me against him so hard I let out a gasp. I wanted to push him away, I didn't want this. I wasn't even sure why I was here.

"Nesta," he whispered my name as my tongue got bigger inside my mouth, "I love you Nesta."

I shook my head, the words caught in my throat. I didn't want this. I didn't want him. But I couldn't form the words, I couldn't push him away. My body wasn't mine anymore. It belonged to someone else.

I tried to scream, but nothing worked. Tears were in my eyes as he pushed me down onto the bed. I was crying as he touched me, his hand going to the button on my jeans. I kept shaking my head, fighting the darkness that threatened to take me under. But my body stopped listening, I stopped fighting as he pulled my pants down, his hands everywhere on my skin. I closed my eyes, just wishing it would be over soon.

"Nesta," it wasn't Tomas that I heard. The voice was soft, as if it was coming through a tunnel. The touch on my hand was gentle.

I kept crying. A hand brushed against my cheek.

I opened my eyes before I saw the rest of my dream play out. I gasped for air, making sure my body was mine again. Cassian was holding my hand, my heart pounding in my chest. The beeping from the monitors was loud and fast, telling me my heart was indeed pounding inside my chest. I let out a sob as I realized it had been a dream.

And yet part of it had been my reality.

"Shh it's okay," he whispered brushing my hair out of my face, "it was a dream. You're okay."

I nodded, wincing at the pain that filled my body. I shifted slowly, my body was sore. I groaned as I turned my head and looked at Cassian sitting there. I took in a deep breath, which was a bad move. I exhaled and it felt like shards of glass entered my lungs.

"Nesta," his voice was soft, "are you okay?"

A flash of Tomas coming at me played behind my eyes. The fair, he cornered me. Rey was in Cassian’s arms. It all came back with a sudden force, I would've sat up if my stomach wasn’t killing me. I brought my eyes back to my best friend. Then I nodded slowly, "yeah. Are you? Did he hit you?"

He shook his head, “no. He didn’t touch me. But you. You've got a bruised rib. He kicked you when you were down," he ran his thumb along my cheek, "and I wanted to tear him apart for hitting you."

I closed my eyes. My voice was broken, "Rey?"

"Feyre and Rhysand took her to his house."

I sighed with relief as I opened my eyes. Cassain squeezed my hand gently, letting me know he was still here. I looked at the hospital room slowly, avoiding his eyes. I hated hospitals. I winced as I sat up slowly, Cassian moved the pillows so I could lean against them. I sighed as he brushed his hand over the bruise that was still tender on my cheek.

"Thanks," I sighed as I pulled on the blanket.

"They said you can press charges. He violated the restraining order," Cassian squeezed my hand.

If I pressed charges he would only get out on bail. His family had money, another thing he liked to throw around. So he would post bail and then be free to come harass me more. But wasn’t that the point of a restraining order? Wasn’t it supposed to scare him? 

But if I pressed charges and he decided to look closer at Rey I was in trouble. Because I couldn’t let him get close enough to wonder who she truly belonged to. I couldn’t let him decide to take matters into his own hands and try get to her. I knew my answer before I even looked at Cassian.

I shook my head, "no. Tell the lawyer if he backs off and leaves me alone I won't press charges."

Cassian got angry. His jaw clenched and he glared at me, "you aren't going to press charges? Nesta. He violated his restraining order. He hurt you. He would've hurt Rey if I hadn't given her to Mor. And you're going to let him walk?"

I winced, "no. I just. Tell him to leave us alone and I won't put him in jail. Please Cassian."

He shook his head, "you're unbelievable. You should put him in jail and then you wouldn't have to worry about him. Because he's going to keep coming after you. He's not going to stop."

"I don't want to talk about it. This is my decision Cass. This is what I want okay?” he pulled his hand out of mine and pushed his hair out of his face. He was more than angry as he stood there staring at me. I tried to stop the tears from gathering in my eyes, but between the physical pain and fighting with Cassian I couldn’t stop them.

The door opened and shattered the tension around us. 

"Mama!" Rey came running into the room and climbed onto the bed with me. She hugged me tightly, the pain in my side nothing compared to feeling her here safe in my arms. She kissed my cheek and I forced a smile for her. Then she burrowed into my side and I knew she wouldn’t leave. I could tell she had been scared, she didn't like not knowing where I was.

Feyre sighed, "sorry Nes. She just wanted you."

I tried to fight off my tears as Cassian glared at me. I knew he was angry. His jaw flinched as he looked at my daughter and me, "it's fine. I'm okay Rey."

Rhysand looked at Cassian, "you okay?"

He nodded, "yeah. I just need air."

"Cassian," I called his name before he got to the door but he didn't stop. A tear slipped down my cheek as Rey whimpered in my arms. I smoothed down her hair and sighed as my sister looked at me.

I shook my head. Feyre sat down beside me, "everything okay?"

My eyes filled with even more tears. "He's mad. I don't want to press charges."

Rhysand's eyes went big. They both stared at me, "you aren't pressing charges? Why not?"

"I don't want to," I held Rey close, "because I don't want to go through the lawsuits. I don't want to put Rey through that."

Feyre sighed, "go talk to him," she looked at Rhysand.

He walked out of the room. Then she glared at me. She crossed her arms over her chest, “Nesta. He needs to be in jail.”

“He’ll just put up the bail. Then he’ll be even more angry and he’ll come after Rey. I won’t let him near her,” I winced as her little hand touched my side. She was sucking her thumb, something she only did when she was upset, “so if I don’t press charges maybe he’ll leave me alone.”

“You’re giving him more power. The fact that you got away, you’re still here and didn’t press charges when he raped you, that gets him off. He loves how much he can control you, how scared you are of him. This is his game Nesta, please stop playing it. Put him in jail. Then he can never ever get to Rey. Or you.”

Tears filled my eyes, “I don’t want to talk about this now, please,” I winced as the pain got worse, “can you tell Cassian I’m sorry? He doesn’t have to come back in, I know he’s angry. Which is probably for the best.”

Feyre shook her head, “always so self sacrificing. Always have to save yourself.”

The door opened and Rhysand came back in, “Cassian went home. He said he needed time to himself. I don’t blame him, Nesta. You need to press charges. They’ll hold Tomas over night for the fight, but he won’t stay unless you do something.”

I closed my eyes, “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

Rey was fast asleep beside me. I laid back down, the doctors came and gave me some medicine for the pain. They wanted to keep me a little longer to make sure my ribs were just bruised and not broken. So I closed my eyes and held onto Rey as Feyre and Rhysand tried to talk about calling the lawyer themselves.

I didn’t care anymore. I just needed a moment with my daughter. A moment to know that all this pain, all this fighting was worth it. Because she was here safe in my arms. I didn’t want to relive the past, I didn’t want to sit through a trial and have to tell everyone every little detail I couldn’t remember. I didn’t want people to accuse me of lying and claiming I had just changed my mind after Tomas forced me to sleep with him.

I wouldn’t put myself or my child through that sort of ordeal. So I wouldn’t press charges. I would do what I always did and I would find a way to keep both of us safe. Maybe a miracle would occur and Tomas would go back to whatever hole he crawled out of and leave me the hell alone.

——

They released me the next day. Feyre and Mor helped me get back home, Rey wouldn’t leave my side. I was instructed to rest for at least another twenty four hours so I had to call off of work that day. My manager was more than fine with it, she even offered to bring me some tea and food if I needed anything. I told her I was fine, just sore. She made me promise not to feel bad about calling off.

Feyre set me up in the living room. She knew I wouldn’t want to spend my entire day sitting in my bed. So she propped the pillows up on the couch so I could stretch out. She had a few books and movies and magazines waiting. Rey had her crayons out and she was drawing away as they walked me in. I needed their support, it was painful walking on my own.

It would’ve been a perfect homecoming if Cassian was there. But he wasn’t. He had stayed away. I hadn’t heard from him since we fought about Tomas. He didn’t call or text me. He didn’t even come to check up on me once Feyre told him I was home. I guess he was really upset.

Or maybe he had finally moved on. That’s what I wanted. For him to move on with his life and stop waiting for me. I should’ve been happy if that was the case, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be happy at the idea of my best friend dating someone else. 

I was bored, shifting through channels as Rey sat at the little table and colored. She loved to color and paint. She was more like Feyre, her head always in the clouds and drawing with whatever she could get her hands on. I looked at her, ignoring the television. She was worth it, she was worth more than all the pain I had suffered at the hands of that man.

Because she was my world, my rock. Even if Cassian never forgave me for what happened at the fair, if he never wanted to speak to me again I could live with it. Because in that moment, looking at my precious baby girl I knew she was the only person I would ever truly need. She was my saving grace, without her I would’ve given up.

“Rey,” I called her name and she smiled. I had been asleep a few minutes ago. She came tumbling towards me, her arms open as I pulled her up into my lap. I kissed her cheek, “I love you.”

“Love you mama,” she kissed my cheek and then settled in my arms, “Ashian?”

The only reason I would be hurt without my best friend was because this little girl loved him as fiercely as she loved me. I sighed and smoothed down her hair wondering if he would answer if I called him. I shook my head, I wasn’t going to apologize. This was my decision. The cops held Tomas for twenty four hours for assaulting me. Maybe he would leave me alone now, since I had let him go not once, but twice now.

“Ashian is working sweetheart,” I kissed her temple as she faced the TV, “want to watch Beauty and the Beast?”

She shook her head, “Tangled!”

My daughter loved disney movies. She was always watching and singing along to the princesses in the screen. I smiled as I found the movie and started it up. I had to admit out of all of the disney movies Tangled was my favorite too. I smiled as she leaned back into my chest. She was exhausted, Feyre wasn’t keeping with her napping schedule.

If she didn’t have to sleep she wouldn’t. Because she was my child, stubborn willed and all.

“Did Auntie Fey give you lunch?” I asked quietly as she took a drink from her sippy cup.

She nodded, “yeah. Wanted me to seep. I don’t want to seep. But Auntie Fey seeping.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes as Feyre came out into the living room. She tried to hide her yawn, “I uh. Thought we were taking a nap little miss thing.”

Rey giggled in my arms, “mama, movie!”

She pointed at the screen and Feyre sat down, “I’m sorry did she wake you? The doctor said you should rest and I tried to get her to nap, but damn your child is stubborn. And sweet, she pulled all the charm out to get me to let her up out of that bed.”

I laughed, “she’s fine. The only one she really goes to sleep for anymore is me or Cass. But he’s being,” I shrugged, “she didn’t wake me. Don’t worry she’ll fall asleep soon. She’s exhausted.”

Feyre bit her lip and looked at the screen. We watched the opening scene in silence as I felt Rey’s breathing start to even out. Her little eyes couldn’t hold themselves open any longer. She fell asleep in my arms, her zippy cup almost falling out of her hands. I leaned her head against my shoulder and pulled the blanket up around us.

Her little fist hit my stomach and I gasped. Tears filled my eyes as I shifted her to my good side and the pain slowly burned down. 

“I think you should call Cassian,” Feyre said suddenly after the first song.

“What?” I asked turning down the volume, “why should I call him?”

“This is stupid. You’re fighting over something stupid and you’ve known him for years. Nesta he just wants you safe, so do I. Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”

“I’m not making a big deal out of nothing, Cassian is. He’s being a baby and a brute because I won’t give in and do what he wants. He should call me, I’m the one who got beat up, remember?”

Feyre shook her head, “you’re both being selfish. That little girl asks for him every second of the day. She asked for him to lay down with her. She didn’t want me, she wants Ashian. She always wants Ashian. Because she’s as attached to him as you are. So if you two don’t make up, you’re going to break her little heart.”

My ribs hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain that entered my heart as I looked at my baby girl. I knew Feyre was right. She was always right when it came to me. I sighed, wondering if I could find the words to make Cassian see how stupid we were both being. I wouldn’t take all the blame for our fight. He was the one who started it. 

“Oh,” Feyre stopped before she left the room, “and Elain wants you to call her. She heard about what happened. She’s worried.”

I nodded, afraid to speak for the tears that threatened to spill. I didn’t want to think about my sisters or Cassian. I didn’t want to think or feel about anything at all. So I laid down with Rey still nestled in my arms and I closed my eyes. I let sleep take me into a dream where none of this was real. Where all my pain and confusion vanished.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets hurt and Cassian makes up with Nesta.

The best part about my job at the coffee shop was that the owner allowed me to bring Rey even when she was a baby. She understood how hard it was for me to find a job and take care of my child. She was the first and only person who truly cared to offer me a place to work while I was still learning how to be a single mother.

I loved working in this place. It was small and quiet, I knew most of the customers by name. I didn’t have a lot of hours, but it was nice to get out of the house and do something other than laundry and chores. It was nice to be needed as more than a mother. It kept me sane in those months when I thought the depression would drag me under.

The cafe was crowded today. I set Rey up in her corner table, the one where I could see her and yet she could color to her heart’s content. I kissed the top of her head as I grabbed my apron.

“Remember I can see you,” I pointed to the counter.

She giggled, “behave.”

I nodded and tapped her nose, “that’s my girl. And no talking to strangers.”

She nodded and started to color another picture of her family. She was always drawing pictures of her family. It was either me and Feyre or me and Cassian with her. I smiled, it had been three days now. I needed to talk to my best friend. I needed to hear his voice. I missed him more than I realized after yesterday.

And I knew my daughter missed him too.

I could put aside my pride and my pain for her.

If I was being honest I wanted him back. I wanted him back in my life as my best friend, even if that’s all he would ever be. I missed his smile, I missed his stupid jokes. Three days without hearing from him and I missed him more than I ever thought was possible. It hurt to know he was angry at me, for something that wasn’t even my fault. He was angry at me because of Tomas.

How much was that man going to take from me? When would I let him stop ruining my life even when he wasn’t even in it?

I tried to push Cassian out of my head and my heart as I was working. I distracted myself by making drinks instead of taking orders. I served a few people and then the crowd filed down. I kept my eye on Rey while still doing what needed to be done. I manned the register and filled the coffee. I smiled as the day seemed to go smoothly. I hadn’t been to work in a week. But it seemed like no time had passed at all.

The cafe was small, there were the regulars who came in and ordered the same thing. Those regulars watched Rey grow into her two year old self. There was even one older lady who used to watch her when she was really little, when Feyre couldn’t watch her for me. She still came in and asked about my sweet little girl. I loved how many people loved her. It was nice to know that people truly cared about her even if they heard the rumors of how she came to be.

No one faulted Rey for it. And no one should. She wasn’t a product of her father’s evil. She was a result of it and she was a product of the love and devotion Feyre and Cassian and I had given her over the last two years. She was my daughter and no one else would ever tell me otherwise.

I glanced up after an hour of working, my eyes automatically landing on Rey’s table. My heart stopped as I walked out from behind it and towards my daughter. My heart was in my throat as I picked her up out of the chair. My stomach groaned, my ribs were still tender.

But I’d be damned if I let Tomas sit there and talk to her without me present.

“You aren’t allowed here,” I held Rey’s face close to my shoulder.

He smiled, that wicked smile I remember flashing before he hit me. I was actually shocked at the fact that he physically assaulted me. No once in our relationship had he touched me. But the night he took away my choice, he left bruises in his wake.

Now he thought he could do whatever he wanted to me. As if he still owned me. I wasn’t sure what kind of world he lived in, but I wanted out of it. 

Tomas kept smiling at me, “Nesta. I heard you worked here. Don’t worry I remember the little threat of a restraining order. I just wanted to get to know you’re beautiful daughter here. She tells me she’s two.”

“You aren’t allowed to speak to her,” I glared at him, “don’t think you can come back home after two years and act like you own this town. This is my town, this is my home. You don’t belong here.”

He shrugged, “and yet you didn’t put me in jail. What does that say, Nesta? Do you still believe you don’t love me? Because if that’s true then I’d be behind bars right now, wouldn’t I?”

I hated that smug smile he wore on his face. My jaw clenched as Sorrel called out for me, “Nesta I’m calling the police.”

Tomas waved his hand, “don’t worry old woman, I’m just leaving.”

He stopped before he walked past me, his fingers waving in Rey’s face. She smiled, but I held tighter to her. I heard her try not to giggle, “I’ll be seeing you sweetheart.”

“Over my dead body you will,” I gave him the meanest stare I could find as Rey wiggled in my arms. She pressed her nose against the crook of my neck. I knew she was scared now. She didn’t know this man, she could sense I didn’t like him. Good. She needed to follow that instinct. She needed to stay away from him.

Tomas leaned in close, “don’t worry, we can arrange that.”

I shivered as he slipped past me and walked out the door. I shook my head, letting out a slow breath as I set Rey back down in her chair, “I told you not to talk to strangers, Rey.”

She looked close to tears, “he sitted down whiff me,” she rubbed her eyes.

I kissed her cheek, “it’s okay sweetheart, I’m not upset. I just don’t want you talking to him, okay?” 

Rey rubbed her eye again, “mama. where Ashian? I miss Ashian.”

My heart hurt as she asked me about him. She sounded so little, so full of innocence and love for the man who had been there since she was born. She loved him as if he were her father and in more ways than not he was. I hated that we were fighting. I hated that he wasn’t coming around. I hated that he would throw aside my child for his own stupid pride.

But what hurt the most was wondering if he had thrown us aside for someone new. Someone who didn’t have baggage like mine. Someone who was younger and prettier, who would love him the way I wasn’t sure I could ever let myself love another man. Because I let Tomas in, and if I could love someone as vile as that man, what did that say about me?

I let out a slow breath, “Ashian is busy sweetheart,” I couldn’t stop the tear that slipped down my cheek, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll call him after I’m done and we can see if he’ll come over okay?”

She nodded all her fear from Tomas was gone, “yeah!” 

She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me. I could push aside my stupid pride, my need for him to apologize to me, for my little girl. Because I wouldn’t be the reason she lost yet another person in her life. Rey sat back down and then kissed her cheek, “I’ll go get you some milk, how about that? You want some milk?”

She smiled, “chocolate!”

I rolled my eyes, but smiled at her as I stood up. I tried not to let his little visit concern me, I tried to stop thinking about it. He had come here for Rey, that much was clear. He wanted me to know he didn’t believe me. He didn’t believe that she belonged to someone else. How I wasn’t sure. Why he was obsessed with her, well that was easy to guess.

He loved how much it agitated me.

I pushed it all down as I grabbed a cup and filled it with milk. I walked back over to the table and Rey was balancing on the table top. I wasn’t playing nice now, she was pushing it. I grabbed her arm and pulled her off the table, scaring her half to death. Her eyes were wide as I gave her what Feyre dubbed my mommy stare.

"Rey I told you stay off the table top please," I tapped her nose and she nodded. I sat her cup of chocolate milk in front of her. She sat back down in her chair and I went to take an order.

I started to make the coffee the woman ordered, my mind on the fair and everything that had happened in the last week. I splashed myself with some hot liquid. I muttered a curse as it burned my skin. But it wouldn’t leave a mark, no there were worse scars I carried than this one. I sighed and wiped my hands off Then I heard a crash. I almost dropped the cup when Rey started screaming.

Her scream chilled my bones.

I handed the customer her drink and then ran to the table Rey had been sitting at. It was on its side, her glass was shattered and her face was bleeding. She reached for me as she sobbed loudly, "mama."

"Rey Acheron I told you not to get on the table," I dropped to my knees and grabbed a rag out of my apron. I pulled her into my arms and pressed a cloth to her forehead but it wouldn't stop bleeding. It dropped down her nose and she kept crying.

Sorrel came to clean things up, "I'm so sorry. I should help."

She shook her head, "take her to the ER that child needs stitches."

I nodded as I wrapped the cloth in her hand, "can you hold this to your head for me Rey? Yeah just like that."

I pulled my phone out as I grabbed my keys. I carried Rey out to the car and unlocked the doors. If I wasn’t holding her my hands would be shaking. She was still bleeding, her sobs were still coming out in puffs of air. I didn’t think about it, I just tapped the first number in my phone as I strapped her into her car seat. My heart pounded as I ran around the car and turned it on.

"Hello?"

"Cassian," I tried to fight off my tears as I merged into traffic, "can you uh. Meet me at the hospital?"

I heard him take in a breath. We hadn’t talked to each other in three days and yet I knew he would drop everything to come to me. I knew he would stop whatever he was doing to help me. He would always save me, "Nesta what happened?"

"I'll tell you when we get there," Rey started crying again. Loudly this time, "we need you."

"I'm on my way."

I hung up the phone as I found a spot and then hurried into the lobby. The drive to the hospital had been a blur. I made it in record time as my little girl cried in the back of the car. I hated to see her in pain. I pulled her out of her carseat and all but ran into the lobby. The cloth was almost covered in red as I set her down on the desk.

"She fell," I said before the nurse could ask, "a glass shattered. She needs stitches."

They ushered me back to a room right away. Rey wouldn't leave my arms as the doctor came out and looked at the cut. He pulled pieces of glass out, my baby crying as he did. Rey’s sobs were the only sound that filled the room. I held her tightly in my arms as she wiggled against the pain. 

“Shh, it’s okay sweetie,” I kissed the top of her head as the doctor pulled out another small shard, “he’s going to make it better.”

I let out a slow breath steeling myself against her cries. The doctor glanced up at me and I could tell he was thinking about getting a nurse to trade places with me. I shook my head slightly, I had to be strong. I had to hold her. He went back to Rey’s forehead. I held onto her tighter and then I heard a booming voice in the lobby. I knew who it was even before the doctor looked to me.

“Please I need to get back there. A little girl, Acheron. Which room?” he was all but yelling, demanding they tell him where we were. I would’ve smiled if Rey wasn’t holding my hand with all the strength she possessed in her little body. Just knowing he was here sent relief down my spine.

"I take it that belongs to you," the doctor said as I sat up straighter and Rey looked to the door.

"Yeah," I whispered as Cassian found his way to the room. The nurse scurried away as soon as she let him in. The moment he came into my eyesight I relaxed. His long hair was disheveled, he was wearing his glasses. I hated when he wore his glasses, because they made him look that much better. His eyes were red and I had a feeling he was wearing those glasses because he hadn’t been sleeping.

Maybe fighting had taken as much a toll on his as it had on me.

"Ashian," her little voice quivered as he walked in and the doctor moved back. Her head was still bleeding, but she wasn't crying now that the numbing medicine had taken hold. She reached her little hands out and he touched her cheek. He wiped away a tear before pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

She tried to grab the front of his shirt with her little fingers, but he pulled back before she could. She wanted him to protect her, to stop this doctor who was hurting her. She wanted her Cassian, the only father figure she had ever had, to be the one to hold her while the doctor fixed her.

Cassian looked at me, "I'm here," he took my hand in his as the doctor disposed of his gloves and got new ones.

I nodded as I swallowed my tears. There were so many things I needed to say to him, so much to apologize for. But I didn’t get a chance. The doctor turned around, "so it's probably best if dad holds the child for the stitches. I'll get a nurse as well but sometimes mom doesn't like to help."

Cassian smiled slightly. The doctor thought he was hers. That had been the plan all along right? I felt my heart pull, because he was hers. No blood or name could change the fact that this child loved him. She had loved him since the day she was born. I couldn't ask for a better partner, a better friend.

The doctor was right. I didn't want to hold her down while they hurt her. I could barely handle holding her while he cleaned the wound. I couldn’t stomach doing it while they stitched up her skin with a needle. Cassian nodded as I handed Rey to him. Our hands brushed and Rey settled in his arms, "thank you," I whispered trying as hard as I could to keep myself together.

Cassian kept his arms around her as the doctor brought the needle closer. A nurse held her legs down. I closed my eyes, I couldn’t watch as he stitched up her forehead. She screamed loudly as the first stitch was made. A tear slipped down my cheek, I pushed down the sickening feelings that flooded me. 

It felt like hours before Rey stopped crying. But it was only twenty minutes later that the doctor said he was finished and he put some more medicine on the stitches. He smiled at Rey who was crying silently now, glaring at him. She turned and buried her face in Cassian’s chest. He held her tighter, closer to him. He wanted to protect her from everyone, even those who were there to help her.

I knew because I would always feel the same way. It was the love of a parent, the bond that was created when you looked into your newborn baby’s eyes. It was a silent promise you made when you took them home. When you knew that your life wasn’t the only one that mattered anymore.

The doctor left us alone. I let out a breath and looked at my daughter. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. But she looked better. She put her thumb in her mouth and I shook my head, knowing she needed the comfort more than I needed to scold her for it. I exhaled the breath I had been holding. The worst of it was over now. She was going to be okay.

My body relaxed, the tension left me as Cassian picked Rey up and then sat down behind her. She leaned her back against his chest, her little eyes fluttering, trying to stay open. All the crying and the pain had worn her out. But she wouldn’t fall asleep, not here in this room where the doctor had hurt her. I looked at Cassian, he wasn’t looking at me.

“You came," I whispered leaning forward, towards the table. Cassian finally brought his eyes to mine. They weren’t filled with anger or hate like I thought they would be. Instead they were filled with pain, "I didn't think you would. You were mad at me."

He leaned forward and kissed the top of my head. It was a small gesture, but it filled the gaps he had left in me these last three days. It soothed the ache inside my chest, "I will always come.”

I nodded, watching Rey fall asleep in his arms, “I know. I just, wasn’t sure what happened these last three days. I was afraid, you might have moved on from us. you might have not wanted to be… here.” 

Cassian shook his head, his eyes wider, “I will always want to be here with you girls, Nesta. You’re my family,” I smiled at the word, at the way his voice got gentle when he said it. He cradled Rey in his arms now, “and I realized it's your decision. Like you said it is your choice what to do about Tomas. I can't force you to put Tomas in jail. I'm sorry."

I hugged his arm, "thank you. For always being here.”

“I will always be here,” he whispered softly as the doctor came back in with paperwork, “no matter how hard you try to push me away Nesta, I will always be here.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta finally tries to make a decision about Cassian.

Sorrel told me not to come back into the cafe. She told me to take Rey home and give her the love and attention she would surely need after getting stitches. So that’s what I did. I took her home and Feyre and Mor were instantly there, ready to cuddle and soothe all the pain that had been caused to her today. I rolled my eyes as I watched her put on a show. The pain was gone, she had been giggling in the car.

But she loved the attention. I smiled as they fussed over her. Cassian had followed me home. I felt him the moment he came into the house. He stood behind me, always there, always solid. I couldn’t thank him enough for being there for me today, no questions asked he just dropped everything and came to me. Even when he was mad.

I didn’t deserve him.

I let out a slow breath as everyone fawned over my daughter. I knew I should tell them everything. Feyre watched me as Mor talked to Rey and asked her about her stitches. I knew I should tell them the truth about Tomas and the things he had said, all the new threats he made. But I didn’t want to ruin the fact that Cassian and I had just made up. I didn’t want to remind him why we had been fighting in the first place.

“So she just fell?” Feyre asked quietly as she came over to me.

I looked at my sister and then Cassian. He was holding Rey now, her head on his shoulder. She looked as tired as I felt. I knew I had to tell them the truth. I pushed my hair out of my face, “yeah she fell because she was on top of the table like I always tell her not to be.”

She hid her face in Cassian’s shoulder and I couldn’t help but smile. Feyre kept watching me, she knew there was more. I looked at her instead of Cassian, “but that’s not all that happened. Before she fell, before it all happened Tomas was there. He sat down and talked to her.”

Cassian let out a growl, at least that’s what it sounded like from where I stood. I saw the anger in his eyes, I saw them narrow as he looked at me. I even saw his arms tighten around Rey’s waist.

Feyre gasped, “what?”

Mor watched me now too. I shook my head, “he was only there for a few minutes, talking to her. She told him she’s two and that’s all I know. He threatened me, but then again when doesn’t he,” I rolled my eyes, “but you were right Cass. I should’ve pressed charges. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put you all in this position.”

I felt the tears gather in my eyes as I got ready to break down. I had been so strong today, I had held myself together for Rey after Tomas showed up and somehow managed to make it through her getting stitches. But now standing there with my sister and Cassian I couldn’t hold it together anymore. He scared me this time. Because he had cornered my child.

Cassian handed Rey to Mor and walked towards me. He put his hand on my shoulder and then his thumb brushed away a tear, “I won’t let him near you or Rey I promise. Nesta look at me,” he hooked his fingers under my chin and forced me to meet his gaze, “I’m not mad. It was your decision, I told you that. It’s the truth. I will stand by you no matter what.”

I nodded, swallowing the tears that kept filling my throat. Cassian pulled me into a hug. I listened to his heart beat, counting the rhythm as we stood there together. It took less than a minute for him to settle me, for the tears to disappear and for my strength to return. I stepped out of his arms slowly and nodded my head, letting him know I was okay. I ran my hands over my face as Rey let out a loud, dramatic sigh.

“Let’s go get you a bath and put some clean pajamas on huh?” I pulled Rey out of Feyre’s arms and took her to the bathroom. 

I ran the warm water as she took her clothes off. She looked ready for bed, but I needed to wash the germs off of her. A good warm bath was just what she needed after the day she endured.

I heard whispering from the kitchen. I didn’t strain myself to hear the words as I lifted Rey into the bathtub. She smiled as I kissed her cheek and then started to wash her with the baby soap. I wanted her to smell like my baby again, not like the hospital we had just come from.

“I sowwy mama,” she whispered as I washed her little body.

I smiled at her, “it’s okay, sweetheart. Accidents happen,” I tapped her nose, “but did we learn not to get up on the table like mama has told you a million times?”

She nodded, “yeah,” I rinsed the soap off of her. 

I let her sit in the water for a little longer and when she looked like she was about to fall asleep sitting there I pulled the drain. I wrapped the towel around her and dried her off. She didn’t protest as I dressed her and then pulled her long hair out of her face. I smiled as she kissed my cheek and then leaned into me.   
I picked her up and carried her back to our room. She was asleep before I even laid her down in my bed. I wanted to watch her tonight, so she would get her wish. She got to sleep in my big bed instead of her crib. I pulled my blanket up around her and then kissed her forehead before I closed the bedroom door.

I cleaned up the bathroom and then found everyone still sitting in the kitchen. I stood in the hallway for a moment, my heart pounding. We might have apologized to each other, but there was still a lot of things I needed to talk about with my best friend.

Feyre smiled, “is she okay?”

I nodded, “yeah she’s just tired now. She fell asleep once I had her dressed.”

Mor touched my arm, “how are you?”

“I’m fine. When she fell I went into full on panic mode, but I’m okay now that she’s okay. She was bleeding so much and I just couldn’t stop it,” my eyes flashed towards Cassian. He was quiet as I spoke, “it’s been a long day.”

“Yeah I’m sure it has. I’m going to go pick up dinner, I ordered Rey’s favorite. I’ll just keep it warm in case she wakes up,” Feyre pulled on Mor’s hand, “come on.”

Once they were gone the silence filled the room. I took in a deep breath and tried to keep myself together. Between Tomas hurting me and Rey falling and getting stitches this week had been more eventful than any other week in my entire life. I was ready for bed myself. I brought my eyes up and looked at my best friend.

We were alone. I could tell him I was sorry. I could ask him to stay.

Or I could keep playing this game. I could keep pushing him away even though I knew he would always find a way back in.

Cassian stood facing me with his back against the counter. I ran my hand through my hair finally making a decision. I took a step forward and tried to stop the butterflies that filled my stomach.

My voice was steadier than I thought it would be, "thanks. For being there. I don't know what I would've done. No I know that I would've fallen apart without you holding my hand."

He smiled slightly as I walked into his open arms. I sighed, pressing my face into his chest. I breathed him in, sandalwood and sunshine. It soothed my soul, the fears and aches today had brought with it. I wasn’t sure if it was the events of today, the fact that he came even though he shouldn’t have, or because I was just too tired to keep fighting. Whatever it was I made my decision and I wasn’t going to change it.

"Nesta," he whispered my name. I pulled my face back and looked up at him through my lashes. There was a strange expression on his face. He hooked his fingers under my chin and slowly leaned down.

I gasped right before his lips touched mine. My body went still as my hands stayed trapped between me and his chest. One arm held my waist, the other stayed holding my chin. I couldn’t stop wondering if we should do this. My brain screamed at me to stop before I ruined everything. But my heart felt alive, it beat against my chest wildly.

Kissing Cassian was like finally coming home. His lips were warm against mine, his touch gentle. I closed my eyes, leaning further into him as he kissed me slowly. A first kiss I never shared with anyone. He was gentle and caring. He let me set the pace, he let me decide when I would open myself up to him. I could feel every emotion he felt for me in that kiss.

I knew that kiss all those weeks ago hadn’t been a dream. Cassian confirmed it as soon as his lips touched mine. He kissed me like I was the last drop of air he would ever be able to find. He held me as if I was the most precious thing he had ever laid his big hands on. I leaned into him, wanting more. I didn’t realize I needed this until he held me in his arms.

"Mama!" I pulled away as a little voice called for me. I looked at my best friend. My cheeks blushed red as he looked at me with desire in his eyes. We were both gasping for air. I wasn't sure what to say, how to feel now that we had finally kissed. But I wanted to do it again. I never wanted to stop.

Someone cleared their throat. I jumped when I saw Feyre standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. Mor was right beside her, the bags off food in her arms. They both raised an eyebrow at me. I stepped out of Cassian's arms, my cheeks turned pink.

"Mama!"

Somehow I found my voice, "I should go check on her," I whispered as he let me go. My cheeks were bright red as I walked past my sister. My hands were shaking. My entire body felt like it was on fire where he had touched me. If Feyre hadn’t come in at that moment I knew I would’ve let him kiss me forever. 

I opened my door and found Rey sitting on the bed. There were tears in her eyes as she reached for me. I crawled into bed beside her, my hands no longer shaking as I pulled her close.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" I asked as she settled in my arms.

"Sweepy," she yawned and I felt her shiver against me. The doctors said she might be fussy after the stitches to her forehead.

I held her in my arms, "I'm here sweetheart. I'm here."

I closed my eyes and tried to stop thinking about the kiss I shared with my best friend. I tried to stop wondering what this meant, if tomorrow things would be the same. All I knew was that I wanted to kiss him again. And that I had deprived myself of him for far too long. I should've told him what it meant. That exhaustion and fear hadn't been the motive behind it.

Somewhere during my internal debate I fell asleep holding Rey tightly to my chest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta and Cassian finally have a happy moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's the deal. I won't be posting the next chapter until I hit my next goal for NANO.   
> Which hopefully is sooner rather than later.  
> Thanks for all the comments and I hope this holds you over until then.

Life has an interesting way of surprising you. One minute you think you’ve got a handle on the things it wants to throw at you. You think you’re doing well and that everything will stay in the peaceful state it is in. But then something happens, be it big or small, and throws you off your game. It changes you and you start to wonder how you’ll ever achieve that sense of normalcy again.

That’s what it felt like when after I kissed my best friend.

It was as if my entire life had been changed, as if I was a new person waking up in the same body I had lived in for twenty years. He was still my best fried, but instead of wondering when he would make me laugh and show up out of the blue, I started to wonder if I could kiss him again. I started to wonder if he wanted me, if he enjoyed the kiss as much as I had. I started to think like a girl who had been taken out on her very first date and the guy hadn’t called her back for a second.

I wanted the normalcy back. I wanted Cassian to come into the house and tell me we were going to the fair or the mall. I wanted him to be that solid form that was always there. I didn’t like wondering. I didn’t like being kept at a distance. I didn’t like the girl who was worried he didn’t want to kiss her again.

It had been two days since I kissed him. Two day and yet Feyre still hadn’t asked me about it or what it meant. Cassian hadn't come over at all. He did however call me to check up on Rey. He promised he would come over as soon as he could. He was supposed to show up today after work. To say I was nervous was an understatement.

I kept reminding myself that this was Cassian, my best friend. There was no reason to be nervous. This was exactly what I wanted. Who I wanted.

Feyre took Rey to the park before Cassian showed up. She claimed it was so we could have our privacy, but I knew that she was afraid we would start fighting. My sister knew how stubborn I could be. She wasn’t sure if I wanted that kiss, or if I had finally embraced my feelings. I hadn’t talked to her about it, because I wanted to talk to Cassian first. I didn’t want to tell everyone what page I was on only to find out he decided he didn’t want to be on the same one. I wanted to be sure of both of us, before I told anyone else.

I chewed on my lip as he walked into the house. He looked even better than I remembered. His dress shirt was paired with a pair of dark washed jeans. He had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the top two buttons were undone. His absence had made me miss him. I should’ve tried harder, I was wearing the usual leggings and tee shirt combination I had adapted once I had a toddler to chase around. I took in a deep breath as he met me in the kitchen.

He didn't hesitate, he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

"I missed you," I mumbled into his shoulder.

He smiled, "I was worried you wouldn't miss me." 

I stepped back, my hands were shaking again. I swallowed the fear in my throat not sure where to start with his conversation. Before I could think too hard on it he leaned down and brushed his lips to mine quickly.

It was as if he didn't have to think about it. He just needed to kiss me again. I smiled as he pulled away, "that's allowed now right?"

He slipped his arms around my waist, "I um. Cassian."

My mind was a mess of emotions. I didn't know where to start, what to say. I closed my eyes and laughed at how utterly out of control I felt. There was never a guy I dated who made me flustered like this. There was never a moment when I truly believed my heart would be broken if I was rejected. But I knew that was because none of them were Cassian.

None of them were as important to me as this man.

"Nesta," he whispered my name softly, "look at me."

I opened my eyes and there he was. My best friend. The Cassian who had always been there. He gave me that crooked smile and then slowly leaned towards me. His mouth was inches away from mine. I could feel his breath as he spoke, "I've wanted to kiss you for the last ten years Nesta. Please don't shut down on me now that I've finally gotten you."

A laugh escaped my throat before he kissed me again. I shut my mind off. I stopped wondering what this meant and kissed him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pushed me back against the counter. He kissed me harder, he pushed his body into mine.

I gasped for air as I broke away, his lips hot on my neck. I arched my back, my chest hitting his as he kept kissing me. His teeth grazed the skin on my shoulder and I had to close my eyes before moaning. He picked up my right leg, wrapping it around his waist.

"Cassian," I moaned his name as his lips touched my chest. His hands never strayed from my waist, but his mouth was everywhere. He brought his lips back to the ear, making he shiver as he kissed below it.

He hummed, "this isn't a game for me. I want you Nesta," his deep voice sent shivers down my spine, "tell me what you want.”

All the questions I had been waiting to ask, all the things I needed to know were answered in that single sentence. Cassian didn’t even wait for me to wonder, to question what the kiss we shared had meant. He answered my thoughts, my fears with his kiss and his touch. I let out a breath as I looked into his eyes and I felt my broken heart piece itself back together.

I slipped my arms around his neck, bringing my leg back down to the floor. I slid my hands under his shirt and pushed it up, my fingers running over all his muscles. I hadn't felt desire like this for a long time. Not since Tomas got his hands on me. I thought I would never want another man that way. I thought I would always be ashamed of my body and the way he had abused me.

But Cassian looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on. His hands went to my shirt and he pulled it off. My breathing hitched as he looked down at my chest, lust filling his eyes.

I pushed him back, "I want this," I whispered lacing my fingers through his, "I want you too."

He pulled me back into him as we made our way to my bedroom. He didn't break our kiss as he shut the door and then laid me down on the mattress. His hands explored every part of my body, warm and calloused they made me feel alive. I couldn't control the noises that escaped me as he kissed up and down my neck.

His hand went to the waistband of my jeans. I went stiff, having a moment of uncertainty. But he stopped, his eyes blazing with worry as he pulled back to look at me.

"I'm okay," I whispered bringing my hand to his cheek. This was Cassian. He touched me as if I was made of glass. He would never ever hurt me.

"You say the word," he whispered kissing me softly, "and we can stop."

I nodded. He knew I hadn't slept with anyone since I had Rey. He knew how I felt about it all, because he had been there. He knew every fear, every doubt that had been etched into my mind and my heart since that night. Slowly he undid the button to my pants and I relaxed under his touch.

He pulled my pants off and threw them to the floor. I sat up as he unclasped my bra. He stopped when he looked down at me. The only thing separating us were his jeans and my tiny pair of underwear. I shivered under his gaze, but he smiled. He licked his lips and shook his head.

"God you're so beautiful Nesta," he drew his finger over the scar that I had gotten from a tree branch stabbing me when we were little. His hand cupped my breast, "so beautiful."

I smiled as he kissed me, his hands moving down my chest and over my thighs. My hips bucked, his mouth moved to take his hands place on my chest. I gasped as he pulled down the last scrap of clothing and then he touched me. 

I could've screamed as his finger brushed against me. I threw my head back, arching my hips to let him touch me better. My mouth fell open and I moaned as he kept kissing my body. He wasn't just touching me, he was worshiping me. My body shook with tension.

"Cassian," I moaned his name as he slipped a finger inside me. He was slow and sweet, he wanted me to be okay with everything he was doing. I wanted him to go faster.

I moved my hips against his hand. My moans getting louder, "Cassian. Oh shit," I almost lost it when he licked me. His mouth replaced the thumb that had been stroking me. His fingers thrusting harder as he worked to uncoil the tension building in my stomach.

My fingers buried themselves in his hair. My body was shaking, my hips meeting his fingers. I couldn't stop gasping, I couldn't stop moaning. All the things I had been worried about before were gone. My mind was finally silent as the man I had been in love with for the last ten years undid me.

"Cassian," my voice was shaky, "so close. Cassian I can't."

He brought his free hand up and held me down. My hips were bucking off the bed as I fought his hold. He felt so good, I hadn't felt this before. I had been with plenty of guys, but none of them touched me like this. None of them worshiped me like I was worthy of them.

"Come for me sweetheart," his deep voice hit me right in the core and I felt my body give up. The pressure released and I moaned a strangled cry of curses and Cassian as I floated through my high.

Cassian was smiling as he pulled himself back up over me. It took me a moment to come down, to remember who this was and what we were doing. I looked up at him, my body preparing itself for more.

"I think that's my favorite new memory of you," he whispered drawing lazy circles over my stomach.

I smiled and grabbed his pants. I pushed them down to his ankles as I flipped us over, "I wouldn't be so sure," I whispered before kissing him. I could taste myself on his lips as his hands anchored me to his waist. I straddled him, my hips grinding against his. He let out a hiss when I felt how ready he was.

I pulled away from his lips, giving him room to pull his boxers off. His pants joined mine on the floor. He kept his eyes on me as I reached between us and ran my hand over his smooth manhood. His mouth fell open as I stroked him.

"Nesta," he breathed a strangled cry. I giggled as his eyes rolled back and then I kissed his chest. He shook his head and then rolled us over.

He was above me now, "are you sure?" He asked quietly as he nudged apart my legs. 

I nodded, opening wider for him, "I love you Cassian," the words fell out before I could think them through. There was so much we had to talk about. And yet in this moment I knew that was the truth. I knew I was finally telling the truth.

I gasped as he filled me, his eyes connecting with mine, "I love you," his moan matched mine as he stopped and let me adjust, "too."

I pulled him down to me by the back of his neck. I kissed him hard as he started to move slowly inside me. That tension that had been released before slowly started to  build again. I moved my hips to match his, begging for him to go faster.

He pulled his mouth from mine and picked up the pace, "beautiful," he whispered again and again as he thrust into me. I cried out, not caring how loud I was. This was what I had been dreaming about. This was everything I never knew we could have together.

"Nesta I," his voice broke as I felt him tense above me. I was so close and so was he.

"Don't stop," I begged. He moved one hand between my legs and touched me again. I gasped as his fingers worked the bundle of nerves between my legs and he moved faster. I threw my head back, my eyes rolling backwards.

He was holding on for me. I looked at him as I felt the tension ready to release, "come for me sweetheart."

He laughed at my use of his words. But he came with a groan as I fell over the cliff with him. He kissed me as we stayed together, his body tangled up in mine.

Cassian laid down beside me as we regained our breath. He pulled me close, his fingers running along my arm and tickling my skin. I turned to look at him.

"I know we have a lot to talk about," I whispered as his eyes found mine, "and I have a lot of baggage. But I meant what I said. I love you Cassian," a tear slipped down my cheek, "I'm pretty sure I always have."

His smile spread slowly, but it was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. He kissed my forehead and then my cheeks. I laughed before he pressed another kiss to my lips.

"I've been in love with you since we were kids," he whispered against my skin, "I'm not going to let you go.”

I ran my finger down his cheek shivering as he touched me. My heart was settling, my body wasn’t afraid of this anymore, “I’m glad it was you,” I whispered softly as I kissed the back of his hand, “I’m glad you were the one who touched me again.”

Cassian’s answering smile made this moment even sweeter. He leaned in and closed the distance between us, his arms wrapped around my waist. I would never get enough of this, of him. I couldn’t believe after two years of being so afraid of someone touching me, I had finally found my way here to this bed with the man who had not only woke me up, but had worshiped every scar and bruise I wore.

I pulled back and looked into his dark brown eyes, marveling in the fact that he wanted me the same way I wanted him.

I knew there was more to say, more to sort out. But right now in his arms I was okay with every admission we had made. I took in a breath and felt my heart finally settle. I felt like myself again, not like the girl who had fallen apart only hours ago. I kissed Cassian's shoulder.

I was a fool to be afraid of this. I had been stupid to believe this would never work out.

I smiled as I buried myself in his chest. I closed my eyes, exhausted by the events of this afternoon. Cassian kept running his hand lightly over my back. I fell asleep in his arms, dreaming about the life and the family, we could one day have together.


	11. Chapter 11

I woke up to giggling. Light flooded in from the hallway. Cassian had his arm draped over my waist. I was pulled close to his chest. Thankfully I was holding the blanket against my chest. I opened my eyes and saw Rey and Feyre standing in the doorway.

"Mama!" She bounced into the room as my sister looked at us. My daughter jumped on the bed, waking Cassian in the process, "Ashian!"

"So I offered to watch your daughter so you two can talk," her voice was soft as Cassian held me tighter to him, "if this is your version of talking I should really tell Rhysand we're doing it wrong."

My cheeks blushed, "Feyre."

"I'm kidding Nesta. Rey, hey come with me. Mama and Ashian have to get up for dinner," she wiggled her eyebrows as Rey kissed my cheek and then followed her aunt out of the room. I heard her telling Rey that they were going to make dinner together for Rhysand and everyone else.

I turned over and looked at Cassian. He was smiling as he put his hand on my waist. I leaned up and kissed him. I would never tire of kissing him, "I think our secret is out."

He laughed, brushing my hair away from my face, "after you kissed me I told Feyre how I felt. She told me to make a move because you never would. I guess I took her advice a little too seriously."

I laughed as he hugged me to his chest, "I never thought you'd want me. Not with Rey and everything else that's happened. Not when you can have any girl you want at the drop of a hat," tears filled my eyes as I looked at him, "and I didn't want to lose you as my friend either. So I thought having you in my life as a friend was better than not having you at all."

Cassian wiped away a tear, "I felt that way for a long time, especially after you found out you were pregnant. The timing was never right, you needed a friend more than a lover. But now," he kissed my forehead and smiled, "now I don't ever plan on letting you go."

I smiled as he tickled me, "we should get dressed before Rhysand and Azriel come looking for you. Feyre will tell them all you know."

He laughed, "I mean. I plan on telling them all. Because I finally get to call the girl of my dreams mine."

I stood up and stretched, letting him watch the sheet fall off my body. I felt more confident with Cassian, I felt like I truly belonged beside him. I grabbed some clothes to wear as he sat up and grabbed my waist. He pressed a kiss to my shoulder.

"Can I stay here tonight?" He asked softly.

"Well we can't have round two. I do share a room with my daughter," I smiled as I turned in his arms, "but I'd like that. You know you’re always welcome to stay."

He nodded, kissing me softly before letting me go to get dressed. He bent down and picked up his own clothes. I changed into leggings and a loose shirt as he finished pulling his shirt on. I couldn't stop staring at him, realizing this was it. He was officially choosing me.

Cassian pulled me into his side as we walked out of the room. Rhysand was already there, helping Rey stir the sauce. His eyes glanced up at us and he gave Cassian a knowing smile. He nodded at me and I felt my cheeks flush. I let out a breath as he winked, his eyes finally landing on our joined hands.

"Mama!" Rey jumped up and ran to me. I smiled as she hugged me tightly. She kissed my cheek as I bent down to her level. I pushed her hair off her face to look at her stitches.

She looked a lot better, "how's my girl? Did you have fun with aunt Fey at the park?"

"Yeah! Swings," she smiled brightly as she reached for me to pick her up. I sighed and scooped her up, my hand falling out of Cassian's.

Feyre smiled at us standing there. I could see it all written on her face, we looked like a true family, "she was an angel Nesta. She's a good girl," my sister leaned into Rhysand, "you don't have to worry about her behaving."

"Ashian!" She wiggled in my arms for Cassian who stood behind me. He smiled as he took her from me and kissed her cheek, "mama and Ashian."

Cassian looked at me, "yeah. Mama and Ashian. You like mama and Ashian?"

She nodded, “mama love Ashian."

His smile fell slightly as she kissed his cheek, "yeah. I love you too little girl."

I wiped away a tear, "okay. Is dinner almost ready? Do you need help with anything?"

"No you two can go relax," Feyre smiled, "you had quiet the afternoon."

I rolled my eyes, and Rhysand tried to cover his laugh with a cough. Azriel and Mor walked in as I flipped my sister off. Rey went running into Mor's arms. 

"Don't worry Nesta," Cassian wrapped his arms around me, "she's just jealous because she's heard I'm far more talented in certain areas than my friend is."

I leaned into his touch as everyone watched us. Feyre laughed as Rhysand called bull on his statement. This was nice. Being a couple instead of just best friends with our friends. 

Mor squealed handing Rey off to her quiet boyfriend, "oh my god. Did you see that? Are you two?”

I smiled at her as she looked at Cassian, "yeah. You're a little late to the party guys."

Mor pulled me away from Cassian as she hugged me tightly, "I'm so glad you finally stopped pretending friends is all you'll ever be."

"Thanks Mor," I pulled away and Azriel nodded at me, smiling at Cassian. Everyone was happy for us. Rey kept talking to Azriel, telling him about the swings. My family was happy and whole. I couldn't believe how long it had taken to get here.

Cassian took my hand in his and pulled me towards the living room. Rey was still in Azriel’s arms and Mor followed watching us. She had a smile on her face as she turned on the stereo. Rey clapped her hands as Azriel set her down and then Cassian walked over and grabbed her little hands.  
 “May I have this dance my little lady?” He asked as he bowed for her. I shook my head, biting my lip as my daughter took his hand and they started to dance together. He put her feet on top of his and started to spin her around. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered my own father doing the same thing.

I wanted Rey to have those memories. I wanted her to have a father figure. But more than anything I wanted her to have Cassian.

"Aw!" Mor sat down beside me as the two continued to dance, Rey's giggles filled the room. I leaned into my friend and felt as if this was the moment I had worked so hard to achieve. Everything that has happened, between Tomas and Rey, it didn’t seem to matter. I had my family, I had Cassian and my friends.

Mor wrapped her arm around mine, "you seem happy," she said softly as Cassian spun Rey around.

"I am," I nodded as she looked at me, "I feel lighter. I feel like this is finally the life I want, the life I've been waiting for."

I knew it wouldn’t last, but Tomas and his threats had disappeared today. He was gone, so was my anxiety and my fear. For the last twenty four hours the only thing I could focus on was my best friend. I had worried about our feelings and now, now I could just see him. I let him into my heart and I felt as if nothing could touch me. Nothing could touch us.

Mor nudged my shoulder and smiled. I knew it would be gone, the moment Tomas popped back up. But for now I was going to enjoy the quiet, the happiness that I felt. Because I hadn’t felt it in a long time.

Rey squealed as Cassian picked her up and spun her around high up. I wiped away a tear that fell, "I know this is everything Cassian has always wanted. I met him before you had Rey and he always talked about you. I know he's never looked at anyone the way he looks at you."

I hugged her, "thanks Mor. For being such a great friend even when I'm not."

The song ended and Rey came running over into Mor's arms. The song changed and Cassian offered me his hand, "can I have this dance milady?"

Mor pushed me and Rey clapped as I took his hand. He pulled me close and kissed me softly in front of our friends as we danced slowly around the living room. I couldn’t stop smiling, my heart feeling light inside my chest as he placed his hand on my hip. His brown eyes were bright as he looked at me.

I shook my head, “where did you learn to dance like this?” 

He wiggled his eyebrows, “I am full of surprises, Nesta. If you ask nicely maybe I’ll show you some more.”

I laughed as he twirled both of us around. He was light on his feet, I had never seen him dance this way before. We had been friends for years and I realized I never went to a school function with him. Because he always had a date and I never wanted to watch him dance with her. He danced the way he did everything else, as if he had been born to do it.

"I love you," he whispered, smiling as he wrapped his arm tighter around my waist, "I will never tire of saying that."

I laughed, "I know I'm not perfect Cass. I'm hard and still have trouble believing in good. But I believe in you," I pressed my hand against his cheek, "I believe in us."

He kissed me quickly and then threw me out away from his body and spun me around. My laughter carried as Rey gasped and he dipped me down, catching me as the air rushed around my body. I smiled, winking at Rey as he pulled me back up and moved with the music. I couldn't stop laughing as he sang along to the old country song.

"You're so sappy," I was breathing heavily as the music changed and we sat down on the couch together.

"Ashian! Dance! Dance!" Rey pulled on his hand. She wanted another turn, she wanted him to twirl her around.

He picked her up, "Ashian needs a break," he took in a deep breath, "but I bet Azriel wants to dance."

She ran off to find her favorite quiet uncle and Cassian leaned back into me. I wrapped my arm around his and kissed his shoulder, "she loves you almost as much as me."

He laughed, "but not nearly as much as I love you," he kissed my cheek, "I promise you Nesta. I will do everything and anything I have to do to make you believe in good again."

Azriel came waltzing into the room with Rey on his feet. She was giggling as Mor laughed at her boyfriend, dancing with my daughter. I leaned into Cassian, surrounded by friends and more love than I ever thought was possible to have in this world.

"She's got them all wrapped around her finger," Mor said shaking her head as Azriel dipped her down and she giggled wildly. He kissed her cheek and she kissed his back, dancing together as another song started.

I looked at Mor, "she might just steal your man Mor. I'd watch her."

Mor snorted, "she can have him," Azriel looked up at his girlfriend, "he's danced with her more times than me."

Azriel rolled his eyes as he took Rey's finger and twirled her around and around. Cassian watched beside me, his hand on my thigh. We couldn't stop touching each other. I needed to know he was here with me. That this moment was real, that we were together.

"Thank you," I kissed his cheek, "for forcing me to make a decision."

He turned and pressed his lips to mine, "I was always afraid I'd push you into a decision and then you wouldn't choose me."

I shook my head, "it's you and me babe. Always you and me."

Feyre turned the music off, "dinner is ready guys."

She smiled at me and Cassian, Rhysand watching as we walked hand in hand towards the table. I sat down beside him, Mor and Azriel on the other side. Rhysand took the head and Feyre sat across from him. Rey climbed into the height chair beside Cassian. We were officially one big happy and dysfunctional family.

\---

I put Rey to bed easily that night. She was exhausted, Rhysand and Feyre had ran her out at the park. Cassian was waiting on the couch talking to Azriel. Everyone was there waiting for me. I saw the movie menu and I realized this was something we could do now. As a couple.

I sat back down beside Cassian, his arm already going around my shoulders. I smiled as he pressed a kiss to my cheek, everyone still watching us. It was like they were afraid this illusion would shatter and they would be left wondering which side to choose. Another reason I never wanted to break what Cassian and I already had.

But this felt right. This was everything I wanted and more.

"She's asleep?" Feyre asked as she snuggled into Rhysand's side.

I nodded, "yeah. You must have worn her out at the park. Thanks by the way, for taking her this afternoon.”

She flashed me a smile, "obviously not as much as Cassian wore you out here."

I stuck out my tongue at her off as everyone laughed. My cheeks tinted red as Cassian pulled me closer, "don't worry love, they're just jealous."

I buried my face in his chest as the movie started. I loved my little family, but I didn't want to watch a movie. I wanted to curl up in bed with Cassian and never leave. I wanted to repeat our activities of this afternoon until I was panting and seeing white.

I laid my hand on his thigh, drawing small circles around his jeans, "Nesta," his voice was soft. His eyes on the screen.

The room was dark, Feyre had turned off the lights. I smiled and took a chance. I climbed on his lap and pressed my lips to his before he could protest. I smiled as he kissed me, his hands holding onto waist. His fingers dug into my skin as he grabbed them hard. I moved my hips against his, swallowing his moan.

"If you two are going to keep doing that please get a room."

It was Mor's voice that brought me back to reality. I jumped slightly, Cassian's hand braced me before I fell backwards off his lap. He was smiling as he looked at our friend. All of them were staring again.

"Sorry," I blushed as Rhysand wiggled his eyebrows. I curled back into his side and turned my attention to the screen.

"Later," he whispered into my hair, "we have all the time in the world."

I smiled into his chest, realizing he was right. We had all the time in the world to make up for how stubborn we had been. I closed my eyes as his heartbeat sang me a lullaby, his arms keeping me warm and safe.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter alert. I will also apologize in advance. Major feels? maybe.
> 
> Idk but happy reading!

Once we started we couldn't seem to stop. Cassian and I snuck around during Rey's nap time and any other moment we could find alone. One morning I joined in him the shower before he ran off and spent the day at work. Another night Feyre went to Rhysand's house and we ignored the movie we rented after putting Rey to bed. He used every excuse he could find to brush his hands against my waist or push me up against the counter and silence me with a heart shattering kiss.

Cassian was like a drug. I couldn't stop craving more of him.

Feyre could see it whenever she was home. I was always smiling, thinking about when Cassian would get back. My days were brighter, my heart was lighter. There was a big change in the way I carried myself. Feyre made snide comments, but my sister was happy for us. I could tell she was happy to finally seem some inkling of the girl I used to be She kept saying it was about time we embraced our feelings for each other.

The entire group wanted to throw a party for us. I’m sure they would’ve if they weren’t afraid we would end up sleeping together in front of them.

The last night Cassian had been here, which was the night before, I had been doing laundry. He pretty much lived here now that we were officially a thing. He never wanted to go home and I didn’t want him to leave either. We took a moment to do our adult things. I went to do laundry and Cassian tried to wrangle Rey into bed.

I was standing in the basement, the quiet surrounding me. He snuck up behind me and pressed his lips to my shoulder making me squeal. Still I melted into him.

"Look at you, Nesta. My dotting housewife," he whispered softly as his hand moved down my side and then braced themselves on my hips. I closed my eyes and my head fell onto his shoulder.

I shivered as his hand slid across my stomach, "I'm not going to take offense to that," I sighed as he pressed kisses against my neck. My mouth fell open as he kept touching me.

"Fold the clothes fast," his breath was hot in my ear, "I just put the little one to bed."

There was nothing sexier than those words that just left his mouth. I smiled as I turned around in his arms and kissed him. He pushed me up against the washer, the clothes forgotten as he picked me up by my thighs. I wrapped my legs around his waist as I moaned into his mouth.

"Damn. You two could give Rhysand and me a run for our money."

Cassian pulled away when I jumped at Feyre's voice. She had a basket of laundry in her arms and a smug expression on her face. Slowly Cassian lowered me back to the ground, his hands still on my waist. My cheeks burned red from being caught, but all Cassian did was laugh. He was used to Feyre walking in on us. He was used to everyone making jokes at our expense.

"Yes well I know for a fact Rhysand is not as gifted in certain areas as I am," I couldn't help but laugh as Feyre rolled her eyes.

She stepped around us, "I'm sure my sister flatters you and your stamina Cassian. I on the other hand don't have to."

She tapped his shoulder as he thrust his lower lip out and looked at me. I grabbed it with my teeth before kissing him, "I love you and your stamina Cass."

It was those little moments we stole together that made me wonder why I had been so scared to let him into my heart as completely as I finally had. Because these were the moments that were making life easier.

Slowly I forgot about the fair and Tomas. I forgot about his threats whenever Cassian was around. He chased the bad days and kept them away.

I missed him more now whenever he wasn't around.

This morning Cassian left a note telling me he had a surprise for me later tonight when he was done with work. I knew he wanted to take me out on an actual date, but having a two year old made that hard. I didn't know much about said surprise all I knew was that Mor and Feyre were going to babysit with Azriel and Rhysand. Apparently Cassian blackmailed them all into taking Rey for the night.

Which meant he planned on taking me somewhere where we wouldn't have to sneak around. I was actually looking forward to it. 

But the plans all changed that afternoon. I was changing Rey out of her paint splattered clothes. Apparently her and her aunt thought it would be fun to paint a wall in the basement. She came toddling to me covered in red paint that was still wet. I even had to wash it out of her hair.

I finished changing her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. They were slightly red, I thought it was from running around. But my lips were warm from her skin. My heart fell when I felt Rey's forehead and she was burning up.

"Fey!" I called for my sister as I took off her clothes back off. She was hot, she was sweating already.

Feyre poked her head in my room, "what's up?"

"Do we still have a thermometer? She's really hot," I picked up my fussy baby. She nestled into my chest. She always wanted me when she didn't feel good. 

Feyre left and then reappeared with the thermometer. She handed it to me as she pushed Rey's hair out of her face, "she does feel warm. Maybe it's her teeth?"

I shook my head, "she wouldn't eat anything for lunch. I just thought she wasn't hungry and wanted to paint with you some more. But she doesn't look good. Maybe I should take her to the doctor."

Feyre nodded, "I can drive."

I pulled out my phone and dialed Cassian's number. I tried to hold back tears as I wrapped a blanket around Rey. She whined as she curled into me.

"Hey it's me. I um. I’m taking Rey to the doctors I think she might be sick. She has a fever. Anyways don't worry, I just wanted to call you. I find myself wanting to call you a lot more about these things now," I laughed as I held onto her tighter, "okay. Well I'll see you after work."

I hung up and then followed my sister to the car. I held Rey close, her little body was really warm. I knew it was selfish but I wanted Cassian to call me back. I started depending on him more after I finally opened my heart.

Feyre drove to the doctors office. I sat in the back not bothering to strap Rey into her car seat. She was fussy as I held her, tears filled her eyes. I knew she didn't feel good. She didn't cry when something wasn't wrong.

"It's okay sweetheart," I pushed her hair off her forehead. The mark from her stitches was angry and red. My fingers brushed against the edges and she winced. It wasn't her teeth.

“Shit. I just got called into work. I’ll call them and tell them I can’t come in right away. I should stay with you guys,” Feyre swore as she turned down the street towards the office.

I shook my head, “no it’s okay Fey, thanks for driving us. We’ll be okay, I don’t know how long this will take anyways. Go to work, I’ll call Mor or Rhys for a ride.”

Feyre didn't even park, she pulled up to the door and stopped, “I’m sorry."

I kissed her cheek, “I’m fine. We’re fine,” I squeezed her shoulder before I got out and walked into the office. Rey laid her head on my shoulder and pressed her warm forehead against my neck. I walked to the desk.

"Hi I need to see a doctor," the nurse looked bored, "my daughter has a fever and she got stitches a few days ago. They look bad."

The nurse took my name and then told me to take a seat. I sighed, turning and finding an empty spot by the door. I closed my eyes and tried to rock Rey as she cried softly in my arms. 

"It'll be okay," I whispered softly, "I'll fix this. Mama always fixes you, right sweetheart?”

I told Feyre we would be fine, because we always were. It was me and Rey against the world, ever since I held her the day she was born. I fell in love with my daughter that day, not in the nine months I carried her. Because she had been this scary thing that happened. She had been a reminder of the pain and yet the moment she opened her eyes and they matched mine, I knew I could never love her enough to make up for how scared I had been of her. I knew I would spend my life trying to make up for the decisions I weighed after finding out I was pregnant with her.

She was my daughter, and we would always be fine. Because it was my responsibility to take care of her. She was mine and there was no one else who would ever love me as much as this little girl. And there was no one else I would love as much either.

So we would be fine. But sometimes I wished there was someone to share my burdens. Someone who would be there in moments like this, when my baby was crying and I was helpless to ease her pain. I wanted someone who would sit beside me and hold her. Someone who knew that being a parent was a full time job.

I pushed her hair off her forehead and felt the heat hit the tips of my fingers. I kept rocking her as he little sobs escaped. Her eyes were closed, but she was awake. I wondered if she felt sick, if she knew something was really wrong with her. I closed my eyes hoping she would fall asleep so she wouldn’t feel sick anymore.

"Nesta!" My heart almost stopped in my chest when I heard his deep voice. I opened my eyes as Cassian came flying into the doctors office. The door hit the wall hard with the force he used to swing it open.

"Cassian," I whispered his name softly, "what are you doing here?"

He looked panicked. His hair was sticking up and his jacket jacket was sitting on his shoulders awkwardly. He walked to me and hugged me, Rey between us.

"You called me and said something was wrong. I just left, Rhysand said it was okay. I was worried," he looked down at Rey who had also opened her eyes again. She seemed to calm down slightly now that Cassian was here, "what happened?"

I shook my head as I shifted her weight, "she's fussy. She won't eat anything and she's burning up. Feyre thinks it might be her teeth, but her stitches look angry."

“Where is Feyre?” he asked quietly looking around.

I sighed, “she drove us here but got called into work. I told her to go, that we would be fine,” the weight of it all hit me. He was here to take some of the burden. He was my partner, “but I’m really glad you’re here.”

Cassian's hand pulled away from my cheek as he took Rey and held her for me. She buried her face in his broad chest and I knew even if she didn't feel better, she felt like she was home. Cassian had the same effect on me.

"Thanks," I whispered as I sat back down, "for coming."

"You're my girl," he kissed my cheek as Rey started to fall asleep, "I'll always come when you call."

I blushed, "it's probably nothing. You probably left work for nothing. But I'm really glad you're here," I leaned my head on his shoulder. It was nice having someone else to share this responsibility with. Someone who wasn't my sister or just my friend.

Cassian brushed his lips against the corner of my mouth, "I'm glad you called me."

"Ashian," Rey's little voiced called for him as she looked up at him through her hair, "no feel good."

He tapped her nose, "no? What hurts?"

She tapped her head, then her belly. I kissed her forehead, brushing her hair away from her face, "don't worry Rey. The doctor will make you feel better."

"You," she wiggled her arms out of the blanket and reached for him. She put her hand on his chest, realizing she was already in his arms. I smiled, her fussiness seemed to disappear as Cassian held her in his arms.

"I'm starting to think she likes you more than me," I kissed his cheek as he leaned back against the chair.

Cassian laughed, "it's okay. Everyone always does."

I rolled my eyes as the nurse called us back, “gee thanks Cass. Glad to have you beside me in a moment of need.”

He laughed, it caused the tension to lift off my chest. He held Rey against him, letting his other arm pull me close to his side. He pressed a soft sweet kiss against my cheek. I couldn’t help but smile as I leaned in and pressed my own kiss against the corner of his lip. This was what I wanted, what I had been dreaming about.

A family. But not just any family; a family with Cassian.

We spent over an hour at the doctor’s office. After a few tests the doctors concluded that Rey didn’t have the flu. Instead she had gotten an infection in the wound from her stitches. The doctor wasn’t sure if he should take them out or just put the antibiotic over it all together. He called the ER and talked to the doctor who gave her the stitches while we waited.

I was more than grateful Cassian was there then. He kept Rey in his arms as we waited, her little eyes closing from exhaustion. She had missed her nap and I knew if we didn’t get her home soon she would just fall asleep here.

“Okay, so we’ve decided to leave the stitches in for the time being. Since it’s only been a few days since they were given we want the wound to heal properly with them. Now I’m going to give you a prescription for a lotion. Put it on her forehead twice a day until the swelling goes down. Her fever should break by tomorrow morning since we applied some here today.”

I stood up, “thank you. So she should start feeling better tomorrow?”

The doctor nodded, “yes. She should feel better as soon as she gets some sleep. She looks about ready to fall asleep there in your husband’s arms,” I blushed as Cassian gave a laugh.

“Thank you Dr. Kair. Let’s get her home,” Cassian stood up and cradled her against his chest. 

Since Feyre went to work after dropping us off Cassian sat Rey on my lap as we climbed into his truck. We weren’t far from the doctor’s, so I held her close as her little eyelids fluttered. She was exhausted, she was still warm. My poor baby had been through so much. I sighed, pressing a kiss against her warm skin.

“Mama,” she whispered as her hand hit my shoulder.

“I’m here sweetheart,” I smiled as she buried her face in my best. Cassian started the truck and then drove slowly towards my house. 

He cleared his throat, breaking the silence that had settled between us. I looked over at him, his eyes glancing towards us before finding the road again. He looked nervous, his cheeks slightly red. There was something weighing on his mind. I could see it as he tried to find a way to ask me whatever it was.

“Cass, what’s wrong?” my voice was soft, Rey had fallen asleep.

“Do you ever wonder why everyone assumes she’s mine?” he asked quietly as he came to a stop out front of the house. He pulled up to the curb and looked at us, “I mean, I love you both don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that they assume she’s mine. But everyone just, they never questioned it.”

I shrugged, “maybe because we’ve always been close. Maybe because everyone else could see how much we liked each other before either of us finally broke.”

He smiled and reached out his hand. He ran his fingers down my arm slowly. He let the tips of them graze Rey’s skin before he pulled away. Then brought his brown eyes back up to mine. 

He looked even more nervous as he bit his lip, “is that something you could possibly see happening, Nes? You and me and Rey, a family? Because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for either of you. Nothing I wouldn’t give to have that girl be officially mine.”

My heart stopped, tears filled my eyes as they got wider. I couldn’t tare my eyes off of his, “as in adoption?”

He shrugged trying to play off his nerves, “whatever you would want to do, Nesta. She’s your daughter, through and through she’ll always be yours. But I want her to know that in a way she’s mine too.”

I smiled as I leaned forward, kissing his lips softly, “I don’t know how we both got so lucky to have someone like you love us,” he brushed away a tear, “but I’ll thank god everyday for keeping you close when I was so hard to love.”

Cassian’s answering smile was enough to tell me this was everything he wanted and more. In a way his questions, the ease in which he accepted my answers, eased all the fears I had about him walking away. 

He opened his door and then came around to my side. I pushed the door open for him. He took Rey out of my arms and carried her into the house with ease. I followed, letting out a sigh as I watched him carry my daughter. There was nothing more attractive than a man who loved your daughter.  

Cassian settled into the couch holding Rey. He laid her down with her head resting on his lap. I smiled slihgtly as he started to run his fingers through her hair, over her scalp gently the way he used to do with mine. I pressed a kiss to his forehead, "can you watch her while I get the prescription? I want her to rest."

He nodded, "yeah. I'll stay here."

I grabbed my phone, "okay. I have my phone, it shouldn't take long. Just call me if you need something."

He nodded and then I walked out the door. I slid into the truck and started for the pharmacy. The doctor only gave us a little bit of the medicine to hold her over until I got the prescription. I sighed as I found a spot to park and then walked in.

"Nesta."

I shivered as I heard Tara's voice. She smiled as I glanced in her direction, "hi."

Her smile fell when she realized I didn't want to talk to her, "so I heard my brother uh. Hasn't been the nicest since he's been home. I'm sorry Nesta. I, I don't know why he's like that with you."

I took in a breath. I felt stronger now that I was with Cassian. I didn’t feel as intimidated by the girl as I had at the diner all those weeks ago. I wouldn’t let him win. I wouldn’t let Tomas ruin my entire life, I was done with him and everything he did to me. I was moving on, I was finally breaking free.

I was happy with Cassian.

I looked at her and stood up straighter, "I do. Because he's angry I never gave into the charm he uses on everyone else. He hates that I hate him, so he'll do whatever he can to break me," I looked at her hard and imagined Tomas standing there instead, "but you can tell him that he'll never break me. Because I am stronger than his hate."

She nodded, "for what it's worth I wish things could be different between us."

I shrugged, "it's not your fault you were gifted an asshole for a brother."

She laughed, "no. I guess it's not. I uh, should go. But I hope you know my family is trying to make him abide by the restraining order. We are on your side. My parents too, especially since I told them you have a daughter.”

I nodded even though my heart fell into my gut. Did her parents do the math? Did she tell them she thought Rey looked like Tomas? I let out a slow breath and forced the panic down so it wouldn’t show on my face, "thank you."

She walked past me and I headed for the counter. I gave the pharmacist the prescription and then stood beside the wall to wait. They said no more than five minutes. I pulled my phone out to text Cassian. 

I looked at my phone screen and stopped. The wallpaper was a picture of me and Rey, Cassian standing behind us. I didn't even remember when it had been taken. But I knew this wasn't my phone. I smiled slightly, I was looking at Rey and she was giggling. She was barely a year old in this picture, it was old. I had my hair cut in that awful bob. Still Cassian was staring at both of us. He had that big goofy grin on his face. The grin he wore whenever he saw me enter a room.

You could tell how a woman felt by the way her eyes lit up whenever she talked about her passion, her love. You could tell how a man felt by the way he smiled as the woman he loved entered a room. Cassian looked at me with fire in his eyes, his smile lighting up the dark I had been trapped in.

He really did want this. He wanted us. He wasn't kidding when he asked me about making us a family. It made me smile, that warmth spreading inside my body. He was choosing me, he was choosing my daughter. Somehow I had gotten lucky.

The screen went dark as I imagined a family with my best friend. More little ones with dark hair and dark eyes to match their fathers. I imagined a little boy, the spitting image of his father, toddling around and calling out for daddy. We could have it all. We could be happy.

I wiped away a tear. Two years ago I had been falling apart, imagining a future with a child who I didn't want. A child that would not only sidetrack my life, but was a product of a night I never wanted to remember. And now here I was, with a daughter I would never ever trade for the world. And falling even more in love with my best friend.

I guess time really does change everything. 

The phone vibrated in my hand. I assumed it was Cassian texting me with my phone. The screen lit up: hey Cass. We still on for our date?

My stomach fell. I had to have read it wrong. I looked at the message again. A girl’s name was at the top of the message. Tears filled my eyes as I heard my name called out. I couldn't move, my legs were frozen. Cassian had promised me this was what he wanted. So why was another girl texting him?

Why was he making date plans with someone else?

I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like the world had just reverted back to the way it had been before. One moment I was imaging our future and now I couldn't see past the name Ella. I walked to the counter and grabbed the bag.

The phone vibrated again and a picture appeared this time. I stopped in the middle of the aisle and almost got sick once more. She was sending him pictures. Of herself. Topless. 

Was I not giving him what he wanted? Was I not enough? There were so many questions that came flooding into my head, so many things I realized that were wrong. Maybe I had been a game, the biggest chase he had to conquer.

And now that he conquered me he was done?

I locked his phone and opened the door to the truck. I let out a breath, wondering how I could ask him what this meant. The old Nesta would've gotten angry and screamed at him. But I wasn't that girl anymore. Tomas had smothered her. No I was a new version of that girl.

And I wouldn't throw a fit. But I would be damned if I let anyone, even my best friend, screw around with my heart.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a little angst don't you? Maybe a little fighting?   
> Because after every good fight they always have to make up =)

I barely even remembered the drive back to the house. My mind kept going back to that message, the picture. I couldn’t stop seeing it, the name Ella right about it. Then more tears would fill my eyes and I'd try to pull myself together. I waited in the car for a few seconds before I got out. I opened the front door and Cassian smiled his greeting at me.

I didn't offer one back. I set my things on the counter and let out a breath. I counted to five in my head, my blood roaring in my ears. I didn’t know what to say, I didn't know how to approach what had just happened. I was angry and upset, I had every right to be. But I was still afraid to voice it. I was still afraid of letting myself be the Nesta I was before.

I turned around and looked at him. Rey was fast asleep on his lap, his hands still running through her hair. As I looked at him with my daughter I snapped. I wanted to protect myself, but I had to protect her first. I walked over to them and picked Rey up off his lap. Without saying a word I took her and walked her into my room and laid her down in her bed. I pulled the covers up to her shoulder and smoothed down her hair. I closed the bedroom door so she wouldn't wake up. Cassian was standing in front of the counter, waiting for me as I walked back into the kitchen.

I crossed my arms and tried to prepare my heart for yet another break. I knew no matter what this one wouldn’t be clean, "I think that you should go."

His face fell, "wait what? Nesta."

I shook my head and threw his phone on the counter beside him. He jumped slightly at the clunk it made falling down on the granite. He didn’t look at it, instead he kept his eyes one me.

I sighed steeling my gaze. I wouldn’t back down. I was done being afraid of myself, of my emotions, "I took your phone by accident. Someone named Ella wants to know if your date is still on. So you should go. Get ready for it."

His eyes went wide in surprise, not guilt. But that didn’t stop the voice inside my head. The voice that told me one day Cassian would tire of me. One day he would walk away and I would never be the same again. The voice that sounded a lot like Tomas.

Cassian shook his head, "Nesta. I'm not seeing her. She won't leave me alone."

I nodded, "right. I mean you got what you wanted out of me. I gave in, I was your biggest chase. So now go look for another."

Tears filled my eyes and Cassian stayed standing there. He walked forward and grabbed my arms. He pulled me into his chest, I fought him but he didn't care. He held me tightly even as I pushed against his chest. I struggled against his arms, but he won that war. He pressed my face into his chest as I fell apart. I heard Tomas's voice telling me no one would ever want me. I felt his hands violate me, telling me I was damaged goods now.

I closed my eyes and I was thrown so far back into my insecurities and my doubts I couldn't find my way out. Cassian wasn't the light at the end of the tunnel this time. He wasn't the one who would pull me out. This time my pain had been caused by the one person who had always promised to protect me.

He ran his hands up my arms. I stepped away from him. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything but fear. My hands were shaking, Tomas and his words rolling around in my head over and over again. Gods I hated him for changing me. I hated him. But I hated myself even more for believing him.

Cassian let out a slow breath. He was fighting back tears as he let me pull away from him. I took a step back, the air filling my lungs. My breathing wasn’t normal, I was fighting off the panic that filled my body. His hands flinched as if he wanted to reach for me again. But he could see I needed space.

"I love you Nesta, I told you that. Ella, she's been obsessed with me ever since she started. She calls meetings at work our dates. She's shown up at my house and I've had to call the cops to remove her. She is no one, nothing to me, Nes. You have to believe me."

I looked up at him, "Cassian. She sent you pictures."

His jaw went tight, "okay. I'm sorry Nesta. I'm so sorry you saw that. It's not what you think. Please. Ask Rhysand. Or Mor. I've complained enough about her."

I tried to look at him but it hurt. Everything hurt, the same way it had two years ago when my life fell apart. The only thing that had put me back together again was my best friend. And now he was the one tearing me apart.

"Did you mean any of it?" I whispered softly as he stood there pleading for me to listen. His eyes were wide and there were more tears lining the bottom of them, "did you really wants us to be a family? To adopt Rey? Or was this all just a big game to you?"

"Nesta no this was never a game, you have to believe me. I meant every word I've ever said to you. I love you, I love Rey. I want to be a family, gods I want to wake up every morning and turn over and find you beside me in the mornings. Ella is nothing, no one. She's someone who is obsessed with chasing someone she can't have."

I swallowed more tears. For a moment I believed him. His voice broke and his hands reached for me. But when my eyes found his I didn't see Cassian, I didn't see my best friend. I saw Tomas telling me he would never hurt me again. I heard the voice of the man who told me I was nothing more than his whore, no one else would ever love me the way he would.

I saw the man who had used and abused me for months standing there. I was determined to protect myself this time. I was determined to protect my daughter no matter what the cost. I shook my head slowly, "I want to believe you. But I just. I believed the last person who lied to me too. I trusted him too. I can't. I have to protect myself this time."

Cassian stepped back. His tears gave away to anger. The change happened so fast I almost forgot he had been upset, "so you're comparing me to Tomas now? Wow, I'm flattered."

My heart stopped, "well he lied to me too. Not that it ever hurt this badly. You have to see how this looks, Cass. You have to know I'm protecting myself and my daughter."

"I thought we trusted each other," he shook his head, both our emotions tangled up with the confusion we were suddenly feeling, "but I guess I was wrong. I guess," he sighed, "I guess I don't know who you are anymore. I didn’t know you were this cold.”

“I’m not cold, I’m putting myself first,” my jaw was tight, but my heart was begging me to forgive him, to let his words wash over me and be the truth. Something stopped me though, be it fear or stubbornness. I was afraid of letting myself give into Cassian completely. I was afraid of letting someone hold my heart in their hands again.

I was afraid of falling in love with someone like Tomas.

“I would never do any of the things that monster thought of doing to you,” Cassian’s voice was hard, “I thought you knew that. I thought. Never mind,” he ran his hands down his face and his tears were all gone now, “it doesn't matter what I say. You made up your mind. Just like you always do.”

My mouth went dry. He wasn't fighting for me. He wasn’t fighting for us. That scared me more than the messages I found on his phone.

"Cassian," I stepped forward, reaching for him this time. We had been through so much and yet I knew this was the worst thing to have happened. At one of the worst times too. I should've believed him.

But I let Tomas win, by embracing my fears, my doubts. I let him change me once more and so I pushed away the only man who had ever been worthy of my love. The only person who had stood beside me through it all.

He shook his head. He held up his hands and then ran one through his hair. He heaved a loud sigh, his eyes going over my shoulder towards the closed door. When he looked at me again the spark was gone.

My Cassian was gone. Replaced by the man I had just hurt. The man I had pushed away. In front of me stood a stranger, "maybe I should leave. Tell Rey I'll come back later. She asked if I would stay tonight too. I told her I would, but now. Now I don't know what to feel."

I didn't move to stop him. I let him walk out of the house. I let him leave and my poor heart broke completely as I realized how big of a mistake I had just made. Because I didn't just lose Cassian, I lost part of my soul as he closed the door and walked away from us.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun story time. So yesterday I lost my entire document of this story. EVERYTHING as in my future chapters I had written and all pretty are gone. So I have to rewrite. which means updates will be slower. I'm more than upset about it.

Feyre found me sitting on the couch hours later. The tears wouldn't come, but I just sat there staring at the wall. The house was quiet, Rey was asleep. I couldn’t even will myself to go check up on her. The sun had set hours ago, she stopped talking the moment she came in through the door. She sat down beside me and the damn broke. The sobs came barreling out as I held her hands and told her what happened.

As I replayed the story I heard how foolish I sounded. I didn't even think to take his word for it I just assumed he was to blame, that there wasn’t even a reasonable explanation. I held my sister’s hand and tried to fight to believe in us the way I had before. But I was so tired of fighting. I was so tired of trying to find the girl I had once been.

Feyre and I talked for so long that we fell asleep on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night to Rey crying. My cheeks were stained with tears and I was still laying on Feyre's shoulder. I was groggy but I woke up once I heard Rey calling out for me. I stood up, untangling myself from her. I went to check on my baby and she was sitting in my bed.

I crawled in beside her and we both fell back asleep.

Yesterday had been exhausting. It felt like it lasted longer than any other day of my life. Between Rey being sick, running into Tara, and then those messages I needed a break. But I didn't get a break. I was still a mother and between Rey and work I couldn't just stand around doing nothing. So now I found myself at the cafe staring at the empty tables. Sorrel was in the back doing paperwork.

I was left to my own devices. The cafe was painfully slow this afternoon. I was wiping down a few glasses as I tried to will my mind off of my best friend. Thankfully Feyre had offered to watch Rey for me. Ever since Tomas came in I didn't want to bring her back. Feyre said she called out of work since she felt sick and told me all she wanted was to snuggle with Rey today. So I left her at home. 

My mind kept drifting back to Cassian, since my hands had nothing to do. I wanted to call him. I wanted to tell him I believed him, to beg him to talk to me and tell me everything. But I knew I had hurt him just as badly as those messages had hurt me. All because I chose to believe a lie instead of my best friends truth.

I wiped down the counter as I tried to stop the flood of emotions, the fire of guilt and anger that played inside my stomach. I bit my lip hard so the tears wouldn't fall. I heard the bell chime as a customer walked in. I turned to wipe away a silent tear before I walked to the register.

"What can I get you," I stopped when I saw Azriel standing there. He smiled, a small smile but it was there. He had his hands in his pockets, looking a little nervous to be here on his own.

He was dressed in all black, like he always was. He wore so much black it looked like he was being followed by shadows. His hair, slightly longer than Cassian's was tied back away from his face. It was strange, seeing him here without Mor. He never came to visit me unless his girlfriend brought him. To be honest we had never really been friends. More like friends by association.

"Az," I tried to force a smile, "what are you doing here? Did Mor send you for her daily caffeine?"

He shook his head and sat down at the counter, "no she didn't send me. I went by the house, Rhys told me what happened. I um. I thought I'd come see how you were doing."

Now I did smile, "I'm fine," I stood up straighter, "let me get you some tea."

The soft spoken male hated coffee. He always scrunched his nose at his girlfriend as she inhaled her daily coffee. So I brought him a mug and pour water over his favorite ear; grey tea. He reached out with his scarred hands, wrapping them around the mug. He nodded his thanks as I set the pitcher of water back on the hot plate.

Azriel had always been quiet, reserved. How he ended up with someone as beautiful and eccentric as Mor was always a mystery to me. She was so carefree, so in tune with her loud side that they seemed like polar opposites. But I had never seen anyone as in love as the two of them. Mor was lucky, because Azriel truly did believe she put the stars in his sky.

I watched as he took a sip, slow at first. Then he looked back up at me, "Nesta."

I held up my hand, "if you're going to try and defend him just stop okay? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about us."

The corner of his mouth twitched and he nodded his understanding, "fair enough. So how is Rey?"

"She has an infection but she's going to be fine. Feyre though, she didn't seem too good this morning. You said Rhys was there?" I leaned against the counter trying not to stare at his hands. They were a sore subject for him.

He nodded, "yeah. He said him and Feyre needed to talk about something. I don't know Rey was watching a movie. She seemed tired, but she hugged me anyways. Then I came to find you."

"Rey loves all the men in her life," I reached out and touched his hand, "thank you. For being in his life."

He dipped his head and then squeezed my fingers, "for what it's worth, she means nothing Nesta. Ever since I met you I've known. That boy has only ever had eyes for you. Hell its no wonder everyone believes Rey is his. Because we know you two are supposed to be together.”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” I whispered as I tried to pull my hand away. Tears gathered again as I thought of my best friend sitting at home, upset about what I said. About how easy it was for me to believe him to be a liar, a cheater. To compare him to someone like Tomas.

“He’s my brother, Nesta. It’s hard for me to sit here and know you’re both upset. You’re so good together. You both deserve to be happy and you’re happy together. I wouldn’t be able to walk out that door without trying to talk to you about what happened.”

I bit my cheek. I looked down at our hands and felt a pull at my heart, "maybe we aren't supposed to be together. Maybe I'm not meant to fall for anyone at all. Did you ever wonder why things seem to mess up when we're together? Because I'm not meant to be happy. Tomas made sure of that."

Azriel grabbed my hand tightly before I could pull it away, "no. I was there, I watched you battle with your decision while you were pregnant. I watched you lean on Cassian, on Feyre. You're stronger than him, you've always been. You feel deeper than us, Nesta, it's why you try so hard to keep yourself closed off. Because once you give yourself over, once you finally let someone in, the loyalty that is there is made of steel. So is the love. Tomas can never change that, no matter how hard he tries. He just scared you. He made you afraid to believe in that kind of love again.”

He stopped and then squeezed my fingers, “Cassian wants you to believe again. When I look at the two of you I know you start to. I know you love him, but you aren’t ready to let go of that scared girl completely. Because you want to protect yourself, to guard yourself from pain like Tomas caused you. But Cassian would never let that happen again. He is your warrior, Nesta. You and Rey have the best man there is. Well besides me.”

Tears filled my eyes as I laughed at his words. I had never really heard him joke before. I nodded slowly, he was right. I felt it every time Cassian touched me, every time he kissed me. I felt the thread that pulsed between us, the need for my walls to fall down completely. I knew if I let him have my heart, every last broken piece, I would be giving him the power to break me.

So I picked the first moment, the first little crack in our otherwise happy relationship. And I let it fall apart. I let it splinter until it broke us, until it changed who I was. I was so afraid to let anyone in because of Tomas. I was still so ashamed, so on edge because of him.

Even my best friend wasn't given a chance.

"I fucked up Az," a tear slipped down my cheek, "I should've listened to him. I shouldn't have shut down. But. Those pictures and Tomas's voice. It was too much."

"He knows. Cassian knows this is hard for you."

I shook my head, "but I compared him to that monster. I told him he was as bad as Tomas. If he doesn't forgive me I won't blame him. He is too good, too pure to ever breathe the same air as Tomas."

Azriel laughed, "he will forgive you. Because that's how love works. Anger brings regretful words, harsh reactions. But love. Love is the ability to forgive even the worst of a persons character."

I smiled at him, "it scares me, how fast I've fallen in love with him."

Azriel let go of my hand, "maybe you haven't just fallen in love with him. Maybe you're just finally opening up your heart and seeing what's been standing right in front of you. Trust yourself Nesta. Because when you do, you always make the best decisions. I mean, look at your beautiful daughter."

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I knew Azriel was right. I felt more, feared more. It was why I had built my walls up so high, giving them barbed wire after the years I spent with Tomas ended. I closed myself off to keep myself safe. Tomas had only intensified that need after what happened. He had rattled me, brought me to the edge of it all and threatened to push me off. 

I took in a deep breath, "thank you."

He nodded, finishing his tea, "I know you don't consider us friends, but I do."

"We are friends Az. My daughter loves you like an uncle, you're more like family to me," I smiled at him, thinking about how much Rey loved dancing on his feet. She giggled whenever he tickled her with his hair, "family sticks together."

He nodded his head, "yes we do."

The phone on the cafe wall rang and sorrel let out a sigh, "Nesta can you get that?"

I forgot she was in the back and almost jumped out of my skin. I'm sure she had heard our entire conversation but it didn't matter. Azriel had helped me understand myself. He helped me understand my fears, while justified, needed to be faced.

I picked up the phone, "hello?"

"Nesta. Nes, my bestest frand," the voice on the other end was deep. The words were slurred but I could make them out.

"Cassian?" I turned around and looked at Azriel. He raised an eyebrow at me as I tried to hear over the music playing in the background. It was hard because he was holding the phone away from his mouth.

He laughed, "tis me. You're bestest frand. I," he hiccuped loudly into my ear, "but I need you."

I heard someone yell out in the back. Cassian's voice fell off and I heard the phone being passed around. There were muffled words and the sound of it sliding against fabric. I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was barely five. I sighed, "Cassian! Cass."

I said his name loudly. But he didn't answer me. Someone else did, "hello? Is this Nesta?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

My heart stopped. If she said her name was Ella I was done. I heard Cassian laughing, singing loudly in the background, "it's Raven. Look I'm not one to call the sheriff, but Cassian needs to go. I cut him off an hour ago and yet he hasn't left. He told me he's mending a broken heart. I told him to find a ride home."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, "alright I'll be right there. Just. Don't let him get into a fight."

She laughed, "he just wants to sing. And drink everything in sight."

"I'm on my way, tell him to behave," I hung up the phone and turned to find Azriel gone. He left the money for his tea on the counter. I shook my head and pocketed it. I'd have to give it back. He didn't have to pay.

I pushed the door to the kitchen and walked to sorrel's office. She didn't even glance up at me as I sighed. She waved her hand, "I heard, someone needs something. Just go it'll be fine. We're slow and ida comes in soon to replace you."

"Thanks. I'm sorry."

"It's fine Nesta."

I walked to my car and drove to the only bar we had in town. It was small and boring. When we were younger we hated it. But now it was just the bar everyone went to. This was new, Cassian getting drunk in the middle of the day. I knew why, I knew this was my fault.

I threw open my door and walked in. The music was even louder than it had been over the phone. The place was pretty crowded, people were watching the stage. I scanned the room for Cassian and then stopped. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw him standing on the stage. With a microphone in his hand. Singing bad karaoke with a beer in his hand and a cowboy hat on his head.

I pushed my way through the crowd and glared at a few of the girls who were making eyes at him. The urge to hit them flooded through me, but I pushed it down. I also wanted to throw my arms around him and make sure they knew he wasn’t alone. But then again, we had just fought, maybe that’s why he came here. To get over me. 

No he called me. When he was being thrown out and threatened with the drunk tank he had called me to save him. Maybe we weren’t a lost cause. Maybe he knew no matter what we would always have each other’s back. Just like when he showed up at the hospital for Rey when he was angry at me. We would always come when the other was in need.

Once I got to the front I rolled my eyes and called his name, "Cassian. Get your ass down here."

He stopped signing, his drunk, bloodshot eyes found me. He glared, as if he had forgotten he called me, "you shouldn't be here. No you don't believe me. Go away Nesta” he held the microphone to his lips, “this is my fight song."

I watched as he downed another beer and sang along to the rest of the song. I waited until someone else wanted a turn and he finally jumped off the stage. I grabbed his arm and helped him stay upright as he swayed in his drunken state. He laughed as I touched his chest. He looked at me like he had forgotten I was here. All the anger he had when I first arrived left his eyes.

"Nesta, my Nesta," he pulled me in and I almost gagged. He reeked of alcohol, beer and stale smoke. I shook my head as he pressed a sloppy kiss to my cheek.

"You've been cut off, where'd you get that beer?"

He laughed, "my friends bought it for me," he held his hand up in a fist as a few people around us cheered for him, "Nesta why'd you come. You don't love me anymore."

I sighed, "I never said that. And I came because you called me. Now come on I'm taking you home."

"Your home?" He asked as I took the glass from him and set it down. I shook my head, I couldn't take him to my house because Rey was there. I didn't want her to see him like this. I didn't want her to know how bad this had gotten between us. Cassian was her favorite, I didn't want to shatter the image she had of him.

"No, Rey can't see you like this," I said as I pushed the doors open and somehow managed to support his weight as I made it to the car. He fell into the passenger seat, not gracefully, and then I closed the door. When I got into the driver's seat his hand found my thigh.

He leaned over, "I love you," he slurred, his hand warm against my jeans, "Ella, she's nothing. You. You're mine."

I looked over and his eyes were closed, "I know Cass."

His fingers moved slowly across the fabric of my jeans. He blew out a breath, “then why were you such a bitch?" 

The moment the words left his mouth my entire body went cold. Because those were the words Tomas always threw at me. Those were the exact words he used to hurt me over and over again. He called me a bitch, a whore, everything that could and would hurt he threw at me. 

I couldn't handle it if Cassian started that too. I gripped the wheel tighter as I drove towards his house, "Cassian. Let's both refrain from saying things we'll regret tomorrow."

His eyes were closed and I thought he had fallen asleep. I wasn't even sure he had heard me. My heart hurt, it pounded in my chest. I tried to stop over thinking this, I tried to let the words wash over me and mean nothing. He was drunk, he was saying things to hurt me the same way we had the day before. I wouldn’t let this stop us from making up. I pulled into his driveway and shook him awake.

"Home," he muttered as I helped him out of the passenger side. I fished his keys out of his pocket, finding three random napkins with phone numbers on them. I looked up at him and he shook his head, "not mine."

"Right," I rolled my eyes and unlocked the door, "you need to sleep this off and shower."

The door clicked shut behind me and I waited for him to tell me what he wanted to do first. I turned around when he stayed silent, but before I could repeat myself his hand grabbed my wrist and he pulled me into his chest. His big hand came to cup my cheek and then his lips met mine.

He tasted like beer and cigarettes. And yet he tasted like home as everything Azriel and I talked about came flooding back to me. He was my place to land, my home wrapped up in a person. Even if he was drunk, even if we weren't able to talk about yesterday. He was my home.

My heart slowly stitched a few pieces back together.

"Nesta," he leaned his forehead against mine, "I'm sorry."

I sighed, "we can talk about it tomorrow, when you're sober. More likely you'll be hungover," I looked into his brown eyes and I knew he couldn't process what I was saying.

"You forgive me right? You're the girl I want," his hands tightened against my hips, "no one else. Well only Rey. But she's our baby."

I couldn't help but smile, warmth flooding through me as he called Rey his baby, our baby. I nodded slowly, looking at his lips and wishing he was sober. He was upset with me, he drank until he couldn't see straight, and yet he held me as if I was the most precious thing in his life. I ran my thumb across his bottom lip.

"Yeah. She is," I whispered softly, "let's get you to bed okay?"

He nodded, letting me take his hand as I led him into his room. He sat on the bed and pulled his shoes off, throwing them across the room. They landed with a thud against the wall. He pulled his shirt off next and I bit my lip. God if only he wasn't drunk. 

I wanted to officially make up with him.

I turned away and went into the bathroom as he laid down. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water. I rummaged through his medicine cabinet until I found aspirin to put beside him for when he woke up. I took a moment and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't care about the messages anymore. I knew there was a reason they had been sent. I believed Cassian, I believed him.

So I looked in my bag for something. An old tube of lipstick Feyre gave me when she tried to take me out once a few months ago. I smiled as I uncapped it and smashed the tip against the glass. I wrote the letters big, the smooth lipstick gliding over the surface.

I love you.

I drew a heart and then threw away the tube. I'd buy her another one. It was more important that he knew when he woke up this hadn't been a dream. I forgave him and somehow he has forgiven me. I grabbed his glass of water and then walked back out into his bedroom. Cassian was snoring already, his head buried in his mound of pillows. He mumbled something as I set the glass on his nightstand.

"I'm sorry," I whispered softly. I ran my fingers through his hair before I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

He grabbed my wrist, his eyes springing open. It took him a moment to realize where he was. When he did he let out a breath, "will you stay?"

I bit my lip and shook my head, "I can't leave Rey."

He sighed, letting me go, "yeah okay."

He looked like a little boy, like the friend I had made all those years ago. Disappointed that I wouldn't stay, let down yet again by someone he cared about. I looked at the clock. It was barely after six. For the first time in two years I did something for myself. I didn’t think about my daughter or worry that I was making the wrong decision. I pulled my shoes off and crawled under the blanket beside him. Cassian smiled, pulling me into his chest.

I wanted to wake up and face tomorrow with him. I wanted him to know that no matter what we were still in this together. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms because two nights without him had been the hardest nights of my life. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were before. I wanted my best friend, my boyfriend back.

"I love you," he whispered against my shoulder.

I drew a heart over his chest. His angry drunken words didn't matter how. He held me in his arms and I knew this was right. Azriel was right. I pressed a kiss against his warm skin, to the place where his shoulder met his neck. Then I closed my eyes, listening to the beat of his heart. This was where I belonged.

I let the quiet surround us as he fell back asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been rewriting like crazy. So hopefully that keeps up and I can finish this story I wanted to tell.   
> Thanks for reading and commenting. I love to see what you think!

I woke up before Cassian. I slipped out from under him and went to the bathroom. My message was still there. I smiled as I looked at it, realizing I couldn't stay mad at him no matter how hard I tried. I flushed the toilet and then fixed my hair. I crawled back in beside him.

His eyes were open, "it wasn't a dream," he whispered his hand touching my cheek, "you really did stay."

I sighed, facing him as I pulled the covers back up. The sun spilled in through the windows, "Cass. We have a lot to talk about. But I'm sorry."

He pressed his finger against my lips, "I have a surprise for you. To say I'm sorry."

I looked at him and felt the concern flash across my face. Cassian and his surprises usually warranted a warning. They were dangerous. The last surprise he had given me was a day fishing out on the lake. Of course it was freezing and I slipped in the mud and ended up in the water. He jumped in after me, even though I could stand and we both ended up in the emergency room.

It was a memory that made me laugh now. But it was also when we realized Cassian shouldn't be allowed to surprise us.

He laughed as if he could read my mind, "don't worry, sweetheart. I promise it's a good surprise. Azriel helped me."

At the mention of the quiet brother I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He still tasted like beer, but he was sober and he was holding me as if nothing had changed. As if he didn't care what I called him, that I compared him to Tomas. He understood, he would always understand the pain that man caused me.

Some wounds never truly heal. Especially invisible ones.

"I know he hurt you," Cassian pulled away and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, "I know you're still learning to open up, to believe not everyone is like him. I know having him back here is hard. But I will never be him. I will do everything I can to prove to you how much I love you."

I smiled, "I know. And that makes me love you even more. I'm sorry. For the way I shut down, for letting those messages scare me. I should've listened. I just got scared. I used it to push you away before I could get hurt again."

"I won't hurt you Nes. I promise."

I smiled as he leaned in to kiss me once again. The sound of my phone ringing surprised us both. I pulled away and saw Feyre's name flash across the screen.

"Hello?"

"Where are you? You didn't come home and I was worried. You didn't tell me you were going anywhere."

"I'm sorry," I closed my eyes rolling onto my back. I had forgotten to call her when I went to pick up Cassian, "I had to save a drunk at the bar and I forgot to call you. Is Rey awake? I'll come home now."

"No," Feyre sighed, "no she's fine. She's watching beauty and the beast. I was just worried. As long as you're okay. The drunk was Cassian right?"

I laughed, "yes."

"And if you would care to know we were in the middle of making up," Cassian growled loudly beside me. 

Feyre laughed, "well lucky for you two I'm still not feeling well. So I'll watch Rey. Rhys is coming over to help."

“Are you sure you’re okay? Is something really wrong? Should you go to the doctors?” I asked wondering if she was going to get Rey sick now that she had just gotten over her infection. Or was getting over it.

Feyre sighed, it sounded like a laugh, “no I’m fine Nes. I just feel a little off. Don’t worry Rhys is bringing me some medicine and Rey is really a big help. She loves watching movies with auntie Fey.”

“Okay well thanks Feyre. Give my girl a kiss for me.”

“Anytime, you know that Nesta."

We said goodbye and I hung up. I looked at Cassian, "so how crazy is this girl?"

He laughed, "Rhys hired her when you were pregnant. It took her a little while to warm up, but you met her at the Christmas party. Remember Rhys made a big deal about switching tables? Well she's why, because she made a pass at Azriel and Mor tried to stab her."

My jaw dropped as I remembered, "oh my gosh. She picked up the butter knife and told me, 'you can stab anyone with anything even if it isn't sharp. You just need enough momentum behind it.' You ripped it out of her hands and told her to behave."

Cassian was laughing now, "yes. Because before me she went after Azriel. After him she went after Rhys. Feyre was a little more polite, of course Rhys is the boss so it was easy to convince her to leave him be. A few well placed warnings about losing her job was all it took. And Feyre’s mean right hook,” My eyes went wide, “now she's targeted me.”

“My sister hit her?” I asked shocked no one had mentioned it to me.

Cassian shook his head, “nah. Rhys just mentioned his girlfriend was really into kick boxing and he came in with a bruise from a bar fight. He told her Feyre did it and well that was it. So now she’s decided I’m the easiest of the group since I didn’t have a girlfriend when we met.”

I nodded, "okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it get to me. I just got scared. So I thought it would be easier to leave mad, than to leave with an actual broken heart.”

Cassian kissed me softly, it was sweet, "I know. So now let's get dressed so I can show you your surprise. Is Rey okay? How is she with her infection?"

I sighed, "her fever broke yesterday but she's still tired. She's been a little fussy, which mean she wants you or Az. Even Rhys can't settle her," I stood up and stretched, Cassian watching my shirt rise above my stomach, "so after your surprise I'm taking you to my house. To settle her."

He smiled, "good. Because I missed my girl."

I didn't have anything to change into so I waited for Cassian to get dressed. He showered first, asking for my help of course. I brushed him off with a wave of my hand and went into the kitchen to make coffee. Cassian was singing loudly as I stood in his kitchen alone.

I smiled, thankful we had found a way to put this behind us. Grateful that we were moving on and survived our first real fight. Maybe it was because we were best friends. Either way I knew forgiving him would be easy. He was my favorite person, I trusted him completely.

Which meant sooner or later I'd hand him my heart.

I poured the coffee into my cup and took a long drink. I closed my eyes and imagined this for real, a life with Cassian. A life and a home. Maybe one day we would make that move. Maybe we would become a real family, Rey would run around giggling. And when she was fussy I wouldn’t have to call him over, he would already be there. He would be the man of the house.

Steam billowed out of his shower as he opened the door. His hair was dripping as he came out and found me standing in the kitchen. He had the towel wrapped around his waist. His wet chest pressed into mine as he hugged me around the waist.

“I love you too,” he whispered in my ear as he pressed a kiss below it. I shivered as his teeth grazed the soft skin.

I giggled as he tapped my sides, “I thought you’d wake up alone and be afraid I was still mad at you. I wrote that before you asked me to stay, but it’s still true,” I turned around and kissed his lips, his wet hair dripping on my shirt, “I’m surprised you aren’t hungover.”

He laughed, “I am the champion of drinking, I can drink more than I did last night and still not be hungover. Now I’m going to get dressed and you better save me some coffee.”

His hand tapped my butt and I laughed loudly. I let out a slow breath and took another sip, feeling the warm liquid slosh down my throat. I was warm, from Cassian’s body heat, from the steam that was still coming out of the shower. I was warm because I finally felt like I belonged. This house was a bubble, where no one came, no one bothered me. This was the place I was safe.

Cassian came out of the room wearing a pair of jeans and a white V neck shirt. His hair was still wet, it was longer than I remembered it to be the last time I saw him. Which was only a few days. I bit my lips as he grabbed his own coffee cup and grabbed the pot from me. I watched him pour a cup and then add milk. I smiled as his eye caught mine.

It was like we had done this our entire lives. Waking up together, sharing smiles and kisses. Sure we had been best friends, he had slept over his fair share of nights when I was expecting Rey. But this was different, this held a different air. Because we were a couple, we were happy and we were choosing this. This felt right, as if this was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life.

“I like this,” I whispered as I set my empty cup in his sink, “waking up and being normal with you. No crazy exes, no text messages that scare me. Just you and me in our own little bubble,” I wrapped my arms around his waist as he brought his mouth to mine. I could never get enough of him, I wanted to spend my life kissing this man.

“Me too,” he whispered as he pulled back, “now let’s go before I decide my bed looks like a better option than what Azriel and I planned out.”

I raised an eyebrow as he finished his coffee and then grabbed my hand. We walked out into the warm sunshine and then we were going down the dirt road that lead away from town. I smiled slightly, already knowing where he was taking me. To the one place we always went to when things went wrong. When I fought with my sisters or I couldn’t deal with life. 

The field, weeds high as could be, came into view. I smiled as he pulled me into his side, “I knew you figured it out,” but whispered into my ear, “welcome to our first official date, Ms Acheron. Don’t worry I asked for Rey’s permission.”

I laughed slightly before I saw the blanket that had been set up along with the picnic basket that was there under the tall oak tree. I shook my head, he had really out down himself. This was a beautiful surprise, because I thought we would never have normal. I thought we would go from best friends to parents, never anything in between. I loved sharing Rey with him, but sometimes I wanted to remember what it felt like to be loved as a woman.

“You told me once all you needed in this life was me, this field, and air to breathe,” he took my hands in his. Tears gathered in my eyes as he looked at me with that crooked smile, “well now that I’ve got you here, you’ve got all three.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “I was nineteen when I said that and heavily pregnant. I can’t believe you remember. But it’s still true, even more now.”

He smiled and squeezed my hand, “I remember everything you’ve ever said to me, sweetheart. Because I love you, I’ve memorized every love, every hatred of yours. Because what you love is important to me. What lights your fire is what I want to keep bringing into your life. I want to spend my life learning yours. And teaching you mine.”

I wiped away a tear, “no one has ever been as sweet to me as you Cass. Even after the horrible things I said, the horrible way I jumped to conclusions,” he put his thumb against my lips.

“That’s over and done with. Now let’s have a nice first date. Since we’ve seemed to have missed a few important ones and jumped right into parenting together.”

I laughed as he pulled me down onto the blanket beside him. Cassian sat down with his back against the tree. Seeing him here without the others I realized how different we were. We grew up together, but so much had changed. And yet the boy I met all those years ago, the boy who fought for me, became this man who loved me unconditionally. Who loved me despite everything I had ever done in this lifetime.

I smiled feeling more emotional than I had in weeks. Hell I hadn’t been this emotional since I was pregnant with Rey. But with the way life had been going, my emotions were going crazy. I let out a breath as Cassian’s eyes met mine. He watched me as I crawled up into his lap. I kissed his cheek, the tip of his nose. He let out a gasp as my hips moved against his.

"I'm sorry," I whispered my lips inches away from his, "for what I said. For not believing you. I know I keep saying it, but I really want you to know that I won’t do it again. I will talk to you, I will listen.”

His hand came up to my cheek and he ran his thumb across my skin, "I know you didn't mean it. I know this is hard. But I love you Nesta. I'm giving you my heart. Will you give me yours?"

I smiled, "I'm trying. I’m learning,” I whispered softly before I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. His hands moved to my hips, trying to hold me in place. I pushed my hand between us and pressed against the button of his jeans.

He sucked in a breath, "Nesta."

I let my fingers touch him before I whispered, "I need you to touch me, Cass. Please."

He didn't waste a second he pushed me back against the blanket. He pulled his pants the rest of the way down just as my thumbs hooked under my waistband. I arched my hips up as his hand slipped under my shirt. My eyes closed as his thumb pressed against my chest.

"Yes," I whispered as he kissed my neck, "I missed you Cass."

He smiled as he kissed me again, "we should fight more often," he whispered as his fingers ran across my bare thigh. I raised an eyebrow at him but I didn't get a chance to ask why. He pushed into me and I cried out.

"Making up," I gasped, "feels so good."

He laughed, leaned down and starting a slow torturing pattern with his hips. I met him thrust for thrust, slow and steady. But I needed him to go faster. I needed him to move against me, to take me like he had before. I didn't want gentle.

"Faster," I gasped as my hands pulled on his arms. I tried to wiggle underneath him, to get more pressure against me. I grabbed his hand and moved it towards my stomach, "touch me."

He laughed against my skin but did everything I asked. He picked up the pace, swallowing my moans as he kissed me. Then his fingers slide between us and I screamed into his mouth. He knew what he was doing. My body started to shake as the pressure in my stomach built.

"Cassian," I moaned his name as he pulled his lips away from mine. We were lucky our field was so far away from the main road. My breath caught in my throat, "yes, there. Cass, please."

He laughed against as I begged him to go even faster. My fingers grabbed the blanket and my legs turned to jelly as I fell apart. I smiled up at him as he followed me, his eyes filled with a something I couldn't find. It was something I never wanted to lose.

"I love you," I whispered softly as we stayed together for a few minutes longer. 

Cassian kissed my forehead, "you know this means we've officially survived our first fight."

He pulled away and we both fixed our clothing. I pulled my shirt back into place, pulling my leggings back up. Cassian buttoned his pants and smoothed down his hair. The idea of getting caught now wasn't as appealing as before. Both our cheeks were still flushed, our eyes sparkling with pleasure. I would never ever get enough of this man. 

I smiled as I grabbed one of the chocolate bars from the basket, "I would say that we're doing just fine then. It only took us a full day to apologize."

"And one hell of a drunken story," he whispered softly as he pulled me to sit between us legs. I leaned my head back and felt his heart beating against my back.

"Cassian. You scare me," I said quietly, "I think that's why I pulled away so fast. Because I'm scared to lose myself again. Not because you're like him, but because the last time I thought I loved someone, he was a monster."

Cassian's fingers laced through mine, "I will never let you lose yourself, Nesta. You are my wildfire, the spark inside my soul. If you ever lose that I will fight like hell to bring her back. I promise."

I smiled as he kissed the back of my hand, "I don't deserve you."

"No. But Rey does," he winked at me as I shook my head and we started to eat the picnic he packed. I leaned my head against his arm, his muscle the perfect pillow. He ran his lips across my neck and I shivered. 

I closed my eyes and smiled. This was perfect. This was my home, here in his arms.

Love was scary. Looking back I realize I had no idea what love was when I met Tomas, but he claimed to feel that way for me. So I believed him and his pretty lies, I let them wrap around my heart and I thought I felt the same way. But the way I felt for Cassian, the way he made my heart stop, my body shiver. I knew this was what actual love felt like. Even in the silence between us I craved him. Not his lips, his body, but him. I craved his soul.

Love didn’t have to be scary. It could be beautiful. It didn’t have to be destructive, it could heal even the deepest cuts, the worst scars. I knew that was true whenever I looked at Cassian. Because he was helping me heal. He was helping me wade through the darkness that still clung to my heart.

Somehow, someway, I got more than lucky. I was falling in love with a man who's patient and kind. Who loves me for who I am, scars and all. But I also fell in love with my best friend, the man who knows me better than anyone else.

Azriel was right. I never should've been scared of him.

"Remember when Rey was about six months old and you decided you wanted to cheer me up," I opened my eyes as the memory started to play, "so you woke me up really early and brought me out here. We had Rey all bundled up against the cold and we watched the sun rise as the snow began to fall."

Cassian smiled against my skin, "you remember that?"

"I remember every surprise Cassian. Every laugh, every moment you were there for me. You were my strength during the hardest time in my life, Cass. I should've realized you would never do that to me."

He ran his finger tips down my arms. Then laced our fingers together, "hey we decided that was in the past. So we won't think about it anymore. But I remember that. It didn't end well. Rey got sick and you were mad at me."

I laughed, "she was six months old! We should've known better not to bring her out here in the snow."

"Yeah," he agreed as he kissed my cheek, "but I remember you clinging to my coat so you could keep warm."

I blushed, "even back then? You felt that way about me?"

Cassian pushed a strand of hair out of my face, "sweetheart I've wanted to be yours, to claim you as my own, since the day we stepped foot into high school. But you always looked at the other guys, you never seemed to care if I took out the popular girls. So I just thought you didn't feel the same."

I leaned into him, "maybe not that long ago. I mean, I had a crush on you, but you were my best friend. My first kiss. Because we wanted to get it over with. But with time I grew to love you, to realize that a friendship forms the strongest bond. The greatest love."

Cassian smiled, "I've had a lot of firsts. But you're my first love, Nesta. You always have been. Now I just want you to be my last.”

I kissed his lips softly as his hand grazed the skin on my waist, sneaking under my shirt. I smiled against his mouth, our fight was officially over. I could never walk away from him, I knew that now. As I sat there with him, I knew that I could never erase him from my life. Because he was my life. He was stitched right there into the center of my heart. 

I sighed happily as I pulled away. I leaned my forehead against his and we let the silence surround us. It was nice, being a couple, acting our age. But it didn’t last long. Our perfect serene moment was shattered as someone cleared their throat loudly. 

"Well have we upgraded from best friend to boy toy?" Tomas's voice shook through me. I looked up and he was standing there watching Cassian and me with smirk on his stupid face. How long had he been there?

"You shouldn't be within a hundred feet of her," Cassian tried to shield he. He stood up and pulled me with him. He positioned himself in front of me, "should I call the sheriff?"

He smiled, "go ahead. I'd say I'm far enough away, causing no trouble. But I'll be gone before he gets here anyways. I just thought I'd take a walk. Then I saw you two all huddled together. Last I heard you were fighting," he paused and his eyes landed on me, "and that Rey was sick."

My stomach flipped. Tara had lied to me. She was on her brother’s side, she always would be. I should’ve known she had played nice to get me to talk. I shook my head and grabbed Cassian's arm. The moment he said Rey's name he started to shake with anger. I had to stop him, I had to calm him down. This was what Tomas wanted.

He couldn't rile me anymore. So he was moving onto a new person, someone just as close. Someone who would be more fun to toy with because he could kill two birds with one stone. Insult me while tormenting Cassian.

"Cassian stop," I pulled on his arm, "don't let him win. He's baiting you. Please."

Cassian's arm trembled with anger. It fell off of him in waves. His hand clenched, itching to hit Tomas. He was smiling. That stupid smile that he wore whenever he knew he had gotten to me. Only this time I wasn't his target.

Cassian was.

"I can't believe you finally spread your legs for him. Tell me, is he as good as me? Actually no, Cassian. Tell me is she not as pure as you always imagined her to be?"

Cassian pulled out of my hand and stalked towards Tomas. His body was stiff, his jaw set. He practically growl a warning at Tomas, "you aren't allowed near her, don't ever say her name. She's not yours, she never was."

Tomas raised an eyebrow, "she'll always be mine. I ruined her."

Cassian shook his head, "no she's stronger than you and all the hate you tried to force inside her head. I would know, she chose me. Not a monster like you."

Tomas took a step closer, "a monster? Well I never knew you had such endearing nicknames for me," he laughed and it made my skin crawl, "and I have no idea what Ella ever saw in a brute like you."

My heart stopped inside my chest. The whole reason we were on this date, why Cassian and I were trying to work through my fears, was because of the name that just fell off Tomas's lips. How did he know? 

Tomas laughed, "I see you're figuring it out. Yes. I know her. And yes," he leaned in and whispered something. I didn't hear him, but Cassian's eyes flashed with anger and I realized in that moment whatever Tomas had said sent him over the edge. 

And once again everything that had gone wrong in my life was Tomas's fault. He was the root of all evil in my small world.

Cassian's fingered twitched and then he snapped. I didn’t even realize Tomas was standing right there in front of us until it happened. Cassian threw the first punch, landing it right on his left eye. I screamed, my hands covering my mouth as Tomas went back at him. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to stop them. I couldn't pull them apart, they were stronger than me.

They kept throwing punches. Someone spit blood as Cassian raised his fist and slammed it into Tomas's ribs. Someone cursed, another one grunted. I had no idea who was winning, who’s blood was dripping on the ground. I screamed, not sure if I should go any closer. Cassian never let someone bait him like this. Whatever he said must have really set him off.

"Cassian!" I yelled his name as the sirens sounded in the distance. My hands were shaking, tears filled my eyes. I felt helpless and I had no idea how to stop what was happening. I took a step forward but stopped when I heard something on one of them crack loudly.

I didn't have to wait long. The cops pulled up and pulled them apart. Both of them were bloody, but Tomas looked worse than Cassian. Even if he was smiling, his bruises would last longer. That's what he wanted. He wanted Cassian in this position.

The police walked up and looked between the boys. I tried to stop the tears that entered my eyes as I stayed in the field, away from Tomas. If I took a step closer would they arrest him? Or would I just let him think I wasn’t afraid of him anymore?

"He assaulted me," Tomas spit blood on the ground and swayed, "arrest him."

The officer holding Cassian let out a grunt. Cassian growled, "he's violating his restraining order. He's not allowed within a hundred feet of my girlfriend."

Tomas let out a dark laugh, "girlfriend. Just last week you were still in the friend zone."

Cassian tried to flip him off but the cop tightened his grip. I tried to fight off my tears, but they kept gathering as the officer sighed. Tomas was acting like the victim. He swayed and leaned, acting as if he couldn't stand anymore.

"Cassian Moten you're under arrest," they started to read him his rights and I fell to my knees. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were just having an actual date and now it was ending with Cassian in handcuffs? I shook my head, watching as they pushed him into the back of the car.

His brown eyes found mine. The bruise was bright around his eye, but he was calm. He let out a breath, "call Rhys. Have him meet me at the station."

I nodded, pulling out my phone. I cleared my throat and dialed Rhysand's number. He picked up on the second ring, "hello?"

"Rhys. You have to go down to the station. Cassian's been arrested."


	16. Chapter 16

Tomas lingered as I grabbed my things and started home. Rhys was headed to the police station and I just need away from here. He didn't follow me, in fact he didn't say anything. He just watched me and smiled. As if he knew something I didn't. As if this was all still some big game to him.

I walked off, ignoring him as I tried not to run back home. My hands were still shaking when I walked into the house and Feyre met me. She had rey on her hip.

"What the hell happened Nesta? Rhysand just ran out after you called him."

"Tomas started a fight. Cassian snapped, they arrested him. I have to go to the station," I grabbed the keys, "keep her here. And don't answer the door. Tomas might come back."

Feyre nodded and then I left. I drove way too fast and got to the station in less than three minutes. I walked in and Rhysand was talking to the officer behind the desk. I grabbed his hand and he pulled me into a side hug.

"Hey," he squeezed my arm, "I posted his bail. They're going to release him."

I hugged Rhys, "thank you."

He nodded as he held onto me, "what happened Nesta? The officers said he went after Tomas."

I laughed, "Tomas went after me. Not physically but verbally. He stood far enough away that he wasn't violating his restraining order. And then he attacked me and cassian with rude marks. He whispered something to Cass and that's when he snapped. I've never seen him so angry."

Rhys sighed, "he hates Tomas. He will do whatever he has to keep you and Rey safe."

I bit my lip, "I know. I just. Tomas plays his games. This is one of them. He went after Cassian for a reason."

"Nesta," I turned and Cassian stood there putting his things back in his pockets. I had to stop myself from running to him. The bruise on his cheek was darker, his lip was covered in dried blood.

Cassian hugged me tightly. I kissed his cheek careful of his injuries, "don't do that again. Please," my voice broke as I ran a finger down his bruise.

"Do you know what he said to me?" He asked as he pulled away. I shook my head as he sighed, "he said that rey will never be more anything other than a little whore like her mother. If only she could've been raised by someone more deserving."

He wrapped his arms around me tightly. I shook my head, i wouldn't let him hurt me anymore. I didn't care about his comment. I just needed Cassian, his arms around me safe.

"Is he pressing charges?" I asked as I pulled back and looked at his bruises.

Cassian shrugged, "I don't know. I don't care. I just want to go home. I'm sorry I ruined our date."

I smiled and kissed him softly, "you didn't ruin it I promise."

"I shouldn't have hit him. I know. But I had to protect our girl," he closed his eyes. I pulled him in and kissed his cheeks, "I'm sorry Nesta."

"Let's just, go home," I sighed as I grabbed his hand. Rhys finished talking to the officers and then followed us outside.

Rhysand looked at us, "Cassian. What the hell were you thinking? This is what Tomas wanted to happen."

Cassian stopped outside the station. He grabbed my hand, trying to make me understand what had happened. His eyes were soft as he held my hand tightly in his, “he said he would find a way to break us apart and no one else would want you. So then he'd get you back."

I shook my head, "that will never happen. Come on, let's go home."

Cassian sighed as he got into my car. I stopped and looked at Rhys before I got in beside him, "thank you for coming, for helping us. Did they tell you, if he’s going to be pressing charges?"

Rhys shook his head, “no he’s not pressing charges. I think he wanted to scare Cass, make him see the power he has. I think he wanted to scare both of you and this was the easiest way to play his hand.”

I nodded, “okay well, I guess that’s good. I'll see you at home?"

He smiled, "of course."

I got into the car and turned to look at my best friend. His eyes were closed, he looked like he was in pain. I took in a breath and then put my hand against Cassian's cheek, "you need cleaned up. Can I still take you to my house?"

He smiled but I could tell it pained him to do so, "I'm not leaving your side today or tonight. Or ever again for that matter. You don't think I'll scare Rey do you?"

I sighed, "no. You just have a few bruises. She'll probably fuss over you," I started the car as his hand found my thigh. I couldn't help but smile as I looked at him and thought about last night. Even drunk he had still wanted to touch me.

"I'm sorry I hit him. I should've stayed beside you. I just snapped, that stupid smile on his face got to me," Cassian closed his eyes. I grabbed his hand and pulled it off my leg. I laced our fingers together.

I waited a moment and then sighed, “you were protecting me, protecting Rey. I understand Cass. Trust me if anyone understand it’s me. Who knew they'd arrest you and not him?"

"I should've known. I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted. I played right into the game he’s been building since he got back. He showed you and everyone else that he can take me away from you without even trying,” for the first time Cassian sounded so defeated, as if this was the thing that would finally break him. To break us.

I pulled to a stop at the house and turned the car off. I turned to face Cassian, “look at me,” I waited until his eyes found mine and I framed his face with my hands, “this is not him winning. He will never win because you’re here with me, and Rey is safe okay? I’m telling you exactly what you tell me every single time I start to fall apart. Tomas is not worth it, you are here and we are happy. He cannot take this away from us.”

Cassian smiled, it pulled at his eyes and he turned to press a soft kiss against my wrist, “there she is. The Nesta I’ve been waiting to see for the last two years. I knew she was still in there somewhere.”

I smiled at him and then leaned forward and kissed him, “we’re going to be stronger than Tomas. We have to be, because he’s a bully. I love you, Cassian. He will never change that no matter what he says or how hard he tries.”

He nodded his head and I let my hands fall off his face. I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw open my door. I let out a breath and then walked around. Cassian got out of the car and followed me inside. Rey came running, squealing loudly as she jumped into my arms.

"Mama!" She kissed my cheek as Cassian smiled at us, "Ashian!"

She reached for him and I passed her over to his waiting arms. She smiled, but then it fell. Her eyes went wide when she saw the bruises. I sighed trying to stop her before she started crying, "he's okay Rey. Just a little hurt."

She reached for him again. Her little hand touched his cheek and he winced but stayed quiet. The room was silent as we stood there waiting them. Cassian was about to pass her back to me, but then she leaned up and pressed a kiss against his bruised cheek, "mama, kisses make 'em go away."

I smiled at my little girl, tears gathering in Cassian's eyes. He hugged her tightly, her arms winding around his neck as the same time his went around her tiny body. I knew this was what he needed. To know that even if Tomas was an asshole, defending us, protecting Rey, was more than worth it.

"Okay Rey," I ran my hand down her back, "want to help me clean Ashian up?"

She nodded as she swung her legs against his waist and he carried her to the bathroom. I sighed as I grabbed the medical kit and he sat down on the toilet seat. Feyre was in the kitchen, I heard Rhysand greet her.

Cassian kept ahold of Rey, "so this might sting," I said quietly as I dabbed the cotton ball into the alcohol. He nodded as Rey took his hand.

"Squeeze Ashian," she patted their hands and I smiled.

It took me a little while to clean the cuts and bruises. Cassian didn't sit still very well even with Rey on his lap. He winced and whined with everything I used to clean his poor face. Rey would giggle when he squeezed her hand and take some of the pain away. I was grateful for her little laughter. It made this a little easier. 

Once I finished wiping off the dried blood Cassian was left with bruises that lined his left eye. One black angry mark against his cheek. I ran the tip of my finger over them and wished them away. I wished I had the ability to heal them, to take away all the reminders of that asshole. But I don't. They would have to heal with time.

"All clean," I whispered softly as Rey leaned against his chest. She yawned, "I think you're in need of a nap miss."

I tapped her nose and she wiggled in his arms. She looked tired, I had a feeling Feyre had been napping and she hasn't. Rey came to me and laid her head on my shoulder, "mama."

I kissed her chin and then carried her into the bedroom, "if you nap you can sleep in my bed."

She nodded as I laid her down and then pulled a blanket up around her. Rey grabbed her dragon and settled into her spot. She closed her eyes and fell asleep within minutes. I jumped when Cassian sat down beside me. He had been so quiet watching us. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was so sweet, so innocent. My heart hurt knowing she was caught up in a game she never wanted to play.

"Nesta," his voice was soft.

I shook my head. My earlier words were lost on even me as I sat there looking at my daughter. I had to protect her and yet I felt like I had failed her. I understood now why Cassian had been beating himself up. Because I couldn’t fail Rey, I couldn’t let Tomas get his evil hands on her.

But I was powerless to stop him. I swallow my tears, "what if he tries something, Cass. What if he gets bored with torturing you or me and he goes after her? I can't."

He pulled me into his chest and held me tightly. I had been strong for too long. This fear was too big to handle on my own. I held onto him, letting his hand rub up and down my back. He tried to soothe me and I tried to believe him. I tried to believe him when he said nothing would happen.

"I won't let him near her," he whispered as he wiped away a tear, "I promise. She's our daughter, you're my girls. I'll do whatever I have to to keep you both safe."

I nodded and forced a smile, "I know. I start to believe you. Until he comes around again."

Cassian wiped away another tear, "let's go talk to Rhys. I'm sure he called the lawyer. I'm sure he has a plan."

We walked into the kitchen to find Feyre and Rhysand already sitting around the table. I couldn't believe it was barely after three. This morning had started out amazing, now I couldn't believe we had to bail Cassian out of jail. I sat down in the seat he pulled out for me.

Cassian put his hands on the table and sighed loudly. I leaned closer and put my hand on his thigh. He looked at his hands and then finally brought his eyes up to his friend, his brother. He seemed to already understand what Cassian was about to explain.

Rhys blew out a breath once Cassian told him his side of the story. He scratched his head and then looked at his friend, "you gotta be careful Cass. He's dangerous and not just for the obvious reasons. He's got the police in his pocket. He's got the ability to get out of everything, he'll his dad owns half this town."

Cassian sighed, "and you own the other half."

I leaned into him as we sat around the table. This moment was too tense for me, "what about the restraining order? Why don't they do anything about the fact that he keeps violating it?"

Rhys shrugged, "he was far enough away today. And he gets thrown in jail but it doesn't hold. Until he does something more permanent, something bigger than throw his words at you then he'll walk free."

I wrapped my fingers around Cassian's. I pressed my lips against his arm, "if he goes after Rey he won't just be thrown in jail. I will kill him. I will go after him myself."

Feyre spoke then, "don't worry, we all will. That little girl doesn't need this, she doesn't deserve it. Neither do you. Why did he even come back here?"

"Because he probably got bullied wherever he went. Now he's the big fish in a small pond again and he knows it. But I'm done being afraid of him. Next time he comes around I call the cops and press charges."

Cassian looked at me, "he's not coming around again. I'm staying here and so is Rhys. Hell I'll tell Mor and Azriel to sleep on the couch. He will not touch you again."

I closed my eyes, the silent surrounding us. I had my arms wrapped around his and I felt safe. My stomach growled, breaking the silence. I blushed as everyone laughed.

"I thought you took her on your date?" Rhys said as the tension was broken.

"I did. We might have gotten distracted from the food," Cassian smiled, the tension leaving his shoulders. I laughed as Feyre raised her eyebrows at me. Rhys laughed as if he knew exactly how that happened, which I’m sure he did. Cassian didn’t keep secrets from him, even the ones involving me.

I shook my head, "you aren't cooking dinner. I am. You've done it so many times in the last few weeks. You and Rhys go watch tv or something. Cassian and I will make dinner."

Feyre smiled, "you don't have to. I really don't mind."

I hugged my sister, "but I do. So we will make dinner and we aren't talking about Tomas anymore."

Cassian followed me into the kitchen and we fell into our usual rhythm. We made dinner together so many times it was easy to find our place beside each other. I cut the vegetables, he started to cook the meat. My stomach growled again as the smell hit me. 

Cassian glanced at me as he stood at the stove, "I love you," he smiled as I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist, "I promise. You're safe with me."

"I've always felt safe with you Cass," I whispered as I put the mushrooms into the pan he was using, "don't worry. We'll get through this. The only way we get through everything. Together."

He nodded, but I knew he wasn't as convinced. Something told me he was wondering if he could actually handle all the baggage I carried. I knew he could, because I would never make him handle it alone.

But I knew Tomas wouldn't stop trying. He would spend the rest of our lives trying to break me, to take away the things that made me happy. And I promised myself and Cassian, I wouldn't let that happen.

I would fight him. The Nesta who had been missing reappeared in my heart. The fire burned bright for my best friend and my daughter. I would fight for the future we both wanted together. I wouldn't let him take them away from me.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning. There will be feels.

Waking up beside Cassian slowly became my new favorite thing. Because I wasn't pregnant and we were finally together. It was like a nice little memory, except it was always different in the mornings now. I always woke up with his arms wrapped around me, sometimes he would press a kiss to my cheek, my shoulder. It didn’t matter how I woke up, seeing Cassian’s face, feeling his warmth beside me, was enough to make me forget the evil Tomas had done to me.

I was letting go of that scar, slowly but surely. Cassian was showing me how a man treated the woman he loved. A few times I woke up to Rey's feet pressed against my back and her in between us. Even then Cassian kept his hand on my waist.

It was sweet, the way he was with us.

The doctor removed Rey's stitches yesterday. She was as good as new, just a small scar on her forehead. Her hair hid it, but she pouted in the way home. It wasn't until Azriel showed her his scars, his hands and how they were still useful, that she thought her scar made her strong. Cassian was even impressed with the way he handled her.

Mor was in tears as she watched her boyfriend calm and soothe Rey. I was surprised she didn’t drag him out of the house when he was done, holding my child in his arms. She was smiling, staring at him like she had never seen this side to him before. I was waiting for the day she came to Feyre and I wearing  a ring. They were bound to get married before any of us.

I sighed as I wrapped the blanket tighter around me. The sun filtered in through the blinds. It was warm, I didn't want to wake up yet. Cassian didn't have to work today and the house was quiet. I sighed as he pulled me closer, his lips pressing gently against my shoulder. He knew I was awake, his fingers running lightly over my arm causing me to shiver.

"Good morning," he whispered in my ear.

"Where's the little one?" I asked my eyes still closed. I refused to open them yet.

He laughed, "she ran out to terrorize Feyre and Rhys when I told her to let you sleep."

I buried my face in his neck, "mmhm sleep. I don't want to wake up."

He laughed again, "Nesta," he said my name softly, "as much as I love having sleepovers with you I want to ask you something."

My eyes opened slowly. I winced at the light shining in through the window. His eyes sparkled as he looked at me. My mom told me and my sisters once that you can tell a man loves a woman by the way his eyes light up whenever she enters a room. Cassian’s eyes were the brightest I had ever seen them as he held me there in what was now becoming our bed.

Love. It had always scared me. But here with Cassian, it wasn’t fear that made me wonder what he wanted to ask me. It was excitement, a thrill shot down my spine. Because I wasn’t afraid to love him, not anymore. He was my person, my favorite place to call home. 

I smiled back at him, wondering if he could see all the love I felt in my eyes like I could see it in his, “what’s that?"

"What would you say to moving in with me? You, me, and Rey. We'd be a family, in our own house without Feyre and Rhysand always calling us out for our public displays of affection."

I laughed slightly. Then I bit my lip imaging it, a future where we were really together. Where all of this was behind us and somehow we had made it to that finish line. One I never thought I would see.

I looked up and Cassian was waiting. He was holding his breath. I sat up slowly, pushing my hair out of my face, "really? You want to move in with me? You want to wake up beside this bird’s nest of hair and bad breath every morning?”

He nodded, a smile playing on his lips as he leaned into me. His big hands framed my face as the tips brushed a few strands of hair off my neck, “you’re beautiful, even in the morning. I told you, I want a life with you. A future together."

He paused, biting his lip. And then he sighed and pulled me closer, "and after what happened with Tomas the other day, I want to keep you both safe. You're my girls, always my girls. I want to come home and know you're there, kiss you before I leave in the morning. I want a life with you Nesta Acheron."

I grabbed his hand and smiled as I leaned in closer and kissed him. I nodded, pulled away and ran my finger over his bottom lip, "I would love to live with you, Cass. I want that life too. I just. Let me talk to Feyre first.”

After she told us that a man’s eyes were the window into his souls, she told us that a man would always be able to understand the love you felt for him through your smile. I could feel the smile on my face, it threatened to tear me in two as I looked at the man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who had helped me raise my daughter without having to be asked. I wondered if he knew that this smile was for him and only him. It was the smile that sparked the flame inside my soul.

The one that burned only for him.

His smile matched mine. We barely had time to celebrate, his lips were inches from mine when the door was thrown open. Two little feet pounded on the floor as her voice carried, "Ashian! Play!"

Rey jumped up on the bed and Cassian let out a grunt as she elbowed him. I smiled as he grabbed her and pulled her into him, tickling her. I leaned back against the headrest, realizing this was it. We would be able to do this every morning, because we wouldn't have to leave each other.

I smiled as I watched them. I always wanted a real family. I guess this was the one I had been waiting for. 

I stood up and stretched, grabbing clothes to change into. Rey was already dressed, in a mismatch pair of polka dot leggings and a shirt. I marveled at her independence. It was so like me I couldn't believe it. We were so different and yet so alike. 

I jumped as Cassian wrapped his arms around my waist, "you are my family, Nesta. You always have been."

I nodded as he pressed a kiss to my cheek, "yeah. You're my family too, Cass."

I turned around in his arms so I could see him. This man still took my breath away even after all these years. He was my warrior, the man who kept my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds. He was the rock that weathered my storm.

I pressed my hand against his cheek, "go play with our daughter," I whispered against his lips as he kissed me, "I'll reward you later."

His eyes sparkled as Rey grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room. I went to the bathroom and started the shower feeling lighter. If we moved to Cassian's, Tomas wouldn't know where we were. He would leave us alone, at least I thought he would. And we would always be safe with him.

Part of me was nervous. Didn't people wait longer than a few weeks to move in together? Were we moving too fast? I have known Cassian my entire life, but loving him is brand new. No it's not brand new, my accepting of it is. Should we slow down to make sure this will last? 

My mind was spinning as I stepped into the hot water. No we didn't need to slow down. We were perfect together. We were friends first, lovers second. He would never hurt me, he would do anything and everything for Rey. We weren't moving too fast, if we were he wouldn't have asked.

I washed my hair and then turned the water off. I tried to stop my overthinking, my active imagination. We already stayed together so much that we practically lived together. Half of Cassian's things were in my room.

No this wasn't foolish. It was exactly what we should do. It was a step in the right direction, the direction of finally growing up.

I got dressed once I had dried myself off. When I was done I walked out into the kitchen. I saw Cassian running around with Rey out in the front yard. She was giggling as Rhysand stood there with them. She would be lonely without all her boys. But she would have her own room, and maybe one day siblings to play with.

I bit my lip as I walked into the kitchen and saw my sister sitting at the counter. She had a cup of tea and a magazine in front of her. I smiled as I stood beside her, trying to find the courage to tell her what Cassian asked. It wasn’t that I was afraid she’d beg me to stay. It was just terrifying, realizing my life was finally starting again. I wasn’t the girl who showed up at her doorstep pregnant and scared.

Somehow I had come out the other side of that situation and flourished. I had a beautiful daughter, a best friend who turned into my best lover. I had found a light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed surreal, that after everything we had been through we were finally finding a life with the people we loved.

"So you two have amazing recovery time," Feyre raised an eyebrow at me.

"What?" I asked unsure of what her statement meant. 

She laughed, "you go from fighting and not speaking for three days to spending the night kissing and doing what else I don't want the details to, in a matter of hours. Cassian must be good at something, because you forgave him easily."

I smiled, "he's pretty good with his hands," my sister shook her head and I laughed at her red cheeks, "but really, I can't stay mad at him. I just got scared."

She nodded, "I'm glad you figured it out. You two are good together. And Rey, she adores that man."

"Yeah. She does."

I let out another breath and then stood up straighter. Feyre took a drink of her tea and then raised her eyebrows at me, "what?"

"So uh. Cassian and I were talking. About moving in together," I let out a nervous breath, "what do you think?"

She smiled then jumped up out of her seat to hug me, "I think that it's about time you two made a big move. And I was going to talk to you about maybe having Rhysand move in. I uh, I wanted to tell everyone when we were together. But I'll tell you now that he knows. Don't tell Mor, she'll kill me now that she'll be the last to know."

I looked at her confused as she grabbed my hand tightly. She kept smiling as she looked down at the floor. My sister was never nervous, not since she met Rhys. To see her flustered made me nervous too.

I pulled on her hand and forced her to look at me, "what's wrong?"

She laughed her cheeks tinting pink, "I didn't realize I'd be so nervous. I mean, I'm happy, it's just strange telling people I guess. I uh. I found out a few days ago. I'm not sick, Nesta. I'm pregnant."

My mouth fell open and I couldn't help but smile. I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tightly. When she pulled away her eyes glistened with tears, "oh my gosh. Well this is perfect. How far along?"

"Almost two months."

I shook my head, "I can't believe it. We're actually adults. Gods," I wiped away a tear, "so where's the ring? I'm sure Rhysand would have already proposed by now."

She shrugged, "not yet. I told him to wait. But he wanted to get married before I found out, we talked about it. So this just makes it sweeter."

I hugged her again, "I'm so happy for you."

"Yeah and I'm happy for you."

It hit me as we were standing there this was it. We were growing up and leaving each other. I would take Rey and we would make a family with Cassian. I wasn't leaving Feyre behind, but it felt like it. We had been through so much together. She held my hand when I cried about Tomas. She held Rey when she was born.

She was my baby sister. And now we were both about to enter into our adult lives. I felt the need to thank her. To tell her how much I appreciated her help, her love over these last two years.

"Thank you," I squeezed her tightly, "for taking me in. For helping me with Rey. For believing me when I told you about Tomas. I just. I never thanked you enough for helping me, Fey. But I couldn’t have done it without you, especially not that first year. You were my strength, you helped me raise a beautiful daughter,” a tear slipped down my cheek, “sometimes I forget you're the younger sister."

She laughed, "I would do it all again for you Nesta. Because you're my big sister, my blood. And Rey is beautiful. You should be so proud of that little girl, she is the best parts of you and me.”

"Yeah. She's pretty awesome. Especially since she was raised by us."

"But she really loves Cassian. Being with him, it's good for both of you," she squeezed my shoulder. A tear slipped down my cheek, "Rey needs someone to rough house with and you need someone who doesn't take your shit."

I laughed, "yeah. I guess we are good for each other. I just hope Rey takes moving okay. She really loves her aunt Fey.”

"She'll be fine. You know what she needs now, a brother or sister."

I rolled my eyes, "no she's getting a cousin. So we'll be back here all the time."

Feyre laughed, "yeah. I guess she is. When did we get so old Nes?"

I laughed, "good question. Wow. I can't wait to throw you a baby shower. Oh I hope you have a girl, then I can give you all Rey's old stuff."

"No you can't. What if you and Cass have another baby girl? I want a boy," she blushed, "a little boy who looks just like Rhys."

"You've thought about this," I said quietly.

She shrugged, "well yeah. I mean. Haven't you ever imagined little ones with Cassian?"

I blushed now. Biting my lip as I yet again imagined a little Cassian, "maybe," she giggled as she tapped my hip with hers, "okay yeah. I want a little Cassian to run around and bother his big sister."

We talked a little more about baby names and what she imagined life with Rhysand would be like. I knew she wanted to marry him. She wanted to be with him as soon as they met. I was happy for her, our lives were finally ours. We were finally making our own decisions.

Feyre told me she had a doctor’s appointment in the next few days and she would bring me a sonogram as soon as they got one. I couldn’t stop smiling at my sister, her eyes lit up whenever she mentioned the baby. She was excited, as one should be when they found out they were pregnant. Of course this conversation had been different when I found out, but I was happy for her. I didn’t dwell on the differences.

I knew one day I’d find out the same news, and I’d be happy. Because I knew without a doubt that the father would be Cassian. And I would be thrilled to carry his child, to watch him raise another little one beside me.

"Nesta!" Cassian came running into the house. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were wide. He looked terrified as I wiped off my hands and walked towards him. I closed the distance in a few strides.

"Cass. What's wrong?” His chest was moving fast, he looked like he had just run a mile. He ran a hand through his hand and I saw that they were shaking. He looked scared, not nervous. I swallowed the fear as I waited for him to answer me.

"Rey. He took Rey, she's gone."

My heart stopped, time seemed to still. His voice floated above me, around me, but I couldn’t seem to grasp what he had just said. My chest hurt as his brown eyes settled on mine, "what?"

"Tomas. He came out of nowhere and he just grabbed her."

My knees buckled, I started to fall. But Cassian caught me in his arms, he wrapped them around me and held me upright even as I pushed against him. I tried to slap him, to hurt him, "you let him take my baby. The one man I always promised to protect her from. No," I hit his chest again, but he held me tighter. Tears filled my eyes. 

I pulled away and ran out the front door. The yard was empty. She was gone, as if she had never even been here before.

My stomach flipped. I was going to be sick. The front door opened again and Feyre came out. Cassian grabbed me before my knees gave out a second time. Tears burned my eyes but I wouldn’t let them fall, "I'm so sorry. I tried to chase them but it’s like he disappeared. I have no idea where they went.”

I shook my head. I took in a breath of the cool air, clearing my head. This could've happened to any of us, because Tomas was crazy. He didn't think like everyone else. I couldn't blame Cassian. I knew he’d do whatever he had to do to protect Rey, "it happened. I just. We need to call the police."

"I already did," my sister walked over. She looked at Cassian because I had buried my face in his chest, "they're on their way. We'll get her back, Nesta. Don't worry."

The police came within five minutes. They walked slowly up into the yard and Cassian kept his arms around me. I was grateful he didn’t let me go, because I was pretty sure I’d fall apart. My baby was gone, the man I hated, who had hurt me beyond repair, had her. I didn’t know where she was, if she had gone willingly or if she was scared. I closed my eyes, another wave of nausea rolled through my stomach. 

When I opened my eyes there were two officers standing in front of us. They looked at me and then looked at Cassian. Then we all started talking at once. The older officer held up his hand and shook his head, "who's the mother?"

"Me," I stepped away from Cass. My legs shook, but they held me upright. I could be strong, I would be strong. I wouldn’t fall apart when Rey needed me the most.

"Who saw her last?"

He stepped up, "me."

"Alright you go with my partner and give a statement. Ma'am you come with me. Give me a description and anything else you can."

I followed the older officer away from Feyre and Rhys. I took in a breath, "her name is Rey Acheron. She's two years old, long dirty blonde hair, gray blue eyes like mine. She's wearing um. Polka dot leggings and a bright blue shirt. She uh, she's sweet and she'll talk to anyone. Tomas Mandray took her. I know he did."

"Why?" The officer stopped writing.

I tried to fight my tears, "because he wants to hurt me. Because he's obsessed with taking everything from me and she's my little girl. He has a restraining order, it is for both of us. I want him in jail."

The officer nodded, “I'm going to issue an amber alert. We'll find her, Nesta. I promise.”

I took in a breath and pushed down my anxiety as hard as I could, “when he brings her back, if you find him, can I press charges?”

The officer nodded, “of course. Not only did he violate the restraining order he also kidnapped the child. He will be taken to jail once we find him. My guess though is he’ll get bored and he’ll bring her back. He doesn’t seem like someone who likes having children around.”

I watched him as he walked away, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was one of the officers Tomas had in his pocket. If he was, he was doing a shitty job of helping his friend. Because they all seemed to be on my side, they were searching for Rey. They were taking statements and setting up camp here at the house. Maybe Tomas didn’t have as much pull as he wanted us to believe.

Maybe they had arrested Cassian for fighting, not for Tomas.

It all hit me at once. I was standing in the front yard and Rey was really gone. I wouldn’t walk into the house and hear her laughter, or see her smile. She wasn’t here, she had been taken. In the last two years I had never spent longer than a day without her. I took her to work with me, we shared the same bed until she was big enough to want her own. Now I had no idea if she would be home tonight. It was like I had lost my arm, my leg. Rey was as much apart of me as the lungs that were working to bring air into my body.

And he had cut them off, he had taken her away without my consent.

I let out a loud sob as Cassian came back over. I would've collapsed under the weight of it all if he hadn't wrapped his arms around me and helped me back inside. He sat me down on the couch as the police set their things up in the kitchen.

Time seemed to stop, the same way it did two years ago when the strip turned pink. My body, my mind, couldn't process anything that was happening around me. Because Rey was gone, Tomas had her. My hands started to shake as I sat there with Cassian. I leaned my head on his shoulder and I felt him relax slightly. I hadn’t moved in the last ten minutes, until I leaned into his touch, craving his comfort.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered, "we'll get her back. I promise."

I nodded, trying to believe him. I couldn’t stop the guilt that flooded me, the worry that started to take root in my stomach. Tomas had her, he had her all alone and he could do whatever he wanted to her. I clenched my hands together, I knew what he liked to do to those who were weak. I knew what he liked to do when no one else was around. If he touched my child, I would end him.

I let out a breath and closed my eyes, trying to take in Cassian’s scent. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine she was okay, she was out with Feyre. But it didn’t help, he was doing god knows what with her. Why he would take her was beyond me, he didn’t like kids. He always told me he hated how loud and annoying they were. Sure we were younger, but Tomas didn’t change. He hadn’t changed I saw that the day he came to the house the very first time.

He was still that power hungry little boy.

The police set up their computers and radios in the kitchen. Feyre told them it would be fine to use the counter and they were coming and going without talking to me or Cassian. He kept his arms around me as I tried to pull myself together. I understood now what it meant to be a mother bear. Because I was becoming very agitated and very in need of getting answers about my child. But I couldn’t voice them because if I pulled away from Cassian I was going to fall apart.

An hour passed before any one said anything to me again. I closed my eyes and almost fell asleep on the couch in Cassian’s arms. Feyre and Rhysand were talking with the police officers and I heard Rhys call his lawyer, the one who issued the restraining order for me. 

"Nesta," one of the officers called my name. It snapped my mind back into focus and into the reality of the situation, "I just saw that Tomas made a large payment at a medical facility. We’re tracking his credit cards. He hasn't left town, but he's keeping a low profile since none of my men can find him. Would you call him? See if maybe you can get him to bring her back?"

I bit my lip but Cassian touched my shoulder for support. I could do this. I would do this for Rey. For my daughter who was probably scared and wondering who this stranger was, "yes. I'll call him."

My heart was pounding as I dialed the number she had found for me. I brought the phone up to my ear and tried not to be sick. Cassian's hand brushed against the small of my back. It was easier knowing he was there. The sick feeling left me as I closed my eyes and focused on him.

"Hello Nesta. I've been waiting for your call. Don't worry your darling little girl is just fine," his voice made me shiver. I blew out a breath, focusing on Cassian and Rey.

"Don't you touch her, Tomas. Don't think for a second you're going to get away with this. I swear if you hurt her, if you do anything I'll end you. I make sure you never see a happy moment, the same way you did to me."

He laughed, "always so dramatic. Don't worry she's fine, she's safe. She's even enjoying herself it seems."

"Just bring her home, Tomas. She's my daughter and you have no right to have her. Please."

He laughed, "I have no right. Sure. Don't worry I'll bring her back. Just not yet, she seems to like me. Pity you didn't teach your daughter to be as guarded as you. It's a shame that she's so trusting, so sweet that it hurts. If I didn't see you in every inch of her face I wouldn't even know she's yours."

"I swear if you hurt her you'll have to deal with me," tears edged into my voice. My hands were shaking as Cassian moved his hand to my waist. He tried to pull me into his chest but I was solid. I was stiff and refused to move.

"I'm shaking in my boots," his voice dripped with humor. He loved tormenting me like this. He knew taking my daughter would hurt me more than anything else, "I won't hurt her. I actually kind of like her. She's sweet. Maybe I'll keep her."

"Tomas," I stopped another threat as Cassian pressed his hands into my shoulders. I let out a breath and then released it. I could play nice if that's what it took to keep him talking, "can I talk to her? Please?"

There was a muffled sound and then her little voice, happy as always, filled my ear, "mama!"

"Hey baby," tears filled my eyes, "are you okay? Is he being nice? Do you know where you are?"

"Ice cream!" She giggled and I heard Tomas say something to her, "I miss you. Ashian. Mama."

I closed my eyes, "I love you baby girl."

She was gone as fast as she appeared, "tell the cops they can't trace me. This was useless. Have a nice night Nesta."

He hung up and I dropped the phone back onto the counter. Cassian wrapped his arms around me as I turned, burying my face in his chest. I fell apart as I realized he wasn't bringing her home. He had my daughter and I was helpless to stop him from hurting her.

He had her in his hands and he was enjoying how much it broke me. As the tears fell onto Cassian’s shirt, I wasn't sure how much more breaking my heart could take.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with every happy chapter; comes more feels.  
> with more feels; comes more drama.
> 
> stay tuned for more!

I didn't sleep at all that night. I sat on the couch and listened as the cops tried to find them. After my phone call he shut off all devices that could be tracked. He didn’t use his credit card again, it was like he vanished from the town. The police searched his parents home, his sister’s apartment. They couldn’t find him, they had no idea where he had gone.

I felt sick every time they turned over a rock and it was empty. My heart shattered with each hour that passed and my daughter wasn’t back home with me. Cassian kept me in his arms but that didn't help. He tried to make me eat, but I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was in knots and I knew if I put anything in it it would all just come back up. So I refused.

Then he tried to get me to lay down. He thought sleep would help me, but I was stubborn. I wouldn't do what he wanted. I sat there and ignored his pleads, staring at the phone waiting for it to light up. I just wanted my little girl back.

At some point during the evening Cassian brought me Rey's dragon, the one he bought her when she was born. She never slept without it. It was a permanent fixture beside her in her bed. He named her Abraxas and she cried whenever she couldn't find him. Seeing the stuffed dragon made my heart hurt even more. My chest tightened as I wrapped my arms around the stuffed animal. Because she didn't have him, she wouldn't be in her own bed tonight.

Cassian sat back down beside me and pulled me into his lap. I laid with my body pressed against his, my head on his chest. He had his arms around my back, drawing lazy circles on the skin he found under my shirt. He had set us up for the night, he knew I wasn’t moving until Rey found her way back home. I took in a deep breath, I was exhausted. But I refused to sleep, I refused to close my eyes.

I felt his lips press against the top of my head as the only noise that played around us was the static of the radios and the cops conversing with each other about what else they could do to find him. Feyre and Rhys had gone to meet with the lawyer, and to see if one of Rhys’s friends could help search for her. 

I held Abraxas in front of me, his black fabric was worn from years of use. Years of cuddles and tears. Rey had chewed on it when she started to grow her teeth, the green eyes were faded from age. But he was loved, so loved that I couldn’t believe she would sleep an hour tonight without him.

"Do you think she's scared?" I asked quietly as he ran his fingers down my arms. My voice was soft, I hadn’t spoken in what felt like hours, "do you think he'll put her to bed? She's probably wondering where I am. She can't sleep without you or me, Cass."

The sobs started as he held me. I buried my face in his chest, "I'm sure she's okay, Tomas is a monster but she's a child. I'm sure he took her home and he'll put her to sleep. She's strong, Nesta. Like her mom."

I nodded my head, my tears staining his shirt. My heart hurt as I imagined her sleeping in his bed, or on his couch. I hated that she was even there with him, “I never saw this happening. I just wish I knew she was okay. He’s never been around a little girl. Rey, she can’t sleep without Abraxas. I can’t sleep without her.”

“Shh,” Cassian kissed my forehead as he kept running his fingers up and down my back. It was soothing, but the sobs didn’t stop as I closed my eyes and cried. I thought I was all out of tears, I thought it wasn’t possible for someone to house as many tears as fell from my eyes. But they kept falling as more fears, more scenarios played inside my head.

I held onto him tightly, "she's innocent. This is a scar she'll always carry."

Cassian sighed, "no. She won't remember it. Because we will make sure she never has to see that man again."

Focusing on Cassian's heart beat was the only thing that calmed me down. I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up in my own bed. People were talking, voices floated in and out my ears without landing in my head. My pillow was solid and warm. Words vibrated from his chest as he ran his hand up and down my back.

“No we should let her sleep,” his deep voice was quiet, “I finally got her to sleep. I’ll tell her when she wakes up.” 

Fingers ran up and down my arm. I moved against my pillow, his arms tightening around me. My chest was tight, there were dried tears in the corner of my eyes. Someone sighed, “I’ve never seen her such a mess,” Feyre’s voice carried, “that little girl is her world.”

“I know,” I listened to his heartbeat and ignored the rest of the conversation. I turned my face into his chest, breathing in his scent through his shirt.

I fell back asleep.

My dreams were filled with memories I thought I had long since buried. The night he assaulted me, the night he took away my pride. The day I found out I was pregnant and the guilt I carried when I imagined giving the baby away. I dreamt of having Rey and monsters dressed in suits taking her away from me.

The worst dream that played before I woke up was the dream that seemed normal compared to all the rest. In the dream I had Rey and we were together, Cassian was with us. But then when we were out in the front yard a lawyer came and took her away, saying her father had a right to raise her for the next two years. I had my time with my daughter and now Tomas would get his.

I woke up gasping for air and pulling on the front of Cassian’s shirt. The fabric was balled up in my fist and I realized it was just a dream as the terror seized me. It wasn’t real, Rey was mine and she would be home as soon as they found Tomas. I closed my eyes and pushed my hair out of my face. I had broken out in a sweat from that stupid dream. I wiped away the tears in my eyes and let out a slow breath.

I calmed myself down and then Feyre was yelling for me, "Nesta! She's back!"

I jumped up out of bed and ran out the door before Cassian even opened his eyes. I threw open the front door and bypassed the cops who had their guns pointed at Tomas. All I saw was Rey standing there in front of him looking terrified and closed to tears. He had his hands on her shoulders, she was standing in front of him, as if she was his shield.

I bit my lip, relief flooded through me. She was still in one piece, she looked totally unharmed. At least physically, I would never know the horrible things he said to my precious two year old. If he hurt her emotionally, that was a scar that would follow her even if she never knew it.

I hated Tomas even more.

"Rey!" Her name fell off my lips. I couldn’t take seeing her there in front of me and not have her back safe and sound in my arms. She didn’t see me at first, but then her little eyes started searching. They found me standing off to the side and she looked as relieved as I felt once she realized I was really there.

She wiggled out of Tomas’s hands and then ran towards me. She jumped into my waiting arms. I held her tightly, kissing her cheek, her forehead, her nose. I hugged her, trying as hard as I could to make sure she was still completely together. I cried as two strong arms wrapped around both of us. I turned in Cassian's arms so Rey’s back was pressed against his chest. His body shielded us from view, "she's home."

I didn't hear them read Tomas his rights. I didn't even care. I stood there with my best friend and my daughter and I ignored everything else.

"Braxas," Rey whispered as her eyes closed and opened slowly, "sweepy mama." 

I smiled and took her inside. I gave her her dragon and then she reached for Cassian. She cuddled up on his lap as he sat down on the couch. I curled up beside him, running my fingers through her hair as she closed her eyes and held onto the front of his shirt. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was terrified she'd disappear again.

"We've got her back," Cassian said quietly as he kissed my cheek, "it's all over, Nesta."

I swallowed my tears and nodded, leaning my head on his shoulder, "I'm never leaving her alone again."

Cassian laughed slightly, the tips of his fingers running down her arm the same way he soothed me. She opened her eyes and looked up at him, “Ashian,” she whispered and then turned and once again buried her face in his chest. She fell asleep in minutes, her breathing evening out as the quiet surrounded us.

Before Cassian could say anything an officer walked in and interrupted our family moment, “I’m sorry to bother you guys, I know you just got her back. But I need a statement from both of you, if you wish to press charges."

I nodded, "can we do it here? She just fell asleep."

The officer smiled and sat down on the couch across from us. He looked at her, sleeping in Cassian's lap, and his face softened, "she's beautiful, Nesta. I'm glad we got her back."

"Thank you," I whispered looking up at him, "I was a nightmare I know. But she's my baby girl. And that man. He needs to be in jail."

The officer sighed, "one at a time. He'll be put in jail overnight. Then if he posts bail he'll be released. But your statements will help move it forward. So who wants to go first?”

Cassian sat up and told the officer what happened. I kept watching Rey, her back going up and down as she stayed in Cassian's lap. She was happy and safe. He was her place, her home the same as me. The moment she was back here she felt safe with both of us. A tear slipped down my cheek as Cassian mentioned Tomas threatening me.

"Okay. That's good. Nesta."

I thought about telling him about the assault but then he would know Rey wasn't Cassian's. If he thought she belonged to Tomas he wouldn't be put in jail. I took in a deep breath and told him about the beating he gave me all those years ago and the threats he made recently. The officer wrote everything down and then nodded.

"Your daughter is strong," he smiled at us, "I'm glad you guys got a happy ending."

He left us to watch over her as she slept. Cassian looked at me and I pressed a kiss to his lips. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, as exhausted as Rey was. We both hadn't slept well being apart. I smiled as Cassian started to hum, his fingers running up and down my face as we both drifted off to sleep safe once again in his arms.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cute little fluffy chapter to relieve you of the pain from the previous one.   
> And prepare you for the feels that are yet to come.

Tomas didn't stay in jail. He posted bail and went to hide from the lawyers that came knocking. It took me a full two days to let Rey stay with anyone except me. Feyre said I was being clingy, and I knew I was. But I needed to keep her safe. I called off of work and stayed with my baby. Even Cassian stayed home the day after Tomas kidnapped her.

It was four days later when Cassian asked me to go up to Rhys's cabin with him. I told him no, because Tomas had been released and if he came back I wouldn't want Rey here with Feyre or Rhys. So he told me they were going to come up Friday. After Rhys was done work. They would bring Rey, one day away wouldn't kill me. I knew he was right, but it still scared me.

Somehow he convinced me to go. Rey put up a fuss when we were leaving. She clung to Cassian's leg and watching her cry broke my heart. She was never a clingy baby, but she was struggling with letting us walk out the door. She started crying, not her normal cry either. She sobbed as if someone had hurt her.

I couldn't believe she hadn't thrown a fit when Tomas took her. This little meltdown told me she might have actually been affected by the kidnapping. I could only hope that it wasn't permanent. I needed her to forget. I understood now why Cassian wanted everyone to meet us at the cabin tomorrow.

We all needed a break from reality.

"Ashian no go," she cried, her face was bright red. I put my hand on his arm as she wrapped her tiny arms around his legs. I was about to change my mind, to tell him that we should just bring her with us. I couldn't leave her if she was upset, if she was still dealing with what happened. I couldn't leave her alone if she was scared.

But before I could tell him we should stay, he bent down and picked her up. He wiped away a tear and kissed her cheek, "sweetie we're just going away for a day. One day, rey. You love staying with aunt Fey."

She shook her head and stuck her lip out. Her tear filled eyes passed between me and cassian. Her little hand hit his chest, "no. Mama and Ashian."

He sighed. He didn't dare look at me. He knew what he would see, she was breaking me. Cassian looked at Rey and smiled. He kissed her cheek again and then bounced her once on his hip, "what about uncle Az?"

Her lip wobbled as she calmed herself down. She rubbed her eyes as Azriel came into the room. I smiled, "you love uncle Az right? He keeps you safe."

She nodded, her eyes on Cassian, "yeah."

"What if he and Mor stay too? They'll take good care of you, Rhys and Fey and Mor and az. And Abraxos will fight off all the monsters while you sleep. So what do you say? A big sleepover, that'll be fun right?"

She sighed, "mmkay," she rubbed her eye a little harder, "love you Ashian."

He smiled, "I love you too sweetheart."

My own tear fell as I took in a deep breath. Rey reached over and hugged me tightly, "mama. Love you."

I nodded, "yeah I love you two baby girl. Behave for your aunts and uncles please."

She nodded as she reached for Azriel and he scooped her up. She hugged him tightly and I knew she felt safe with the quiet man. Everyone felt safe with him. He ran her hand down his back and she closed her eyes. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, "thank you. For watching her."

"Of course," he nodded and then Cassian pulled me out of the house before I could convince him to stay. I sighed as we got into the car. Thankfully Az didn't bring Rey to the door to see us off.

"She will be fine. You both need this time away from each other. You need to remember what it was like before Tomas scared you," Cassian grabbed my hand and pulled my thoughts back into the car.

I nodded, "I know. I just. She's never been so upset about me leaving before. She's never cried so hard."

Cassian brought our hands up and kissed the back of mine. He smiled at me, his thumb running circles over my skin, "I love Rey. But I love you too. This one day away will be good. For both of us."

I nodded, "okay. I will be good now. I promise, no more tears."

We got to the cabin by noon. I loved the cabin Rhysand shared with his cousin. It was a small little wooden place that sat in front of the beautiful lake before noon. I smiled as he pushed open the door and carried our things inside. Then he came back out and pushed my legs out from under me and carried me over the threshold.

I laughed as he set me down, "so what did you have planned for our one day of adulting?"

He pulled me into his chest and ran his hands down my sides, "I have you all to myself. We aren't leaving that bedroom until everyone else arrives."

My eyes flashed as he kissed me and then we walked to the room we would be sharing. I laughed as he closed the door and I knew he was telling me the truth. We wouldn't be leaving this room, this bed, until the little one came to the house. Because he wanted to remind me how to be loved like something other than a mother. Cassian kissed me, pressing me into the mattress as he loved me like the woman he had always known.

\---

Cassian was laying on his back with his head on the pillow and one arm thrown over his eyes. It was only a little past noon, my stomach growled. I laughed, looking at him over my arm. I was laying on my stomach, the sheet barely covering my ass. The sheet barely covered Cassian's impressive parts.

I reached over and poked him, "Cass. I'm hungry."

He grunted, "no. We aren't leaving this room," he didn't move his arm to look at me.

I whined, "but if I starve then you won't have me anymore. Food," I whispered, "please?"

He laughed as I ran my finger down his tattoo and he shivered under my touch. I always loved his tattoo, he got it when we were sixteen. It was just a bunch of black lines that twisted and swirled around his chest. But somehow it looked amazing on him. His broad chest looked fuller with that tattoo.

"Fine," he sat up and grabbed a pair of boxers.

While Cassian was gone I sent a quick text message to Feyre. It was close to dinnertime, which shocked me. I didn’t expect her to answer, I just wanted to know how Rey was doing and if everything was okay. I couldn’t stop worrying about Tomas and the fact that he wasn’t in jail. I should’ve tried a little harder to talk Cassian into bringing her with us. But I knew she was safe with Azriel, he would do anything for my little girl.

After Cassian, he was her favorite. The quiet man opened up for Rey and I had never seen someone take to her as quickly as him. She was a charmer, and she wrapped him around her tiny little finger easily. 

Cassian brought in a bowl of pasta, it was steaming. I smiled as he sat back down and handed me the food. I put my phone back on the nightstand and then my stomach growled again loudly. I didn’t take a bite just yet though, I looked at Cassian and I realized our lives would never be normal. We would never have this quiet unless we planned it. We would always be dating with a child, we would always be parents.

This was our one day free. Our one day without Rey and the worries that were back at home. He had asked me to come, to be here with him, because Tomas had ruined everything about every date we had gone on together. I put my bowl on the nightstand to let it cool and then grabbed Cassian’s hand.

"I thought you were hungry," he whispered as I climbed up on to his lap, throwing a leg over his and straddling him.

I smiled, "I was but the little one will be here soon. She steals you from me."

I ran my fingers through his hair as his hands grabbed my waist. He hissed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I never wanted to leave this room. I never wanted to be without him. I pushed my fears deep down as I brought myself back into this room. I was here with my best friend, the only true love I had ever felt in this lifetime. And I was wasting it by worrying about things that were out of my control.

I kissed him slowly, pulling on his bottom lip as I lowered myself down on his lap. I rolled my hips against his and he gasped, "why weren't we," he thrust into me and I moaned, "doing this before?"

I smiled as I twisted my hips and leaned into capture his lips again, "because we're idiots."

He picked up the pace as I gasped into his mouth. He wrapped one arm around my waist and used the other to grab the sheets. Cassian started to move faster, twisting his hips the opposite direction I twisted mine. I closed my eyes and leaned in, the pressure building in my stomach.

"Cassian," my voice was air, my words barely audible. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he sucked on the sick of my shoulder. He slowed down, a whimper escaping me. He laughed as I twisted my hips faster.

"Nesta," the moment he said my name I fell apart. I cried out as I felt myself tighten around him, the pressure letting loose. Cassian followed me, both of us collapsing onto the bed. I smiled as his chest hit mine, he was breathing heavily.

He pushed my hair out of my face, "I love you," he whispered softly.

I kissed his cheek, his nose, "I will always love you."

I pulled at the sheets and Cassian passed me my bowl. I sighed happily and feeling more than just content as we stared eating together. "Is it just me or does this taste amazing?" I asked as I ate the pasta Cassian had heated up. 

He laughed, tugging lightly on a strand of my hair, "I think we burned a lot of calories in the last few hours. Which is why you're starving."

I shook my head, pulling the sheet up around my chest. I sat between Cassian's legs, both of us covered only by the sheets. Normally I wouldn't be so comfortable, I would've pulled his shirt on my now. But after everything we had been through, this felt right. I was comfortable, safe in his arms even without my clothing. 

I took a bite and Cassian kissed my neck, "are you glad you came early with me? I know you're worrying about Rey. But you needed this as much as I did."

I nodded, "yeah. I'm glad we came on our own. Even if we didn't actually do anything other than this."

Cassian's laugh vibrated through his chest and filled me with happiness. I leaned back into his chest and set the empty bowl back on the nightstand. He placed another kiss against my neck. 

"Cass. You should eat your food," his hands slide down my sides, "get your strength back up so we can go hiking or something with the little one tomorrow."

He kept pressing a line of kissed up my collar bone. His hands slid back up, cupping my breasts that were covered by the thin sheet. My eyes closed as I melted into him.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand. Cassian's voice echoed across my skin, "don't pick it up." 

I didn't listen. I grabbed it and pressed it up to my ear, "hello?"

"'Mama!" Rey's little voice filled my ear and I smiled. I leaned far enough away from Cassian so the kisss stopped, "I goes to sweep soon."

I laughed, "yeah? Are you behaving for auntie Fey? You can give aunt Mor problems, just not aunt Fey. How about Az? You behaving for him too?"

She giggled, "Az taked me to the park," she sounded so excited, "swing on big swing. Az catch me, I jump off. Where Ashian?"

"Right here love," I put the phone speaker and he answered her. I smiled as his warm chest pressed against my back once more.

"Ashian! Mama. What you doing?"

I blushed as Cassian tried not to laugh, "eating dinner. What did you have bug?"

She started to talk about the dinner Feyre made and I missed her. I always missed Rey when we were separated. Because when she was born two years ago it was us against the world. She’s my world, my baby girl. But missing her now, it felt bigger. It was harder to know she was with someone else and believe they would watch over her the way I would. As much as I loved this time alone with my best friend, I wished my little girl was here with us. And I couldn't help but fear for her going to the park. Since Tomas had taken her I didn't want to let her do anything without me.

Once she was finished I sighed, "did aunt Fey bath you?"

"Yes," Rey knocked the phone against her mouth, "and washted my hairs. Also Rhys says yous be in other room."

I laughed as my cheeks flushed a darker shade of red, "tell Rhys," Cassian ran his fingers down my arm, "that he can mind his own business."

I heard her repeat the words and giggled as Rhys tried to take the phone, "Rey," I called out her name and then sighed, "sweetheart is Feyre putting you to bed soon?"

"Yeah. I call say goodnight."

"Okay. Goodnight sweetie. I love you," a tear slipped down my cheek, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Morrow," she repeated, "wove mama. Ashian too."

"Goodnight love," Cassian smiled as rey said goodnight once more and than Feyre told her it was time to go to bed.

We said goodbye and then Cassian took the phone from me. It was like he had known where my mind went after the line went dead and Rey was gone. He didn't waste a moment. He flipped me over, his lips crashing into mine as he hovered over me. His hands were gentle as he ran the tips of them down my cheek.

I felt my cheeks burn as he looked at me. The same look he had given me the first time we found ourselves in this position. I touched his cheek, "you didn't finish eating."

He laughed, his hands grabbing my hips, "I'm not hungry anymore."

He pressed me into the mattress and promised to stop the voices in my head. The voices that made me worry. I would see Rey tomorrow and she was safe with my sister. As Cassian kissed me I forgot about everything else, except for the way his touch set me on fire.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute fluffy family chapter. But be prepared. chapter 21 is filled with feels.

I woke up before Cassian. The sun filtered in through the blinds and I turned to look at him. I smiled at his peaceful face, his sweet snoring. I ran my finger down his cheek, his nose twitched. I smiled as I moved my legs against his and then my hand found its way over his leg.

His whole body twitched, "mmhm. Nesta."

I wrapped my hand around him and kissed his jaw. He gasped as I moved my hand slowly, "good morning," I whispered as I kept kissing down his neck.

His eyes opened and he moaned. His eyes rolled back as I kept my slow pace, his skin warm against my lips, "Nesta," he moaned my name as he tried to control himself, "everyone, Rey. They'll be here soon."

I laughed against his neck, "so I guess I should speed things up huh?"

"Yes," his breath was full of air, "Nesta. Shit."

I kissed him as I ran my thumb over the tip and his back jerked off the bed. I felt his moan seep into my lungs as he held me tightly. My own body was reacting to his pleasure. I rubbed myself against his leg as he tried to hold onto the edge I was bringing him to.

"Nesta, Nesta," he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest as he hit his high. He kissed me as he spilled himself all over my hand. His chest rose and fell quickly, "that's one hell of a way to wake up."

I laughed, "I think we need a shower," I stood up and walked to the bathroom, "don't wait too long, I'll hog all the hot water."

Somehow we got ready for the day after using all the hot water during our shower. Cassian repaid me for his wake up call, of course. Then he washed my hair gently, his fingers soothing against my scalp. Showering with him, actually showering, was more intimate than anything else we could've done together.

Everyone arrived to the house around noon.

"I'm surprised you two are dressed," Feyre said as she walked into the cabin. She had two big duffel bags with her. I was surprised Rhysand let her carry anything now that she was expecting, "Rhys owes me twenty bucks."

I rolled my eyes, but smiled as Rey came running in, "mama! Ashian!"

She jumped into my arms, so forcefully I stumbled back into Cassian's chest. He laughed as she hugged me. I knew she was still a little shaken from her encounter with Tomas. Which meant we would both be needy until we were okay with being apart. I kissed her cheek and made sure she was still in one piece. She giggled as Cassian tapped her nose.

"We don't spend all day in bed," I looked at my sister who was laughing, "thank you. For watching her."

Feyre smiled, but Rhys came in before she could reply, "damn. I owe you twenty bucks. And here I thought ten years of sexual tension meant we'd be walking in on them again."

Cassian pulled me closer by my waist. Rey touched his cheek as he wrapped his arms around us, "to be fair, we might have only got up an hour ago."

"Ha!" Rhys pointed at Feyre but she shook her head, "nope. You still lose. But don't worry," she leaned in and whispered something. I had a feeling it was about the baby.

Rhys eyes went wide and he swallowed his words. Cassian rolled his eyes, "Ashian," Rey called his name, "wim!"

He looked at me as she pulled back to look at us. I raised my eyebrows at her, unsure what was she wanted. Feyre smiled brightly, "I think she wants Ashian to take her swimming. I might have told her you were excited to teach her how to swim on the ride up.”

She nodded, "mama! Wim! Aunt Fey wim!"

Cassian smiled, "well I guess the little one has spoken. Shall we go swimming?"

I kissed his cheek, "come on let's get your bathing suit on."

Cassian didn't let me go, "don't forget yours mama."

I laughed and walked away from him shaking my head. I took Rey and her suitcase into the bedroom and set her down. Rey pulled out her pink bathing suit. She pulled her clothes off and changed without my help. I smiled at her, watching as she got the straps on and stumbled into the bottoms. She was getting so big, so independent for a two year old. I hated that she didn't need me as much.

I put sunblock on her light skin, tapping her nose as she giggled, "did you sleep well with aunt Fey?"

She nodded, "braxas and me sleeped on big cushion tent with auntie Mor and uncle Az. Uncle Rhys wouldn't let aunt Fey sweep wif us on the floor."

I smiled, "that's because auntie Fey is going to have a baby. A little boy or girl, right now they're in her tummy."

Rey's eyes went wide, "a baby?"

"Yeah. You're our big girl now, so you'll have to help us with the baby."

She smiled, "big girl."

"That's right," I sat down on the bed and pulled her into my lap. She smelled like summertime. I pushed her hair away from her face and then took in a breath. I knew she wouldn’t truly understand my question, but I wanted her to have a say. I knew no matter what I’d convince her to live with my best friend. But I wasn’t the mother who controlled everything. I wanted her to have an opinion too, "what do you think about living with Ashian? Would you like that? Having your own room, your own bed?"

She scrunched her nose, "auntie Fey."

"She would have Rhys."

Rey looked away, as if she was thinking about it. She smiled, "if braxas come too."

I laughed, "of course braxas can come. Cassian doesn't have a dragon to protect us at his house."

She nodded, "I wive wif Ashian. Mama too."

My heart settled as I realized my little girl was okay if we lived with Cassian. She already saw us as a family. I kissed her forehead, "okay. Let me get my bathing suit on."

She jumped up and I grabbed my one piece. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun and jumped when I turned around to find Cassian standing at the door. Rey giggled, his big hands grabbing for her.

"So I hear braxas and Rey are coming to watch over my house," he walked into the room with her on his hip, "and mama too."

I blushed, “Rey seems to think its a good idea."

His smile was radiant. It was the first smile that changed him from best friend to boyfriend. He leaned in and kissed me, my hands grabbing his face as Rey giggled in his arms.

"I think it's a great idea," his eyes sparkled, "I can't wait to start our life together, Nesta."

I ran my thumb over his bottom lip, "if you want to swim take her to the lake now. Or we'll end up back in that bed."

He laughed as Rey kicked her legs out, "Ashian wim!"

"Okay love," he pulled back and the air rushed in to clear my head. He flashed me another smile, "let's go get a head start. Mama will meet us out there."

He carried her out of the room and shut the door behind me. I finished changing, the smile didn't leave my face. We had made the decision, we were going to move in together. Rey was even excited about it. It felt strange, to be this happy about something so little.

I walked out back and they were all already in the water. I walked closer, the sun warming my shoulders as I fixed my bun. My life had never been normal, I never saw it coming to this moment. And yet I could never see myself without any of these people.

Someone had been looking out for me and Rey the day I decided to keep her. Someone had known how much Cassian and I would need her.

I sat down at the edge of the yard, the grass between my fingers, watching everyone. Rey would giggle and squeal as Cassian threw her up in the air and then caught her right before she met the water. Azriel had his arms around Mor's waist, tickling her as she tried to splash him. Rhysand refused to take his hand away from Feyre's stomach. I smiled, feeling nothing but happiness for my little family.

This was my family. Blood be damned I chose these people, and for some reason they chose me.

I felt content to sit there and watch them as Azriel grabbed Rey and they started to pass her back and forth. She giggled as Mor put her on her shoulders and they attacked the boys. Cassian let out fake screams as she tried to dunk him.

I wiped away a tear. Next year at this time there would be another little one. One with Feyre's eyes and Rhysand's hair if we were lucky. I looked at my sister, who was watching the boys and I could tell she was thinking the same thing. We had gotten lucky. After losing our mother and our father not giving a damn, somehow we had found a family even more beautiful, even more loyal than blood.

"Mama!" Rey called out for me as I stuck my foot in the water. It was cold.

She was still on Mor's shoulders so Cassian swam towards me, "I think that was the little ones way of saying, mama should get in with us."

I laughed as he grabbed my leg, the cold water splashing up my thighs, "it's so cold Cass."

"Don't worry sweetheart," he grabbed my waist, "I'll keep you warm."

I didn't have time to protest as he pulled me in. I screamed as the freezing water rushed into my body and hit my stomach. I wasn't wearing a bikini, I hadn't worn one since I had Rey. But it was still cold as Cassian grabbed me and forced me in. I laughed as he pressed a kiss to my temple, my feet barely touched the floor.

"Mama!" Rey giggled as Mor swung her over her shoulder and then Azriel grabbed her. She was having the time of her life, all her favorite people where watching her.

I settled into Cassian's arms beside my sister, "so I hear you're going to be a dad."

Rhys smiled, it was big and I knew he was thrilled, "yeah. Next year it'll be my turn to force aunt Nesta to watch her niece or nephew so Feyre and I can sneak in some adult time."

I laughed as Cassian looked at Feyre, "wait. You're pregnant?"

She blushed, "yeah. I was going to tell everyone at dinner."

She glared at me. I blushed, "I'm sorry. I uh. To be fair I would've told him earlier. We got distracted yesterday."

He kissed my neck and I giggled. His big hands were placed on my hips and he squeezed them gently. I let out a happy sigh as Feyre leaned back into Rhys. His hand were placed on her stomach. I knew they weren't going to move for the next seven months.

"Well this time I hope it's a boy. I love Rey, but damn there's too many women against three of us. We need another male to even the score."

Rhys laughed as Cassian looked at them. Feyre shook her head, "okay Cass. I'm sure that'll be taken into account when the doctors figure out the sex."

He smiled, "I hope so. Hey congratulations man," he grabbed Rhy's shoulder and I rolled my eyes.

"All he did was grunt and smile," Feyre gasped as I turned around in Cassian's arms, "Feyre does all the work for the next seven months."

He raised his eyebrows, "yes but if I remember correctly she'll be fiercely independent and refuse to let anyone wait on her even when she is forced onto bed rest for the last two weeks."

I blushed and Feyre laughed, "she was a monster wasn't she? I forgot about that," I rolled my eyes again.

Rhys kissed Feyre's cheek, "I don't care if she's a monster or still sweet. I'm just excited to meet our little life. Now maybe you can convince her to marry me before that life appears."

I smiled, "Feyre will be ready when she's ready," I looked at Cassian, "and I'll remember that comment for later. When you think you'll get to smile and grunt."

Cassian's face fell as I dunked him under the water and swam away. I didn't get far, a scream forced its way out of my throat as he grabbed my leg. I couldn't stop laughing as he pulled me towards him, forcing me under the water. I hadn't laughed this much, this hard, since before Rey was born.

No matter what happened next, I knew without a doubt this was where we were meant to be.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long chapter. I uh. Hope I don't hurt too many people.

Putting Rey to bed that night was easy. She was exhausted from playing. I laid down with her after her bath and she was out as soon as she laid her head down. I didn't move from the spot though, I kept watching her hoping her dreams weren't scary. Feyre said she cried out a few times last night.

Cassian finally found me and told me to come out and watch the movie with everyone else. I had changed into my own pajamas and shivered as my feet hit the cold ground. He wrapped his arms around me as we stood the far end of the couch. He set a blanket on top of me and kissed my cheek.

I couldn't focus on the movie as it started. My mind kept wandering to Rey, wondering if she remembered Tomas taking her. I kept wondering if she would be okay or if she would actually be traumatized. She was fine during the day, but nighttime scared me. She never had nightmares, but I couldn't stop whatever he had done.

I wanted to live with Cass, I knew his house was the better choice. Because Feyre and Rhysand needed my room for the baby. And he had a room for Rey to be her own. But I was afraid to move her now that Tomas had taken her. I was afraid it would scare her more.

I didn't even know what the movie was about. My mind kept wandering between Rey and Cassian. I couldn't sit still, I kissed his cheek. His hand was on my thigh, his dark eyes went around the room. Finally he sighed and smiled up at me.

"You have to be quiet," he whispered softly.

"What?" I asked confused as he ran the tips of his finger up my legs. After he pushed aside the fabric of my underwear I gasped. I didn't let the air brush past my lips though, I stayed silent as he slipped a finger inside me of.

I bit my lip as hard as I could without drawing blood. Cassian was smiling as I struggled to keep my moans inside. My head fell back onto his shoulder as he twisted his finger at the same time he slipped another one in.

My breathing stopped, "who picked this movie?" He asked without breaking concentration, "because it sucks."

Azriel laughed across the dark room, "well if you two would stop making out every five seconds you might be able to follow the plot."

I leaned into his chest and pressed my lips against his cheek. I gasped, my eyes closing as my hips started to meet his fingers as he moved tortuously slow. My mouth fell open, my toes curled. Between the thrill of doing this in the same room as everyone else and the pleasure that was trying to uncoil inside my stomach I was about to explode.

I felt Cassian flinch underneath me. Suddenly I didn't want his fingers to undo me. I looked at him, pressing my lips to his as his thumb brushed against the sensitive bundle of nerves. I whimpered against his lips. He seemed satisfied with the way he made me come undone so easily.

I shook my head, "I should go check on Rey," my voice was practically air. Cassian removed his fingers and I stood up.

My legs still supported me thankfully. My heart was going crazy and I just needed him to finish what he started. I could see he wanted to too as he adjusted the bulge under the blanket.

"I should help," he pushed the blanket off and followed me out of the room.

I heard them all laughing as we left. It was Mor who sighed loudly, "we've created monsters."

Once we were away from the living room Cassian grabbed my waist and pushed me against the wall. I spun around in his arms as his hand slid up to my chest and I grabbed his lips with mine. I moaned as he pressed against me, already needing him.

"As hot as that was," I rolled my hips against his, "I need you to finish what you started."

He laughed as he picked me up, his hands slipping under my ass. I wrapped my legs around his waist, his teeth pulling against the soft skin of my neck. He moved backwards, carrying me into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. He set me down on the counter, our moans echoing off the walls.

We didn't care this time if we could be heard. Because they already knew what we were doing, they already knew how we felt about each other. I smiled as he slipped inside of me. I would never tire of this, of him. I moaned his name loudly as I gave myself to him. Nothing would ever be as beautiful as making love with your best friend.

\---

Being at the cabin was like finding our own little bubble. The five of us were happy to forget about the horrors of Rey's kidnapping. Even she seemed happier as we spent our days swimming and playing outside. It was a nice change, a peaceful bubble we found.

I curled up in Cassian's side. Rey had her own bedroom here. I smiled as he pulled me in closer, my eyes opening to find his still closed. I smiled, running the tips of my fingers down his cheek. He looked so young, so much like the boy I had met years ago when he was sleeping. His nose twitched under my touch.

I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his chin. I felt his body relax as he woke up. His arms tightened around my waist as I kept kissing him. His chest was warm, bare and beautiful in front of me. I slid my fingers up his skin and then they found their home tangled up in his dark hair.

"I love you," I whispered as I pressed my lips to his. He smiled against my words.

His hands slid to my waist, "I love this," I pulled back and he opened his eyes. They were filled with a combination of sleep and lust, "waking up to you, smiling and warm. I'll never get tired of it."

I pressed my cold feet against his legs. He hissed, "okay maybe that."

I laughed as I laid my head on his chest, "this moment feels to surreal to last."

He laughed slightly. He knew something he wasn't telling me. His fingers danced across my skin. I didn't want to leave our bubble. I wanted to stay here forever and never leave. I wanted to live here with Rey and Cassian, happy and in love.

"Do you want kids?" I asked quietly thinking about Feyre and how happy Rhys was.

Cassian kissed my temple, "I love kids. I never really thought about having my own, but when you had Rey I couldn't see my life without her. I'd love to give her siblings."

I smiled slightly, "when Feyre told me she was pregnant I thought of having more kids," I blushed as he looked down at me, "your kids."

He nodded, "yeah. And what did you think?"

I sat up, my hair spilling over his chest. I ran my finger down his chest, "I think I want a little boy would looks just like you. I want to watch you raise our child, Cass."

He leaned in and kissed me, "no matter what a blood test tells me, Nesta, rey is our child. I've never thought otherwise."

I blushed, "I know. I just wished I saw you in her face. Although she makes the same expressions as you," he gave me a smirk and wiggled his eye brows, "like that one right there."

He laughed and grabbed me, pulling me closer. He kissed me softly, "we don't have to decide now. We can wait, but I want that life with you. I told you, you're it for me. Whether it's just you, me and Rey. Or if you want to add ten more little ones to the brood. I just want to spend my life with you."

I smiled shaking my head, "I wouldn't add ten more," I laughed, "maybe one or two," I couldn't stop the image that entered my head. Holding a tiny little boy with dark hair.

I snuggled into Cassian's chest dreaming about our future family. I ran the tips of my fingers over his chest, tracing the lines and swirls of the dark tattoo that was there. I sighed, remembering the day he came home and showed me the tribal marks. At first I had been upset, he went without me to get something marked into his skin. We had always promised each other if we got something like this we would go together. But now I’ve grown to love them, they’re marks that he chose, marks he said that represented the people in his life.

They looked beautiful etched into his tan skin. I closed my eyes, my hand stopped at his heart. He covered my tiny hand with his, "as much as I love this they're going to interrupt soon."

I looked at him confused, "why?"

"Because," the door opened and Rey came in. She was wearing a pretty light pink dress, "I asked them to."

"Mama! Up!" She clapped her hands and then climbed onto the bed between us, "mama pretty."

Cassian grabbed her before she could climb on me, "you look pretty rey."

"Ashian dressed me," I raised an eyebrow at him and he blushed, "now make mama pretty."

Cassian sat up and leaned in to kiss me, "just remember that I love you," he whispered as the door opened again and Feyre came walking in, Mor following close behind.

"Get up! Cassian get out," Mor smiled as rey reached for her.

I stood up and they pushed me into the chair facing away from the mirror on the wall. I let out a breath as Cassian gave me one final glance, a small smile on his face, as he left wearing only a pair of boxers. I was wearing his shirt. 

Feyre smiled, "so Cassian asked us to doll you up today."

"Why?"

Mor smiled, "you'll find out soon. Now sit still."

"Makeup!" Rey crawled onto my lap and Mor handed her a brush to pretend she was brushing blush across my cheeks. I smiled as I closed my eyes and let them have their way with me.

I leaned back in the chair and held my daughter as my sister started brushing my hair, "this isn't necessary."

Mor's eyes sparkled, "oh but it is, Nesta. Just wait."

Feyre gave her a look that told her to shut up. Feyre ran her fingers through my hair and I felt her curling it. Rey fell asleep halfway through pretending to do my makeup so Mor took over. I was turned away from the mirror so I couldn't see anything.

"So Nesta. Tell me about how you and Cassian met," Mor kept her voice soft.

I laughed, "we were babies. Our moms put us in the same crib one day, because Cassian's asshole of a father left and she needed help. So he started to stay with us a lot. I beat him up whenever he took my stuff. Then as we got older I beat up all the boys who made fun of him for not having a father."

Mor smiled at me, "Cassian is a lucky bastard," she tapped my cheek, "you look beautiful."

I blushed and then Feyre sighed, "I remember when I met Cassian. He used to carry me around just like he does Rey. But he was smaller, no muscles or balance," we both laughed at the memory of him, "he was always a big brother to me. But then he beat up Roger Gilmore for hitting on me. He said he wasn't just Nesta's best friend, but my friend too."

"He's a good guy," I whispered as I pressed a kiss against Rey's temple, "I should've seen it sooner."

Always solid, always there. Cassian was more apart of my family than my parents. Feyre even saw it, we knew him better than we knew Elain most days. Because he was loyal, he was someone who believe in the value of his word. I have no idea what I ever saw in Tomas. Because Cassian was a million times better, he was safe.

Maybe I needed to get out and sow my wild oats first. Maybe my string of bad relationships prepared me for the security of Cassian's arms. I hugged Rey closer, she was the only good thing to happen before I found Cassian.

Because she had brought us together, made us even closer than before.

I looked at Mor as she applied my makeup, "how did you meet Azriel?"

She shrugged, "I went into the bookstore one day and he was there, in the back of an aisle reading this children's book to himself. He looked so quiet, so sad. I went back a few times and he was always there, reading book after book in the kids section. So I went over one day and asked why."

I smiled. Poor Azriel, he had such a worse childhood than all of us, "he told me he was teaching himself to read faster. He said reading picture books was easier, he understood them better. I sat with him and listened as he read, and as shy as he is it just stuck. I found out after a few of our little dates that he already knew Rhysand, my cousin.”

I smiled, "he's lucky to have you Mor. Azriel is sweet, he came to the cafe and lobbied for Cassian when I was upset with him. I've never met three men as loyal as ours."

Feyre squeezed my shoulder, "we're all lucky."

Mor looked at my sister, "and now Im getting my very own niece or nephew to spoil. I can't wait to see how beautiful my cousin's baby will be."

I wiped away a tear before it ruined my makeup, "they will be adorable."

"How come you aren't ready to get married yet?" Mor kept her voice low. But she was asking the question we were all wondering.

Feyre shrugged, "I don't know. I don't want to get married just because we're having a baby. This isn’t the fifties you know? I want to get married because we love each other, because it's what we both want. But Rhys told me last year it wasn't the right time. Not with the company and our lives. He said he wanted to marry me, but later, after work settled. Now with the baby I think he's rushing."

I sighed, "the right time will never come, Feyre. If you keep waiting for it you'll be waiting forever. If you truly love him then the right time is now," I touched her hand, "you're my little sister, I'll stand beside you no matter what. But you and Rhysand, you're the reason I trusted myself enough to give Cassian a chance. Because I always wanted a relationship likes yours."

She smiled and leaned down and hugged my shoulders. Mor joined in and then it was just the three of us there in my room in a giant hug. Rey was still sleeping soundly in my arms, but she was as much apart of it as the rest of us.

Feyre sighed and stood back up. She wiped a tear off her cheek, "I think she should wear the green dress. It'll make her eyes pop."

Mor bit her lip, "I don't know. Cassian loves blue."

"Guys. What am I wearing a dress for?"

"Nope," Mor shook her head, "we're not telling you. Now. You choose, green or blue?"

I bit my lip, "um. Green."

Feyre smiled and nodded as they finished with my hair and Mor said my makeup was done. Rey woke up as Feyre brought the dress out. It was a deep green, the back of the dress was complete lace. It fell above my knee, the corset like top hugged all the right places. I knew Cassian would love it. I changed and then they decided it was time. Rey smiled as she took my hand and walked beside me.

"Mama pretty," she smiled as the girls lead me towards the back doors. There were Christmas lights lining the banisters of the deck. There were rose petals lining the floor. Rhysand and Azriel stood on either side of the door smiling. Both of them were dressed nicely too. 

Feyre stood up and kissed Rhys, "is he ready?"

Rhys nodded, "yes. Nesta, he's been waiting for you."

Rhys squeezed my hand and then I turned to look at Azriel. He took a step towards me, giving me a small hug before I stepped out of the sliding doors. I walked out into the backyard slowly, my heart pounding with every step. I walked off the wooden deck and found Cassian standing in the middle of the year. The sun was warm, the sky was bright blue. It was a perfect day, a perfect moment it seemed. Cassian looked handsome in his button down shirt. 

My breath caught in my throat as he turned to face me. "Nesta," Cassian stood facing away from the water, facing me. I let out a breath as he smiled. He took my hand and then turned me away from the house.

"Cass, what is all this?"

He smiled and then he squeezed my fingers, "I think you'll like this surprise. Nesta we've been best friends for as long as I can remember. I watched you grow up, fight the boys who made fun of me. I watched you date losers and get your heart broken. All the while waiting for the day when I could finally tell you the truth. But then you had Rey and I didn't think that day would ever come."

There were tears in his eyes. But he was smiling, "Cassian."

He shook his head, "I'm not done yet. Then you had Rey and suddenly I loved you even more. Because you made the hardest decision of your life and you asked me to be there for you, to help you. And you gave me a gift I never knew I wanted. A little girl who looks just like you."

I reached up and wiped a tear off his cheek. He kept smiling as he knelt down on one knee, "I wasn't going to give you a big sappy speech, because we aren't those people. But I want you to know these last two months have been the happiest of my life. I don't want them to end. So, Nesta, will you marry me?"

I gasped, my hands flying to cover my mouth. I couldn't speak, this was not what I was expecting. I laughed slightly as he held out the beautiful vintage ring. It was everything I had always gushed about when I looked at jewelry. The ruby sparkled in the sun.

I nodded, "yes," I finally said, "yes I'll marry you."

Cassian slipped the ring on my finger and then stood up and wrapped his arms around me. Rey came running over as he kissed me. Cassian picked her up and hugged us both.

"Mama," she giggled as she looked at my ring, "mama loves Ashian."

"Yeah," I nodded as I leaned into my new little family, "mama loves Ashian. And you."

I heard Feyre and Mor crying in the doorway. I heard the click of a camera as Cassian kissed my temple and I shook my head. I had never been happier, I had never felt like the world was finally on our side. Like I would finally be happy and find the life I had been waiting for.

But the moment shattered as quickly as it had appeared.

"Well. What a picture perfect moment," he was drunk. His words slurred. Cassian held Rey tighter, he was facing him. I turned around and my eyes went wide. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. He had a gun pointed at us.

"Tomas," I kept my voice level, "what are you doing here?"

He laughed, "you thought you could keep me in jail? I didn't think you were that stupid. But I found out something the day Rey and I had our little adventure," she whimpered in Cassian's arms. He passed her to Rhys, "she's not just your daughter. She's mine."

"No," I shook my head. Cassian tried to step in front of me but I pushed on his arm. I wouldn't let him cover me, "she's not. You assaulted me. That does not mean you are her father."

He laughed, "well the DNA test says I am. So I figure since you won't let me have her I won't let him have you," he paused, “and then I’ll get to have my daughter too.”

I shook my head, “no I have a very specific will. If anything happens to me Feyre gets her,” I took in a breath and tried as hard as I could to stay calm. He wouldn’t get my baby, not even if he killed me here today.

He smiled, “yeah? Well I have some pretty high paid lawyers who can find a way to make sure Feyre looks too crazy to care for a child. So who then? You aren’t actually married to that brute,” he motioned the gun towards Cassian, “which means I will get her. And you’ll be dead, no say. Nothing.”

I closed my eyes, I had to stay calm. This is what he wanted, to rattle me. To scare me beyond belief so I left him have some of visitations with my daughter. I would never let him take her places, try to pretend to be a father. Because he didn’t deserve a relationship with her. He didn’t deserve anything.

"Tomas don't do this," I took a step towards him. Cassian took a step towards the door, thankfully helping Rhys take Rey inside, "please. I'll do whatever you want."

"Tell me Nesta, did you ever love me?"

I took in a breath, "yes," I whispered softly, "at least I thought I did. But you changed, I changed. That is life."

He moved the gun and scratched his head with the barrel, "and yet you love him? The man who hasn't changed in ten years?"

I smiled, "actually he's changed quiet a lot. But that doesn't matter. Don't do this Tomas, don't ruin your whole life because you think you still love me. You don't love me, you never did."

He looked at me, his eyes glossy, as if he didn't understand what I was saying. The gun dropped down to his side, "I did love you. I loved you so much but you wouldn't let me."

I bit my lip and stepped closer. I had to get him away from my family. The weight of Cassian's ring reminded me I needed to fight. I needed to protect them.

"Okay. But we were kids, Tomas."

"You never told me about her," his voice broke, "she's half of me too."

I shook my head. I would lie about myself, my feelings, until I was blue in the face. But I wouldn’t lie about my daughter so he could feel better about himself, "no. She is my daughter, Cassian's daughter. Not yours. Not ever yours. I'm sorry Tomas."

Something snapped. He brought the gun back up and looked behind me, "I guess I'm sorry too. Sorry I had to do this."

He pointed the gun at me. I didn't have a moment to think as he squeezed the trigger. It was aimed right at my heart. Feyre screamed, Mor was holding Rey inside. I waited for the bullet to hit me, but the pain never came.

No instead I heard a grunt and then Cassian flew in front of me. 

"No!" I screamed as the bullet hit him. He fell to the ground his hand pressed against his chest. Time seemed to stop as I realized what had just happened. I knelt beside him, grabbing his hand. Blood pooled on his chest, "Cass, stay with me. Keep your eyes open."

He sighed, blood started dripping down his chin. The bullet would've hit my heart. It was situated right under his, "Nesta. I love you."

I shook my head and pressed my hands against his chest. I tried to stop the bleeding, I tried to do something that would save him. But I knew I wouldn't be able to save him. I couldn't do this without him then. I didn't want him to take that bullet for me.

Not if it meant he wouldn't survive.

Azriel went after Tomas. He got the gun and Rhysand landed a few choice punches as I tried to save Cassian. They were avenging their brother, I couldn't put him back together. A tear slipped down my cheek, my heart shattering inside my chest. He had to survive this. 

"No. hold on, please help is coming. Stay with me, you promised. You promised you wouldn't leave me." He ran his thumb over the ring he had slipped onto my finger only moments ago. The words he said were still inside my head, begging me to hold onto hope.

He wouldn't die. Not like this. This wasn't how our story was supposed to go. His hand reached up and touched my cheek, "kiss me."

I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him, willing him to stay with me. I let out something between a breath and a sob as I pulled away. Cassian closed his eyes and passed out as the ambulance arrived. Azriel had to pull me away so they could get to him.

I climbed into the ambulance, "Rey."

Feyre nodded, wiping away her tears, "we've got her."

"Thanks. Keep her here until," I didn't finish my sentence but my sister understood. She knew I didn't want Rey to come until I found out what happened. Until fate decided which hand it wanted to play and I ended up with a broken heart.

The door slammed shut and I grabbed Cassian's hand. I fell onto the bench and watched as the paramedics tried to but my best friend back together again.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I didn't break anyone's heart too badly =)

The ring was beautiful, it sparkled in the harsh lights of the hospital. The light cracked and splintered against the wall as I twisted my hand. It was a diamond cut ruby, surrounded by more diamonds. It was vintage, the band twisted into a beautiful display of braids. It fit perfectly on my finger and I knew Cassian had searched long and hard to find something like this. This wasn't man made. This ring had a story, a life before mine.

Even when I thought he hadn’t, he had been listening to me. I used to tell him stories about black and white movies, about the things I loved and hated. I used to tell him about my mother’s ring, the one my father had given to her from his grandmother. I told him that meant more than a diamond. A ring with a story, a ring that was passed down between generations was even more special than the others. Because it was the symbol of a love that created that line.

Cassian had been listening. He had been taking notes. I still didn’t deserve him, but I made a promise sitting there in the hospital. I would never stop trying to be worthy of a male as patient and kind as my best friend.

Once the pain would less, the guilt set in. If I had only put him in jail he first time. If I had tried harder to keep him away. Once again my stupid pride, my stubbornness was the reason why this had all happened. I had been right when I told Azriel I didn't deserve to be happy. And Cassian didn't deserve to get hurt for loving me.

I wiped away a tear, staring at the doors waiting for someone to come out. I leaned my elbows on my knees, the nervous tick of it bouncing didn’t bother me. I kept staring, willing someone to find me and give me information about his condition. But no one came to tell me anything. No nurses, not doctors came to reassure me that my best friend, the man I thought I'd call my husband, would be okay.

I looked down at my shaking hands and saw his blood. They were still covered, it was drying even over my ring. Cassian's blood. The blood I tried to stop from flowing out of him while he bled in the middle of the yard. After he asked me to marry him. After Tomas shot him.

I couldn't process it. I couldn't process the fact that this had actually happened. It had to be a bad dream. I had to wake up and find him beside me, the nightmare shattering around me. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't wake up. I couldn't shatter the nightmare.

Because somehow my worst fear had become reality.

Cassian's heart stopped in the ambulance. The young paramedic gasped, her eyes wide as she realized what had happened. He died, for a full minute he stopped being here with me. For sixty seconds I knew what it felt like to feel your soul cut in half.

When they restarted his heart I finally let out the breath I was holding. I knew in that minute I couldn't do this without him. He was the only person I could count on. The only person I had ever let myself need.

If he died I would be broken beyond repair. And Tomas knew that as well as I did.

That was why he went after me. He wanted to destroy Cassian, he wanted to take away the happiness we had found. By hurting me Cassian would be broken and so would Rey. He would be hurting our daughter, in a way he would never be able to fix. Tomas didn’t think through his actions, he put a bullet in Cassian’s chest.

He stopped his heart and mine in a single moment. It would’ve hurt less if I had been the one to get shot. 

I had no concept of time. Hours, minutes, days could’ve passed and I didn’t realize it. Time stopped for me as I waited to hear about the fate of my soul. I hadn’t moved an inch in my chair when the waiting room doors opened and someone said my name. I looked up to find Mor and Azriel running in. Mor looked at me, her face streaked with black mascara. She looked at upset as I did. I let out a slow breath, but the tears wouldn't stop.

"Nesta."

I shook my head, "no one will tell me what's happening. No one."

She looked down at the blood on my hands. Her eyes glanced at Azriel and then she looked back at me, "come let's get you washed up," Mor pulled on my hands.

"I can't. What if they come out?" 

She gave me a small smile, "five seconds. It will taken us less than a minute. They won't come out in that time. Plus Az is here."

She squeezed my hand and I stood up. I had no more fight left in me.

I let her lead me to the bathroom. The blood fell off under the warm water. It swirled around and went down the drain, a muddy mess of brown water reflected back at me in the sink. 

Mor ran her thumb over my ring, "Cassian spent so much time looking for this. And yet when Feyre and I suggested designing one he said no. Nesta has to have something old, with a story."

I didn’t have the strength to smile. More tears filled my eyes, "what if he doesn't make it Mor?"

She shook her head and cupped my cheek, "he will make it. He will come back to you."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," I whispered before leaving the bathroom and returning to my chair in the lobby. I twisted my ring around my finger.

I didn't want this life, that future, without him.

Once we got back to the waiting room a doctor came out, "you here for the Moten kid?"

I stood up, "yes. He's my fiancé."

"The bullet didn't hit any major organs. He's lucky, but it's still inside. It's situated near his spine. We can do surgery to get it out but there is a small chance he won't walk again. If we leave it in he will live but with pain."

Azriel came up beside me. I let out a slow breath, Cassian wouldn't be able to walk. He wouldn't scoop Rey up in his arms and swing her around. He wouldn't be able to be the man he had always been. And I knew that he wouldn't want to live that way.

"Do the surgery," I said quietly, "please save him."

The doctor nodded, "I will find you as soon as we're done."

He left and I fell back into the chair. I closed my eyes, my fingers twisting his ring. My heart was pounding, the only thing I could hear was the guilt, the pain, the fear that coursed through me. All I could do now was wait. To find out if the man I loved would survive. But now I waited to hear if he would be the same man who stood there hours ago and asked me to marry him.

Or if he would be someone different, someone with pain to match my own. I wouldn't be able to handle the pain if he was broken. Because I had done this. I had hurt him, even if Tomas had pulled the trigger.

This was my fault. And if Cassian didn't survive it, then I would never be able to forgive myself.

Azriel put his hand on my arm, “he’s going to be okay, Nesta. He’s going to walk out of this hospital right to you and Rey and you’ll forget this ever happened. He’s strong, Cassian is the strongest man I’ve ever known.”

I nodded, “yeah. I just. This is my fault. If I had pressed charges the first time, if I hadn’t let him take Rey. If he never found out,” tears were streaming down my face as Azriel pulled me into him. He let me cry into his shirt, Mor sitting on the other side of me, running her hand up and down my back gently.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat there like that. But I knew the sun had set, it was dark outside. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should call Feyre and check on my daughter. But I couldn’t move, my body wouldn’t let me move out of this chair until I knew that Cassian was on his way to recovering. I stayed there in Azriel’s arms, my tears slowing down, as we watched the seconds tick by waiting to hear about the fate of our best friend.

—

Hospitals are quiet and eerie at night time. There's a smaller staff and the lights seem to flicker more often. No one looks at you, they don't want to see the fear, the pain in your eyes. Because they know  you're waiting for life changing news. Be it a birth or a death, everyone knows you're there for a reason.

It's like the calm before the storm, waiting to see what damage will be caused. I hate sitting and waiting. I hate wondering if Cassian will survive. But I won't leave my seat, not even when Mor tells me to go eat, to go home and sleep. To see if Rey needs me. I can't leave.

Not until I know he'll be okay. 

For hours we’re the only people in the lobby waiting. People come and go, they get seen by the doctors or rushed in, but they don’t stay. The hours keep moving, seconds keep turning into minutes and we are a permanent fixture in the waiting room. The doors never open, the doctor never comes to see us. It’s just the three of us waiting to see if Cassian will make it through the surgery.

It’s close to midnight when my phone vibrates. Feyre sending me a message about Rey, that she’s okay but worried about Ashian. I know I should reply, answer my sister’s question about how he’s doing. But my fingers don’t seem to work, they’re stiff and refuse to type. Tears fill my eyes as I look at the screen. My little girl is scared, worried about the man who has become her father.

It wasn’t just me who would break if he didn’t make it. It was Rey who would be crushed as well.

Earlier, before the silence settled around us, Azriel told me they arrested Tomas and he wouldn't post bail this time. He would be left in jail, he wouldn't be let out. Because he was being charged with attempted murder along with the kidnapping charge from last week. No lawyer, no matter how good, would be getting him off for a while.

It didn't help. Even if he was in jail now I was still waiting for my fiancé to survive a life altering surgery. I was waiting to know if my family would be the same when we left this hospital. Tomas being in jail meant nothing.

Because Cassian was still laying in a hospital bed bleeding.

More hours pass before the doctor finally came back out. He looked tired but he smiled as I stood up. He pulled his mask off, "the surgery went well and he should make a full recovery. He's strong, I'll give him that. You can go back and see him.”

Relief rushed through me. He was going to be okay. He was going to pull through this and open his eyes. Then I would yell at him, tell him how foolish and reckless he was for stepping in front of that bullet. I would scold him and hold him responsible for the pain I had endured. But for now I would be grateful.

"Thank you," I whispered as I shook his hand. Azriel grabbed me before I fell. He hugged me as Mor grabbed my hand.

"He's going to be okay," I whispered softly. 

We walked back to the room. Azriel and Mor stopped outside, nodding for me to go in first. They knew I needed a moment alone to really believe this was real. I took in a breath and pushed open the door. I thought my tears were all gone, but they came back the moment I saw him there in that bed. He was surrounded by machines. He was breathing on his own, his chest rising and falling steadily the way it did whenever we fell asleep together.

A sob escaped my throat as I all but fell into the chair next to him. His shirt was gone, it had been replaced by a large white bandage across his chest. There was blood on the edges, but I knew underneath he would bare a scar. A scar that told the story of the day he saved my life, the day he took a bullet for me. I wiped away a tear as I ran my finger over his tattoo.

It didn’t seem possible that only hours ago I was tracing his tattoo in the morning light of our room, tangled up in his sheets. It didn’t seem possible that so much could happen within such a short time. That only a single minute could threaten to take away the life we had promised to share together.

Slowly I picked up his hand. His callouses were still fresh and yet they were the same hands I always craved to touch me. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, realizing that he was out of the woods. He would wake up, he would walk again. He would leave this hospital in one piece, unlike the way he had come in. My best friend, my future husband, was going to survive the evil that had tried to ruin us.

I held his hand tightly in mine as I opened my eyes. I looked at him sleeping and smiled, "come back to me Cassian. You promised me a life, a family. You can't leave me now.”

The door opened and I nodded to my friends. They walked into the room and I heard Mor gasp when she saw Cassian laying there. He looked worse than he ever had before, I’ll give her that. But seeing him so vulnerable, so weak, compared to the strong solid warrior we had always known, it was a shock. Because he had always been there, always been the force that protected us. This version of him, laying in a hospital bed, it was hard to see.

We were all quiet as we took our time with him. Visitation hours were soon over, but the nurse said I could stay. She saw the ring on my finger, Mor explained the proposal. So she offered to set up a cot and let me stay here until he woke up. I would’ve thanked her if I wasn’t so afraid to use my voice. I was afraid I would break down again and I didn’t want him to wake up to see me crying.

Azriel and Mor left as soon as the nurse told them it was time. Mor kissed my forehead and Az squeezed my shoulder gently. I thanked them for staying with me, for making sure I was okay. Mor promised she would tell Feyre I was staying here and help with Rey. I told them to bring her in the morning. Now that he was in the clear I knew she would want to see him.

I settled into my chair and kept holding his hand. I watched the rise and fall of his chest, wondering if he was dreaming. If he could even dream wherever he was. I ran my thumb across the back of his giant hand. I wouldn’t let go, not until he opened his eyes.

“And to think you had the perfect proposal all planned out,” I whispered as I leaned in and kissed his cheek, “but you couldn’t let it be all about me. You had to go and get yourself hurt.”

I smiled, envisioning him laughing at my attempt at a joke. I sighed, thinking about all the times he had promised to do exactly what he had done in that yard. He had saved my life, he had taken a bullet so Rey wouldn’t lose me. But what he didn’t realize was that I couldn’t lose him. 

“I know you don’t believe me, because I’m a stubborn horrible woman, but I need you Cass,” my voice broke as I fought the urge to climb into the bed and curl up beside him. I couldn’t jostle him, he needed to heal without me clinging to him, “I will always need you.”

I slid my chair closer, propping my legs up on the bed. I brought our hands up and laid them over my heart. I drifted off to sleep listening to the machines that played the melody of his heart. The music that meant he was still here, beside me.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are nearing the end of this journey. Super excited to share where it goes.  
> Thanks for taking the journey! and thanks for the comments and the love =)

I didn’t sleep for long. I woke up when Feyre and Rey came into the room bright and early. Rhysand was there but he stayed quiet, looking at his friend in the bed with wide eyes. I knew he felt the same way I did, this wasn’t Cassian. He was never broken, never under the weather. He was our warrior, the brute who took care of us. To see him this way, it was unnerving. Rhysand didn’t stay for long, but Feyre offered to sit with me.

She got Rey settled down and I tried to wake myself up. I didn’t move from my chair, but Rey kissed my cheek and asked about Ashian. Her eyes were staring at him sleeping. This was something she had never seen, the man who had always protected her was in pieces. The man who always smiled and thought the world of her wouldn’t open his eyes.

My daughter was scared, I could see it in her eyes as she stared at him. I was just as scared but I had to put on a brave face. So I took in a deep breath and tried to think of something that would make her feel better. To make her believe that Cassian would wake up and tickle her once more.

So I told Rey that Cassian was sleeping and he needed a princess to wake him up. Then when she started to talk to him, she didn’t stop. She told him about aunt Fey getting sick because of the baby. She told him how Rhys was always there and stole one of Cassian's shirts. She told him about her day and how she missed him.

Hours passed, time kept moving forward. Life was moving on while my world was falling apart. I was pretty sure the sun had set and was going to come back up again soon. I laid my head down on my arms, listening to my daughter as the exhaustion from the day all hit me. I had gotten engaged, been happier than ever before, then watched my fiancé, my best friend, get shot

To say it had been a long day wasn't enough to encompass the emotions I had gone through.

My heart slowed down as I closed my eyes. Sleeping in a chair was horrible and my back hurt, my neck ached. I needed to lay down, I needed to actually sleep. But my mind wouldn’t stop racing, my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. I sighed as Rey’s voice started to help me drift off. My hand was still in Cassian's when I felt his fingers move.

My head whipped up faster than I ever thought possible. My eyes flew open and there he was, opening those beautiful brown eyes of his. His eye lashes fluttered against the florescent lights. He winced slightly as he tried to adjust himself in the bed. My mouth fell open slightly as he squeezed my hand gently and then Rey realized what was happening.

"Ashian!" Rey squealed as she climbed up onto the bed. He coughed as she reached for him.

"Careful," I sat up all the way as I felt tears fill my eyes, "he's fragile Rey."

She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I saw tears in the corner of his eyes as he held her, "mama said you need a princess to wake you."

I smiled as she touched his cheek and he nodded, "yeah," he nodded, "and you woke me.”

I smiled at the little moment, my daughter relieved to see my best friend’s eyes open. I watched as he realized he was still here with us, he was okay and he was breathing on his own. He was in one piece and his eyes flashed to me. He seemed to relax further when he saw I was too. He hugged Rey, then pressed a sweet kiss to her cheek before she pulled away.

"Wove you Ashian," she kissed his cheek as the door opened. 

Feyre gasped, "Cassian! You're awake."

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. I was so happy to see his eyes open, to feel him holding my hand. He looked at me and the tears fell. Feyre grabbed Rey as she climbed off the bed. I heard her usher her out the door. But I didn’t look away, my eyes were glued to Cassian. I couldn’t believe it, I thought I was caught up in another dream.

"Nesta," he said my name and I broke. The tears turned into sobs as I climbed into the bed where Rey had just been. I hugged him, trying to be gentle and avoid his chest. I couldn’t stop myself from kissing his cheek. I was gentle, but I needed to know this was real.

"Don't ever do that again," I whispered as he looked at me, "don't jump in front of the bullet for me. I don't want to do this without you."

He sighed, "I wasn't going to let him shoot you," he ran his thumb across my cheek, wiping away my tears, "I'm sorry. I saw the gun and I had to save you. Rey needs you."

"She needs you too," I whispered, "but I need you, Cass. You're the only person I'll ever need."

He pressed a kiss to my forehead as I leaned into him. The sobs started to slow down as he held me, "how long was I out?"

"A day. Give or take. But on the way to the hospital, they lost you. I can't tell you how scared I was when you flatlined. I thought I was going to be sick, I thought I'd never recover --"

Cassian pressed his lips to mine and stopped the words that were tumbling out. He kissed me softly, slowly, as if he was relearning me. Then he pulled back and held my gaze.

"You will never lose me. I promise Nesta, I will always find you."

I nodded, leaning into him as I gave up the fight. I was exhausted and now that he was awake I could actually relax. I closed my eyes as he kissed my temple, his arm going around me. I knew the doctor would come in soon and tell me to move.

But for now all I needed to feel his strong arms around me. I needed to remember what it felt like to be safe. 

——

The doctors kept Cassian for another day to run tests and help him stretch his legs. I stayed beside him until they kicked me out. They wouldn’t give me more special treatment now that he was awake, so my cot was gone. I took Rey home, Feyre was a godsend even with her morning sickness. Between her and Rhysand taking turns picking her up from the hospital and watching her for me I knew I owed them a lot. I owed them a year of babysitting without complaint.

Finally after endless amounts of tests, they were releasing him. I signed the papers and helped him out of bed. He was weak, his breathing shallow. They said he had to work on getting his strength back up. I didn't bring Rey with me. I knew she'd try and make him carry her and that wasn't possible at the moment.

"Ready to go home?" I asked kissing his cheek as the nurse got behind his wheelchair. They had spent the last hour talking to me about his medicine and what to do for the pain if he felt any. They also told me he needed to push himself but not too hard.

He grabbed my hand and nodded, "I've been more than ready to take you home."

The nurse smiled at us as we walked together. I couldn't explain how easy it felt to breathe now that he was out of the woods. He was going to recovery, he was going to heal completely and be the man I always knew him to be. He would carry Rey and tickle me as I ran up the stairs. He wasn't missing any part of him. Tomas hadn't broken us.

I drove Cassian's truck to the hospital. They told me it would be easier for him to get into the high vehicle than into my little car. So the nurse helped him into the passenger seat and then looked at us. She was around our mother's age.

"You two behave," she wagged her finger, "no elevated heart rate until the doctor clears you. Understand?"

Cassian sighed, "yes ma'am."

I smiled at him as the nurse nodded and then shut the door. I thanked her once more for taking care of him and allowing me to stay for as long as I did. Then I walked around and climbed into the drivers side. I wasn't exactly in love with driving this beast, but I would do it so Cassian was comfortable.

"What's this?" I moved the envelope from the seat of his truck as he settled in. Cassian grunted as he fell into the seat. His chest was still sore but he would live. He wouldn’t have to live his life learning to embrace the pain. He would get rid of the pay and he would be my husband.

He looked at the envelope, "I um. I went to Rhysand's lawyer and asked him how hard it would be to adopt a child," his cheeks blushed, "he drew up the paperwork and said it was easy. As long as the mother signed too."

My eyes went wide, "you really want to adopt Rey? I mean, I already consider her yours, but I just. This is real, this is permanent. You can’t give her back after the papers are signed.”

He shrugged but smiled, "we both consider her my child anyways. And I just. I want to be her father. I was going to surprise you after I proposed, you know make it official as a family. I didn't plan on getting shot."

Tears welled in my eyes. I threw my arms around his and hugged him tightly, "no papers, no tests will ever disprove you being her father," I whispered softly as I kissed him.

Cassian smiled, "I know. But now my name can actually go on the birth certificate."

I rubbed my nose against his, "I love you."

He winced as I pulled away, "well that's good. I did just take a bullet for you," he was joking. He was really feeling better, "and I might just love you too."

I saw his eyes glance down at my ring and I knew he was happy. Happier than he had been in a long time. He ran his thumb over the ruby and I felt a shot of approval run down my spine. I saw the love in his eyes. I saw the life we were going to make together spread out before me. I started the truck and felt my world slowly fall into place. Cassian was going to be okay. He might take a while to heal, but he was really okay.

I pulled to the curb at the house and smiled at the sign Feyre and Rey made to welcome him home. Feyre had outdone herself with the designs, but they were upstaged by Rey’s beautiful drawing of me her and Cassian in the corner. He was bigger than both of us, exactly how he had always been. Cassian smiled when he saw it, tears filling his eyes.

"It's like you guys were worried or something," he said softly as I got out of the truck and went around to help him.

He held my hand as I closed the door, "I wouldn't leave that hospital until they promised you would be okay. I was worried Cass. I told you, I need you."

He let out a slow breath and cupped my cheek, "I'm not going anywhere, ever again. You're stuck with me Nes."

I nodded, letting out my own sigh of relief. So much tension had built up in my chest over the last few days. It finally released its hold on me as I stood there looking at Cassian, smiling and still completely together.

"Tomas can rot in jail for all I care," he whispered before kissing me sweetly.

The front door opened and I jumped back, "Ashian!"

Rey's little voice carried but Feyre held her back from running to us. I smiled as he started to walk slowly towards the house. I supported some of his weight. He was shaky on his own two feet. He held my arm tightly as he went up the two steps that led inside.

"Rey!" Her arms went around his waist and she hugged him tightly, "my princess."

I smiled as she looked up at him with tears, "up, Ashian. Up."

I shook my head, "no sweetheart he can't hold you. Not for a little while," I helped him sit down on the couch, "but the doctor did tell me he needs all the cuddles he can get."

Rey jumped onto the couch and then grabbed his arms. She snaked under it and kissed his cheek. Cassian looked tired, more exhausted than I had ever seen him. But he was smiling, he was back here with me. He was going to be okay. I had to keep reminding myself that he was fixed.

Tomas hadn't broken him, or me, after all.

"You no allowed to weave me," she wagged her finger in his face as he kissed her cheek. She settled in his lap, "promise?"

He nodded, "I promise," he whispered as he laid his head back against the cushions. He was winded from the walk into the house. He wasn't supposed to carry Rey, he wasn't supposed to do any heavy lifting. But I knew he needed her there on his lap. He needed normal and this was normal.

"Cass!" Rhysand came into the living room, "so tell me man. Is getting shot as fun as it looks?"

He shot Rhys a glare before he flipped him off, "oh it was a bundle of fun. I suggest you try it next time."

I laughed and leaned into his side, "he's still sore Rhys, forgive him for being hostile. I think he needs to get to bed and rest some more."

Cassian ran his hand down the back of my hand, "Nesta. I've been stuck in bed for the last three days."

"Nope. The nurse gave me specific instructions and I will follow them until you're better."

He stuck his lip out as I pulled Rey up onto my hip. He watched us as I kissed her nose, "you little miss need a bath. Aunt Fey is waiting for you. You need a shower but that's not allowed. So let's get you changed and into my bed."

He raised his eyebrows, "usually you don't want me to put on clothing if we get into your bed."

"Oh I've missed your smart comments Ashian," I put Rey down and she ran to the bathroom where Feyre was waiting for her. The water was already running.

Everything seemed to just fall back to normal. My chest wasn't tight, my heart didn't hurt. He was here and we were both okay. Rey was okay. The moment flew at me all at once. 

I spun around and put my hand on his cheek. I swallowed the ball of tears that caught in my throat. I couldn’t stop the words as they tumbled out. Telling him yet again how much the last two days had scared me, "I did miss you. I couldn't see a future without you."

He nodded softly, "I know sweetheart. And I'm so sorry I made you worry."

He leaned I and pressed his lips to mine. His hands held my waist and then I pulled back, "bed, medicine, now. You are going to get better fast. Because I want to start that life together Cass."

His smile was beautiful. After so many hours of wondering if I'd see it again it blinded me and filled my heart with joy. He ran his thumb across my bottom lip, "yes ma'am."

I winked as I lead him into the bedroom. Cassian changed into a fresh shirt, that smelled like me, and then all but fell into the bed. He groaned.

"This feels like heaven compared to that hospital bed," he closed his eyes and sighed happily as I pulled the comforter up to his chin.

"You get the bed, I'll make sure Rey stays in her own. I don't want to hurt you in my sleep."

He shook his head, "you're going to sleep right here, where you always do. Next to me. I don't care if you accidentally hit me. I want to wake up with my arms around you."

I shook my head and sighed as my hand came up to his cheek. I laid it against his skin, running my thumb gently over his cheek. I couldn't process the events that had happened. First I was living a nightmare and now. Now I couldn't get a grip on reality. Cassian in my bed, smiling and joking about surviving a bullet.

I pulled my hand away as he yawned. It was early evening and I knew he was tired. They said he would be tired for a while.

"Okay is there anything you need Cass? More pillows? I can steal some from Feyre's bed if you aren't comfortable." I bit my lip as he sat in my bed. I couldn't stop worrying about him. I wouldn't even let him go home. I just wanted him to stay here with me where I could see he was okay. Where I knew he was still breathing and smiling.

Cassian smiled as he reached for my hand, "I'm fine Nesta, really. I'm just tired," he pulled me closer, "actually I do need something."

I heard Rey giggle from the bathroom. Feyre had offered to give her her bath tonight while I fussed over my injured boyfriend. No my now recovering fiancé. Again she deserved an award for being the best sister ever. I stepped closer to the bed as he pulled on my hand. Cassian's smile grew bigger as I knelt down to his level and he pressed his lips to mine. A tear slipped down my cheek as he kissed me, his body stronger than before.

I felt him wince underneath my hand as it pressed against his chest. His heart hammered in his chest and I knew we couldn't do anything else. I wasn't allowed to kiss him, I wasn't allowed to excite him. I sighed as I let his lips work with mine before I knew it was time to stop.

"Cassian," I mumbled his name against his lips. I pulled away, "the doctor said no elevated heart rate for a while."

He sighed, "but I just want my girlfriend to take care of me."

I smiled and kissed his cheek, "I am. Now are you sure you don't need anything."

He sighed as he fell back against the pillows, "water. Whatever they gave me is making me insanely thirsty."

"I'll be right back," I smoothed down his hair and went into the kitchen. I heard Rey get out of the bath and Feyre try to usher her into her pajamas. I grabbed a cup, wondering what it'll be like living without my sister. I wasn't ready to move out until Cassian was completely healed. But the idea of not having her there always ready to help made me nervous.

Would Rey be okay with just Cassian and me? Would Feyre be okay in this big house without anyone else to keep her company? Maybe moving out wasn't a good idea, no matter what she said.

Cassian's ring sparkled on my finger. We would be a family. He was whole once more.

I filled the cup with cold water and then walked back into my room. My heart stopped as I took in the scene before me. Rey was settled in between Cassian's legs, her back against his chest with a book in her lap. Cassian was watching as she pointed to the pictures and told the story. Tears gathered in my eyes, I almost dropped his glass of water.

I didn’t move from the doorway, afraid I would shatter this moment if I even breathed too loudly.

"And the free whittle piggies they lived on the farm. Ashian," Rey grabbed his hand, "are you wistening?"

Cassian's eyes found mine and he smiled, "yes love I'm listening."

He kissed the top of her head as she continued her story. There was no plot line, there wasn't really a story, just Rey pointing to the pictures. But neither one of us had the heart to stop her. Because she had been as scared as I had been watching Cassian laying there in the hospital bed. She knew he was our home, she didn't want to lose him either. 

"Okay," I said quietly as her little eyes fought to stay open, "it's time for bed sweetheart. Be careful giving Ashian a kiss. He's fragile."

Rey shut her book and turned to kiss Cassian's cheek. I smiled as he kissed her back. She climbed off the bed with ease and put her book away. I kissed her once she climbed into bed and I pulled the blanket up around her shoulders.

"She said it was her turn to read me a story," Cassian answered my question before I even asked it, "because I'm hurt and I always read to her when she's sick."

I nodded slowly, "Cassian," my voice broke as he put the water on the nightstand. I climbed into bed beside him, careful of the bandage on his chest, "I was so scared. So scared I was going to lose you."

Everything hit me in that moment. The fear I had of losing him, the excitement of being engaged. The anger that I held for Tomas, the brave face I tried to hold for Rey. It all came crashing down and my tears broke it's fall.

"I'm here sweetheart," he whispered into my hair as he pulled me close, "I promise you I'm not going anywhere. You will never lose me."

I nodded, laying my hand against his chest. He picked it up, running his thumb over my ring. He kissed my knuckles and then laced our fingers together. I closed my eyes listening to his heart beat and finally accepting that he was going to be okay.


	24. Chapter 24

I checked Cassian and he was still sleeping. So I pushed myself out of the bed and walked into the living room. The house was quiet, Rey was sound asleep in her bed. Rhysand's jacket was draped over the back of the couch. I sighed as I stood by the table looking at the normal surroundings of our home.

A dark laugh came from the couch. I picked my head up and saw Tomas sitting there. My body went still, what was he doing here? In our house?

"You thought you got rid of me," his voice was deeper, he played with his hands, "but you'll never get rid of me. I'm in your blood."

My heart pounded as he stood up and faced me. He was holding that damn gun again, scratching his head with it. My hands were shaking, I couldn't scream. I couldn't wake my family. I swallowed the fear and let out a breath. I felt someone come up behind me and then there was a flash of light.

A shot rang out, Cassian fell to the ground. There was blood everywhere, he wasn't breathing. Tomas stood holding the gun, laughing as the man I loved died. Laughing as Rey started to cry, my hands were shaking as I reached for her. But I was too late. Another shot rang out, a bullet for me.

I sat up in the bed panting, pushing my hair out of my face. The room was still dark, I was still curled up beside Cassian. He was asleep on his back, his chest rising and falling slowly. My heart started to slow down as I realized it had all been a dream. I laid back down, only to turn over to find Rey asleep beside me.

Her hair was sprawled around mine and her cheeks were flushed from heat. I ran my hand down her cheek and she twitched under my touch. She burrowed into the blankets, her little hands pulling on the pillow. She was adorable when she was asleep. I could see her, the baby I had once held, lying there beside me.

I missed the baby she had been. The little girl that fit into my arms perfectly. I missed her crying at all hours and only settling for me or my best friend. I missed her smell, she always smelled so fresh when she was a baby. Now she was always dirty, always covered in paint or dirt. But she was growing up, she was becoming her own person. And I loved watching that more than anything else in the world.

I pressed a kiss to her temple before Cassian shook slightly beside me. Then he gasped, reaching for my hand. I turned back to face him, "you okay?"

His eyes opened slowly and I knew he had a nightmare too, "yeah," he whispered placing my hand over his heart, "I just. Felt you wake up."

"Bad dream," I whispered pulling myself closer to him. I kissed his shoulder and let his scent wrap around me, "Rey must have had one too. Her feet feel like ice pressed against my legs."

Cassian laughed quietly, "like mother like daughter. When you were pregnant you used to burrow your feet under my legs to warm them up. They were always freezing."

I smiled slightly as he looked at me, "I love you Cassian."

"I love you too sweetheart," he kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry I broke down. I just. We were so close to losing you," he pressed his thumb over my lips, stopping the words before they fell out of my mouth.

"You will never lose me. I promise you this," he whispered softly before kissed me. I closed my eyes as we both laid back down. I fell asleep in his arms, Rey's feet pressed against my thigh. Our little family was whole once more.

——

It took Cassian a full weak to be able to wander around the house without one of us helping him. He was slow at first, but after a few days he would get up and wander, annoying Feyre mostly. He would watch her paint, watch her cook. Rhysand told him he wasn’t allowed back at work until the doctors cleared him for everything. So he was stuck at our house, because I refused to let him go home.

Not that he wanted to go home, but he did talk about starting to move my things to his place. I told him we would cross that bridge once he was completely better.

So he wandered and watched movies with Rey. She was in heaven having her favorite person at home with her for all hours of the day. Sure he slept a lot, because he was still on his pain medicine. But she was just happy to curl up with him and watch Tangled and Frozen and other movies she loved.

I had to testify at Tomas’s hearing. Since Cassian was injured and barely remembered the events that led up to the shooting, I was the one the court asked to speak on behalf of him. So I dressed up and held my hand on a bible. I told the truth and I put the man who hurt my family behind bars. I didn’t stay to hear his sentencing. I didn’t stay to hear how long he would be away from me.

I left as soon as I could. I left and never looked back. Because I was done with Tomas and everyone else associated with him. Rey was my daughter and one day soon she would be Cassian’s official daughter. Because blood does not make a family whole. Love does.

Feyre started to talk about the wedding, Mor was more than excited to take me dress shopping. We spent all the yesterday wandering around and looking at places where we could hold the small ceremony. In the end I told them I just wanted it to be the seven of us standing in the field where Cassian and I had finally find each other.

Mor almost cried when I explained everything I wanted. She said it was perfect and set out to get everything we would need today. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t sure if we should get the field ready yet. Sure I would love for the wedding to be this summer, the end of the perfect summer when I had Rey and my best friend.

But I wasn’t sure if I wanted the wedding to happen as soon as everyone else. Because Cassian wasn’t completely healed. He was still waiting for the pain to leave him. I didn’t want him to stand in front of our friends and not be the man we all knew and loved. I didn’t want to be selfish, to ask him for my wedding right after he took a bullet for me.

I sighed as I got home from the cafe, I had called off one too many shifts and I knew I had to go in today. So I went in early and that mean I was done by the evening and found Cassian having a tea party with Rey in the living room. I smiled as he held his pinkie up high and looked at me. He even had a big white floppy hat tilted on his head.

“Aw my girls are so pretty,” I kissed the top of Rey’s head as I passed her by. 

Cassian glared at me as he set his cup down, “how was work?”

I sighed, “long. I missed you both,” I sat down on the couch and he followed me. He kissed my cheek and I leaned into his side. Rey kept playing with her stuffed animals and I closed my eyes, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah? About what?” He kept his voice low, “did I mention the doctor told me elevated heart rates are okay now?”   
I laughed and shook my head. I pulled away and looked at him, “yes. You told me last night and this morning,” I took his hands between mine and ran my thumb across the back of his hand, “yesterday Mor and I went dress shopping. And I might have found the perfect dress.”

He nodded his head slowly, “yeah? That’s great, you should’ve told me yesterday.”

I blushed, “but I didn’t buy it. Because I needed to talk to you first. About us, about the wedding.”

Cassian leaned forward, “you know that proposal was a sealed deal before Tomas came waving a gun at us right?” he ran his thumb across my ring again. I smiled at him, “so all I’m waiting for is for you to pick a date and tell me when and where. Because I want to marry you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you Nesta Acheron. Not even a bullet can change that.”

Tears filled my eyes and I wasn’t even sure why I thought he would’ve changed his mind. Because he had been so sure, so certain of what he wanted every since we started dating. I smiled and leaned in, kissing him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me onto his lap.

I pulled back, “I cannot wait to be Mrs. Cassian Moten.”

He kissed me again, “you better go buy that dress Nesta. Because this is it, this is what happiness finally feels like.” 

I knew he was right. There was nothing that would ever feel as amazing as this moment, at home in my soon to be husband’s arms.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT'S A WEDDING =)

I had only ever felt beautiful once in my entire life before. It was a day I could remember with clarity, a day before my mom died and my dad stopped caring. I was five years old and stumbled into my mom’s closet. She had dresses on dresses and somehow I managed to pull one down and slip it in. It was short enough to become a floor length gown on my tiny body. I slipped on a pair of heels, again too big to actually fit.

When I stepped out both my parents were on the bed smiling. They clapped as I walked around, my mom stopped to put lipstick on my tiny face. She fluffed my curls and somehow, even at five years old, I felt beautiful. I felt like a queen entertaining her court.

But that was nothing compared to the way I felt when I slipped on my wedding dress. It was off white. The entire top was made of lace. There was an undergarment that peaked through, the sleeves reached my elbows. The waist clenched and then it fell down to my feet in a beautiful display of elegance. There was a small slit that hit mid thigh.

If I had ever imagined my wedding, this was the dress I would've dreamt about.

"Cassian is going to faint when he sees you," Feyre squeezed my shoulder, "you look amazing."

I tried to fight off tears. It would ruin the two hours Mor had spent doing my makeup this morning. Even if the wedding was small, only my family and Cassian's would be here. Which was our friends and my sister, I still wanted to feel beautiful.

As I looked at my reflection, I truly felt beautiful.

I wasn't the girl who had her wedding planned when she was younger. I was the tomboy, the girl who preferred her best friend a male instead of a female. The girl with dirty hands and holes in her knees. I had scars and edges, I had roughness that no one understood. So no, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be standing and staring at myself wearing a wedding gown.

I never imagined I would marry my best friend, the other half of my bruised and beaten soul. But somehow we had made it here, to an end everyone else had always known would play out.

Again I fought off tears as Feyre pinned another section of my hair up. She stepped away as little shoes came racing back into our room. The girls had all gotten ready together, the males were on their own. We had been separated for one full day. It was supposed to make this sweeter, to make our hearts grown founder. I missed Cassian, I was ready to make this official.

I was ready for our new beginning. A new chapter with the person I never saw standing beside me.

"Mama! Up, up," Rey tugged on my hand as Feyre set the veil, which was tucked around a beautiful tiara, on top of my hair.

I leaned down and picked my daughter up. Her dress matched mine, only hers was a soft pink. I tapped her nose and she held out a small notecard, "Ashian."

She pulled it back before I could take it from her, "hey."

She giggled and shook her head. She wore the same smirk as her nonbiological father. The man she adored, “kiss, kiss."

She tapped her cheek the way Cassian did whenever he wanted to tease us. He would offer something, only to pull it back and refuse to hand it over without a kiss. I sighed and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She giggled as I blew out a breath and tickled her skin.

She handed me the card and then wiggled out of my arms. I pushed my thumb between the folds and read his sloppy handwriting, "don't cry when you see me standing at the end of the aisle."

I laughed, grabbing a pen and writing my own message back, "if I do it's because there's clearly something in my eyes."

I handed it to Rey, "go give this to Ashian. Tell him mama sends a kiss too."

She ran off as I stood back up and fixed my dress. We were getting married today, starting our life together. And yet nothing had changed. He was still my best friend, my favorite human. He was still joking and laughing as if the last few months of crazy hadn't happened. He was my rock, my warrior. I would never be able to express just how much I loved him.

Feyre handed me the bouquet of wildflowers I had forced her and Rey to pick. I didn’t want store bought flowers. I wanted ones that grew along the road, "we should get in place. The ceremony is starting."

Butterflies filled my stomach as we walked to the field. The music started playing and Feyre took Rhysand's arm in hers. She winked at me before disappearing down the makeshift aisle. I was nervous and I had no idea why. I loved Cassian with all my heart and soul. This was what we both wanted.

And yet my hands wouldn't stop shaking.

I stood out of sight for a moment, holding Rey's hand trying to calm my nerves. Rhysand and Azriel had both offered to give me away. Hell even Mor and Feyre said they'd walk beside me. Everyone wanted to see Rey as the cute little flower girl. But I knew there was no other role for her to play. She was my world, my little girl. It was only right we faced this change, his life altering moment, together.

I squeezed her fingers gently as the doors opened, "ready?"

"Yeah!" She giggled as we walked in tune with the music. She threw down her flowers as we went. Sorrel wiped tears from her eyes. Rhysand stood beside Cassian, who didn't dare turn around. It was tradition, he told me, that the groom only see the bride when she had been given to him.

I stopped beside him and Azriel smiled. He had gotten his license just for us. Cassian wanted someone we knew to marry us, someone who understood everything we were giving to each other, "who gives this woman to this man?"

I looked at Rey, "I do!"

I smiled. We had practiced this. Cassian turned around slowly as everyone sighed with content at Rey's exclamation. His eyes went wide. They traveled down my dress and then back up to my face. I could feel myself blushing, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. No matter how long I would know him, he would always make my heart skip a beat. Rey put my hand on top of his and it all stopped. He was my safe place, my home.

His fingers curled around mine and Rey ran back to the front row of seats where Mor and Sorrel sat waiting. 

We had agreed to only have Feyre and Rhysand stand with us. To be fair to our friends and to have the people who were there for our worst times, our best times, witness our union. Feyre smiled as Cassian led me up and we stopped in front of Azriel.

"Cassian Monten, Nesta Acheron. We are here today to celebrate your love and devotion to one another. The bride and groom have opted to say their own vows."

I smiled at my best friend. I bit my lip and then we turned so we were facing each other. Cassian still held my hand. He hadn't let go since Rey handed me to him. I wanted to lean in and kiss him. I had gone twenty four hours without him. I missed him, that made this reunion so much sweeter.

The field was deathly quiet as they waited to hear how exactly we would express our love to each other. 

I took in a deep breath and grabbed his other hand so I was holding both between us, "I promise to love you with every breath I take. I promise to listen to you whine, to listen to you vent. I promise to kiss your scar every night before we go to sleep. I will try not to press my cold feet against your legs," I laughed, "but I promise to be your best friend first, your lover second, and your home always. You are my home Cassian, the light that guided me through a darkness I never saw coming. The man who helped raised my daughter, the man who knew how to tear down the walls I built to keep everyone else out. You are my person, my safe place to land. And as long as I live I promise to be your safe place too."

Cassian smiled as I slipped the ring on his finger. He squeezed my hands as he looked into my eyes, putting us back into the same position.

"When you said you wanted to write our own vows I got scared. I'm not a man of many words, I prefer action over conversation. But I know if there's one person I can talk to it's you. My best friend. My first crush, my first kiss. My first love. All my firsts were with you. And even when I thought all of this wasn't possible, I help onto the hope that you would not only be my first love, but my last as well," he took in a deep breath, "I have loved you for over ten years. I watched you grow into a beautiful woman, a wonderful mother. I was there for it all, hoping one day you would ask me to stay. So today I promise that I will be that man, the one who never faltered. The man who weathers every storm and every fight with you. You are not only my wife, but my equal, my partner in this life. I love you Nesta, for now and for always."

I smiled as he pulled the ring, a simple silver band, adorned with matching red rubies on top, from Rhysand's hand. Feyre nodded at him as he looked into my eyes and said the words that would forever claim me.

After Cassian slipped my wedding band on my finger he knelt down to where Rey stood beside me. She had run up, out of Mor's arms, when he was talking. He smiled pulling out another tiny little box. Tears gathered in my eyes as he took her hand in his.

"I have another set of vows to give," he said quietly as Rey looked up at me. I bit my lip as Cassian waited for her to look at him. When she did I saw it all there in his eyes. He was her father, he always would be.

DNA meant nothing when someone loved a child as much as Cassian loved Rey.

"Rey Acheron, I love you with all my heart. You are my little girl, my precious little light," she giggled as I heard people start crying, "I know you are so young and you won't remember this. But I give you this ring as a promise. The same way I promised your mom to love and cherish her for all our days to come. I promise to be your father, your protector and to love you for as long as you'll have me."

Rey smiled at Cassian and I put my hand on her shoulder. He slipped the tiny little band, with real diamonds, her on finger. She gasped and nodded her head before throwing her arms around his shoulders, "I do."

Everyone laughed as he picked her up. She kissed his cheek, I wiped away my own tear. Azriel cleared his throat, "by the power invested in me, I declare you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Cassian pulled me into him with his free arm, kissing me in front of everyone as Rey held onto his neck. Tears streamed down my face as I pulled away. Everyone stood as we turned and faced them. I smiled, our little family was complete. No more doubts, no more fears, nothing would break us. I wore Cassian's ring, I carried his heart.

And now I had officially given him mine.

—

The reception was beautiful, Mor and Feyre had outdone themselves. Our backyard was decorated with bright little firefly lights everywhere. Flowers lined the makeshift dance floor. They even invited a few other people, mostly people Cassian and them knew, to join in celebrating our marriage.

Everyone clapped loudly as Cassian came through the doors hand in hand. I still wore my wedding dress, it was too beautiful to take off just yet. I couldn't stop smiling as I held my husband’s hand, Rey standing on a table clapping with her aunt.

"Mr. and Mrs. Moten have arrived," Rhysand called loudly before he clapped his friend on the back. Feyre hugged me tightly and then the party started. Rey convinced Azriel to dance with her. A few people followed as I ate something off the food table. I had been too nervous before the wedding to eat anything. Now I was starving.

"That's my girl," Cassian wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, "eating already."

He kissed my neck, "I'm starving. Hey," I turned around to face him, feeding him a cracker in the process, "you never told me what song you picked for us to have our first dance to."

He smiled, wiggling his eyebrows, "oh I know. It'll be a surprise. Don't worry," he kissed me, "you'll love it."

I shook my head as Mor drug him away from me. The lights were bright in the dim light of the moon. And I thought back to last week when Cassian told me this was what happiness felt like. He was right. I was so happy. Happier than I ever thought was possible.

"Nesta," I turned around, shocked to find Elain standing there. Tears filled my eyes and I pulled her into a hug. She laughed, "I've missed you too."

I smiled as I pulled away, "did Lucien come too? How are you? I'm so sorry I didn't invite you to the wedding. It was small. As in only Feyre and Rhys and Mor and Azriel were there."

"And Rey," she said softly as she pushed a fallen piece of hair behind my ear, "it's okay. I understand Nesta. I haven't been the best sister and I'm sorry. About everything. Because I know I apologized before, but I never meant it. But seeing you with Cassian, seeing you with Rey. I realize I'm the one who pushed you away. All because of a man who doesn't even matter anymore. A man who never should've mattered to begin with."

I wiped a tear off my cheek, "he was never good enough for you Elain. I never wanted him to court you. I'm sorry."

She smiled, "always protecting me, even when I don't realize it. Thank you, for making sure I was taken care of. Even if you weren't."

She hugged me tightly, "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad Feyre called me. She told me what happened to Cassian and how Tomas kidnapped Rey. I'm sorry it took almost losing everything for me to realize what truly matters."

"It doesn't matter. I love you, you're my sister always. And you're here now. Here on the best day of my life."

"You really do love him don't you? I've never seen you so open, so beautiful before," she ran her thumb down my cheek, "you look happy."

"I am happy," I whispered as Cassian caught my eye. He winked, nodding at me and Elain before he kept talking to Rhysand. Who was in turn talking to Lucien. My heart was full. Everyone who was supposed to be here, was here.

Feyre found us a few minutes later and we hugged again. Elain fussed over the news of her pregnancy, claiming she didn't see any baby bump even when Feyre pushed her dress against her stomach. Our middle sister cried as she realized how much had changed, how grown up we all were.

I told her Cassian and I were moving to his home after the wedding. She said she would make more time to see us. She wanted to know Rey and her new niece or nephew, she wanted her family to be as close as it once was.

Cassian and I cut the cake. I smiled for Mor who was taking all the pictures tonight. Cassian was standing behind me, his arms around mine and held the knife with me. I handed him a small square and then took mine. More camera flashed as we turned to face each other. We were supposed to feed each other our pieces.

But Cassian never did things easily. He slipped the piece of cake past my lips and smashed the icing along my cheek. He laughed, letting the crumbs spill down my dress. I gasped as everyone started laughing and taking pictures.

"Cassian!" He laughed as I smashed my piece of cake into his closed mouth. I smiled, remembering what it felt like to be young and happy with my best friend again. I remembered why I had fallen in love with him to begin with.

Because he was fun. Because he could make me laugh even when the sky was falling down. But mostly because he was my home, my heart and soul in the world.

Cassian grabbed my face between his sticky hands, "come here, you have something on your face."

He laughed, kissing me before licking the icing off my cheek. I shook my head as Feyre came and served the cake. Rey pulled on my skirt after I had cleaned myself off.

"Mama. Cake," she pointed at the icing.

Cassian cut her a small piece, "I have to feed it to you Rey. It's tradition."

She giggled as she opened her mouth and Cassian gave her the piece of cake. I smiled at them, Mor snapping another picture for me. I couldn't wait to see all the pictures. Rey giggled as she licked the icing from her lips.

"Wuv you Ashian," she hugged him and then ran off to find someone else to feed her more cake. I assumed she was looking for Azriel. Because she had him wrapped around her tiny finger.

After the cake was served and everyone was eating Feyre tapped her glass. She took in a breath and stood up, "as the maid of honor and little sister I am obliged to give a speech."

She smiled at me with tears in her eyes, "all my life I've watched my sister with admiration in my eyes. She's a storm, she's fire and steel. She knows what she wants and she does what she needs to get it. She's loyal and when she truly loves you, she gives you her all. And all the boys, all the relationships I never ever saw her as open, as loving, as happy, as she's been with Cassian. Because they are two halves of a whole. When I look at them I believe in love. I believe the world creates two souls who were meant to become one. I'm happy for Nesta, because she found someone who's fire matches her own."

A tear slipped down my cheek as Rhysand stood up. He tapped his glass, "I'll give my speech as best man now. I've known Cassian for a few years now. And while it's not as long as Feyre has known Nesta, since they are sisters, it is enough to know him. He's crazy and goofy. He's loyal and protective. He is everything good in this world wrapped in flesh. And he is all those things and more when it comes to Nesta and her little girl. No matter what happens he's always there. She is his heart, his entire soul. And I know if anyone is going to make it, it will be these two."

They raised their glasses and then Cassian wrapped his arm around my waist. He pulled me in close and kissed me as everyone drank to their toast. It was beautiful and sincere. Everything I never knew my sister and her boyfriend saw in us. I smiled at them, feeling my heart grow even bigger in this moment. 

As the evening carried on I lost Cassian to the crowd. The music had been switching from upbeat to slow songs every so often. And then the dance floor cleared and Feyre pulled Rey up to her lap. She wiggled as Cassian stood there and looked at me.

"And now it's time for our first dance as husband and wife."

I blushed as he reached for me. I took his hand as the first notes played. It was a song for our childhood, a song we both loved for different reasons. But it was a song we both knew by heart, one we would always love. I smiled at him as I leaned into his chest and sang along.

"I stay up and think of you," I whispered softly, running my finger gently over his scar, "even back then, Cass. I knew you were too good for me."

He laughed, "I love you too Nesta."

I hated dancing, I hated the attention we know held in this filled room. But with Cassian leading me, pushing me around the grassy dance floor, I didn't care. We had made it. There was a band of silver on my finger, one to match the ruby he gave me weeks ago. A band that promised us forever. 

I smiled at Cassian as he leaned down and held me close, his lips pressing gently against mine. I savored this sweet kiss, because I knew this was it. I couldn't wait to get him back home. I couldn't want to fall asleep in his arms.

After our first dance Rey came running over. She pulled on Cassian's pant leg, "Ashian! My turn."

I stepped back and he put her on his feet and started spinning her around. The little ring on her finger sparkled as she held his hands. They looked like father and daughter, his vows echoed in my head. I couldn't believe Rey was finally going to have a family, complete and whole as mine once was. 

I smiled, trying as hard as I could not to start crying, as I walked towards my sister where she was waiting. She was eating more food, her eyes catching mine as she saw me. But a hand took mine and stopped me before I reached her. Rhysand smiled at the other end.

"Can I steal a dance with the beautiful bride?"

He pulled me back towards the floor and pulled me in close. He put his hands on my waist and I saw Feyre sitting with Elain.

"I can't believe my sister doesn't want to dance. You two are usually all over each other."

He shrugged, "she's tired, but I wanted to dance with you. I know you consider yourself Cassian's best friend. But I consider myself his best guy friend. So you give me your word? You promise not to hurt him?"

I laughed, causing Rey and Cassian to look at us. I shook my head, "you're really giving me this speech? You don't think you should be defending me?"

"You can handle yourself fine Nesta. Cassian on the other hand. He's blind when it comes to you."

I smiled, "you have my word," I kissed his cheek, "I'm glad Feyre has you. You're so good and this baby. They're both so lucky."

He hugged me as the song ended, "Cassian is lucky too."

"Hey man, she married me not you," Cassian held Rey, she was starting to fall asleep on his shoulder. He came up behind Rhysand as he let me go, "go find yourself your own wife."

Rhys laughed, "don't worry. I think I already have. Acheron women, they're great."

"That they are," he whispered as he pulled me in. He kissed me. When he pulled away I ran my hand up Rey's back, "I think we should get her to bed."

"You're already a dad," I smiled at him. He wrapped his arm around my waist, "let's get her home, husband."

Cassian kept holding Rey as I went to tell my sisters goodbye. But someone stopped me. Tara stood by the gate. She called my name and her voice made my heart stop. Because she sounded so much like her brother, she looked so much like him.

I walked over slowly, Cassian stayed behind with Rey. I swallowed my fear and stood as straight as I could in my wedding dress, "you aren't welcome here."

She nodded, it looked like she had been crying, "I know. I just wanted to apologize. Because my brother, he's in a bad place. He has been ever since you two broke up. And what he did, it doesn't reflect the way my family feels about you, Nesta."

I shook my head, "your family means nothing to me. I'm sorry Tara, your brother tried to kill my husband. I don't see myself forgiving him anytime in the future."

She nodded again, "I know. I just wanted to apologize. The hearing was hard and I just, didn't want to bombard you with more feelings. But I know my mom," her eyes glanced towards Cassian, who was turned towards Feyre, "she would really like to meet her grandchild."

I shook my head, "I'm sorry. She doesn't belong to any of you. She is my daughter and now she is Cassian's. Maybe one day, after Tomas has finally learned something, I can let you into our lives. But right now I don't want to."

Tara sighed, "I understand. For what it's worth, I always liked you Nesta. For this exact reason. You always protect your family."

Tara walked away. I waited a moment and then went back to Cassian. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead, "don't worry. They can't do anything."

I nodded, "today was supposed to be our day. Why is he always here?"

"He doesn't matter," he kissed the top of my head and then squeezed my shoulder, "it's still about us. So let's take my girls home."

I wiped away a tear before it fell. 

We said goodnight to our friends and thanked for everyone for coming. I was exhausted by the time Cassian got us back to his house. He already had a bed set up for Rey. He wanted our first night as husband and wife to be in our new home. So he had set up her bedroom with things she would need. He said she could decorate it when we finally moved in.

"Wait here," he said as he unlocked the door.

"Cassian. You don't have to do this," I watched as he opened the door.

He smiled, “it's tradition. And I want to do this right, because this will be our only first night in our new home. So you wait here."

He took Rey inside and I sighed. I rolled my eyes at his need to do an outdated tradition. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited as he took our little girl to the new room we would decorate for her. I smiled as I heard his heavy footsteps come back.

He walked outside and wrapped his arms around my waist and kicked my feet out from under me. His brown eyes sparkled, “you know, it’s tradition to kiss as we step over the threshold."

I rolled my eyes, holding onto his neck as he started to carry me into the house. I pressed my lips to his. Once we were inside and Cassian set me back down I couldn't help but lean into him.

"Okay maybe it's not such a stupid tradition."

He tilted my chin up to look at him, "since the little one is already asleep, does that mean we get to consummate our marriage? Because I plan on making you forget all about Tara crashing the reception."

I shivered as he touched me. I wasn't tired anymore. I ran my hand up his dress shirt, "if we don't I'm going to file for divorce in the morning."

Cassian laughed loudly as he picked me back up and took me into the bedroom. He kissed me harder and more passionate than ever before. I held onto him tightly as he laid me down in our bed. I smiled as he hovered above me. I ran my finger down his cheek, reveling in the quiet that surrounded us. I couldn't believe this man officially belonged to me.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS i have one chapter after this. And no ideas for an epilogue. So hopefully I get one.  
> I can't believe this story is almost over. I haven't finished the last chapter yet, but it will be posted soon. Thanks for coming along for the ride =)

Our first official night as a family after the wedding was perfect. Cassian read Rey her favorite bedtime story then she went to bed without a fuss. She was even excited about having her own room. I checked on her twice before Cassian finally told me we were supposed to be on our honeymoon. So I shut her door and followed him to our bedroom.

I smiled at my reflection and ran my hands down the lingerie Feyre had given me for this occasion. It was simple, a black satin top with matching underwear. The top had a few lace designs, I felt even prettier than I had in my wedding dress. I tried to keep my confidence up as I turned from the mirror and got ready to face him.

I walked out of the bathroom and turned off the lights. I stood in the doorway for a moment, waiting for him to notice me. When he didn’t I walked forward, smiling at his attempt to ignore me. I climbed into bed beside him. I smiled as I waited for him to look at me. He looked so sexy, his glasses were on and he had a book in his hands. I moved towards him, my cold hands finding his warm chest. His mouth fell open when he saw my nightclothes.

I kissed his cheek as he struggled to take in a breath, "your book is upside down," I whispered as my kisses moved slowly along his jaw.

He laughed, throwing the book onto the floor and turning into me. He grabbed me so fast I squealed and he pushed me into the mattress. If this what what married life was like, I never ever wanted it to end. Because it was perfect and everything I never thought I would get to have.

Feyre's little bump made its appearance the day Cassian and I finally moved all our things into his house. Mor and I couldn't stop touching it, we couldn't stop fawning over her. Even Rey wanted to touch the baby. A friend for her she kept saying.

The day I moved out was the day Rhysand officially moved in. Of course half his stuff had already been moved while Cassian was recovering. Somehow he had gotten out of the heavy lifting during both moves. Of course he rubbed it in our faces that the doctor said he couldn't help at all. He just watched as Azriel and Rhysand moved the heaviest of my things.

Rey didn't understand why he wouldn't pick her up after he was released from the hospital. The doctor didn't officially clear him for almost two weeks. He was allowed to pick up Rey this week, because she was light. But he wasn't supposed to hold her for long. 

Still he was getting stronger, he was getting better. My worries all disappeared the moment he rolled over in bed and pulled me into his chest without wincing.

It was bittersweet moving out of my sister’s place. She had been there for such a hard and dark time in my life. I had found a home with her, a life I never thought I would live. But I knew it was time. I knew that this was freedom, it was exactly what I needed. To live with my daughter and Cassian, to be a family and believe in good again. To stop teetering on the edge of everything. To finally feel as if I have a place to belong.

Rey was all dressed up when she found me standing in front of the mirror that morning, "mama pretty."

I smiled as I finished my makeup, "yeah so are you."

"Ashian need you," she grabbed my hand. I sighed and let her take me into the living room. Cassian had been gone when I woke up this morning. It was a big day for both of us. It was the most important day for Rey.

Cassian smiled as he pulled me into his arms. He was already wearing on of his dark button down shirts, paired with a dark pair of dress pants. He kissed me gently as Rey giggled. She always giggled when we kissed, "the little one said you needed me."

"I just needed a kiss," he whispered against my lips. I rolled my eyes but kissed him again, “I missed you this morning.”

"Gods you're so corny," I pushed away from him but we were both laughing.

He grabbed Rey and scooped her into his arms, "so you ready to go get adopted little miss?"

She nodded, "Ashian! Daddy!"

Tears filled my eyes as my hands fell to my stomach. Hearing her call my best friend her father, it broke me. Because this was it. We were going to officially become a family. Tomas was in jail, he wouldn't get out after what he did to Cass. He would always wear a scare above his heart as a reminder of that evil man. A scar I kissed every night before we laid down together.

A scar that hadn't torn us apart, but brought us closer together.

I wiped away my tears, stepping into Cassian's arms and hugging them both, "yeah. Ashian is your father, Rey."

She kissed his cheek as he looked at me, "I promised you the day we got married I would belong to you two. Now I get to make it official with my little one too."

I smiled, envisioning the little ones we might have together one day. I stepped out of his arms and slipped on my shoes, "well we can't be late. So let's go I'm sure everyone is waiting for us."

Rey was excited, she thought this was like the day Cassian and I got married. She insisted her dress be white with lace. She wore a flower crown in her blonde hair and her shoes had a little heel on them. I couldn't believe how grown up my baby looked.

Still I knew this was something she didn't understand completely, but something that she would always remember. The day her Ashian became her father. The dad that was always there, who loved her more than anyone else. I was so grateful for my best friend. For the love he gave my daughter even when this future hadn't been in the cards for us.

Everyone met us at the courthouse, they were all dressed up. We had a time slot, and the papers were all signed. This was a formality, something that made it real. I smiled as Rey stayed in Cassian’s lap, his fingers running through her hair as she told him about the job he would now have as her father.

I felt tears in the corner of my eyes as Azriel grabbed Mor’s hand and Feyre leaned into Rhys, who had his hand on her belly. This was what a family was, blood would never be the only tell tale sign. A family was with you through thick and thin, through whatever life decided to put you through. Family was the people you chose to be there, time and time again. I choose these people, I would always choose them.

“Cassian and Nesta Moten?” We all stood as our name was called.

The judge sat behind her desk and smiled as all walked in. I took Rey into my arms as Cassian and I went to the front of the room, everyone else stayed in the back. I took in a deep breath as Rey settled down and then the judge looked down at her file.

“So you’re here today to formally adopt Rey Acheron,” she pursed her lips and looked at the two of us, “is that correct?”

Cassian nodded, “yes ma’am.”

She read some more and then she clasped her hands together, “you’re the mother,” she looked at me and I felt my mouth go dry. I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Yes.”

“And you want this man to be her father?”

“More than anything in the world,” I smiled as Rey grabbed Cassian’s hand. Tears filled his eyes as she looked at him and I knew that no matter what he was who she would always choose too.

The judge looked at us, already a little family even without the paper that said so, “alright, Cassian Moten. Please tell me why you would like to become the father of that beautiful two year old who’s already staring at you like you’re her favorite person. Clearly she doesn’t care if it’s written on a piece of paper or not.”

Cassian let out a breath and looked at me. We hadn’t been prepared to give statements. We were told this was easy, sign the papers, have the judge sign them too. We didn’t know we needed speeches. And yet he took in another breath and his eyes went to Rey.

He didn’t need to think before he spoke. I could see it all in his eyes as he looked at our little girl.

“I want to be her father because she deserves to be loved by two parents instead of only one. I want to be her father because I was there the day she was born, I held her in my arms and I’ve watched her become this beautiful little girl. In the last two years I’ve realized the world is a beautiful place through the eyes of a child. Especially this child, my child. So I want to be there for every first, every moment. I want to teach her how to dance, how to laugh. I want to show her how a man treats the woman he loves and how she deserves to be loved regardless of who she is. I want to be her best friend and her loudest cheerleader.” 

He paused and I had to wipe the tear that fell down my cheek. He took in a breath and reached out, running his thumb down her little cheek. Rey reached for him and he pulled her onto his lap.

He picked up right where he left off, “I want to be her father because she has been my light even in the darkest of my days. Because I love her mother and I never want her to wonder why her siblings call me dad and she doesn't. But the real reason I want to be her father," he took in a breath as his eyes found mine, "is because I want her to know that blood should never matter. Love is what binds a family. Love is what heals us all."

I wiped away another tear as the judge nodded, her own eyes filled with tears. I smiled as Rey clapped her hands and hugged him around the neck. He pressed a kiss to my lips before he leaned back into the chair beside mine. Feyre nodded her head at us, Rhysand squeezed Cassian's shoulder.

It didn't matter if the judge signed the papers, if his name appeared on her birth certificate. In that moment he proved he was her father, and to me that was all that mattered in the end. Because Cassian was right. Love is what makes a family.

And Rey had all the love both of us could ever spare.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end!

Rey was in heaven when we pulled back up to the house. Mor had set it up while we were gone and everyone had come to celebrate Cassian officially adopting her. Sure she didn't completely understand what it meant. But she knew that he was here to stay, that we were a family.

She understood that we had finally found our home.

Elain and Lucien even came to celebrate Rey’s adoption. Lucien gave her a present and she spent a good amount of time in his arms. She loved her red headed uncle, even if she didn’t know him as well as the others. I couldn’t stop smiling and thanking my sister for coming. Because Rey needed everyone in her life. And I had missed having my sister around.

As everyone celebrated in front of me, I couldn’t help but stand back and watch. Everyone was happy, the torture Tomas had put us through these last few months was over and forgotten. The only reminder we had was the scar on Cassian’s chest, and the nightmares that sometimes woke both of us in the middle of the night.

But those were things that would fade, those were scars that would heal. Because we had a family, we had the rest of our lives to make memories that would banish those nightmares from even the deepest hole in our hearts. We had love, we had hope, and we had each other. In the end that was all that truly mattered.

Feyre didn't realize it but whenever she was standing still or talking to someone she would rest her hand against her belly. I smiled, wondering if I had done the same thing when carrying Rey. I didn't remember, that had been a dark time. A time when my baby felt more like a doubt, a fear that had come into being.

Feyre and Rhysand were in love. This baby was a product of that.

Rhysand barely left Feyre's side and I couldn't blame him. There was a ring on her finger now and I caught her looking at it every now and again. He had proposed without an audience, in the quiet of their new home. Exactly how I knew Feyre had always wanted it to go. I was happy for my sister. I was happy. A feeling I never thought I would ever see again.

Cassian's arms wrapped around my waist. He pressed a kiss into my neck as the celebration went on around us, “we're officially a family now. My wife, my daughter. My life, my world."

I smiled and leaned back into him, "you're happy right? This is what you wanted?"

"Happier than I've ever been," he spun me around and kissed my lips. I held him close, wondering if the love I ever held for him would burn away. Ten years of friendship and it was still there. I didn't think I would ever lose it. Because I loved him more than life itself.

Earlier he had fawned over Feyre's baby bump, reminiscing about when I was pregnant with Rey and how I got so big over night. I was slightly jealous to see his big hand on her little belly. But nowhere near as jealous as Rhys. He practically growled at Cassian to back away from his fiancé. I had to laugh when Feyre rolled her eyes.

I laid my hand against his cheek, "so do you want little ones of our own now? You know, for Rey to play with. Since you seemed way too excited to touch Feyre's stomach."

He smiled, "kids? I've always wanted kids. But you deserve a chance to get your life back Nes. That's what I'm here for, whatever your dreams are, we are going to make them come true. It’s you and me against the world. The way it’s always been.”

I smiled at him, shaking my hand. I looked at Rey, standing with her aunt and soon to be official uncle. Then I looked back at Cassian, "my dreams have come true. You and Rey. Finally having my family. This is the dream I never ever thought would come true."

Cassian kissed me once more before someone clicked a knife to their glass. We pulled apart as the crowd got quiet. Mor stood there staring at us, beaming as Rey stood on a chair beside her.

"I propose a toast," she held up her glass, "to Nesta and Cassian, for finally breaking down their walls. And for Rey, who's finally got the family she's always deserved."

Rey's little face lit up as we walked to stand behind her. She grabbed Cassian's hand, "daddy!"

Feyre's eyes filled with tears. I smiled at my sister, I couldn't wait until she had one of her own. I couldn't want to meet my niece or nephew. I couldn't wait for our lives to finally begin. For so long I felt stuck behind a wall of sadness, behind the assault that had taken place two years ago.

But now I felt free. I felt like my life was finally mine again. With Cassian beside me, his hands on my hips, I knew I could breathe again. I would never be the same Nesta, I would never truly heal from the scars. But I could be stronger, I could be happy. I could learn to live again.

Rey came running up and pulled on Cassian's pant leg. He moved his arm from around my waist, "daddy," her little voice sounded different from the way she called him Ashian, "da, come here."

Tears filled my eyes as he let me go and followed her away from Feyre and Rhysand. I wiped away a tear as my little sister laughed.

"Oh my god," I shook my head, "she called him dad. I just. God you'd think I'm the pregnant one."

Feyre smiled as Rhysand shook his head, "I've never seen two people happier, Nesta. I'm glad you two found each other. I'm glad my brother has you and Rey."

"Thanks Rhys."

"Rey is so happy Nesta," she squeezed my hand and shook her head, "I can't believe how hard it was for you to do this, to have her. But I'm so glad you fought through it. I'm so glad we have her, and you."

A tear slipped down my cheek as Cassian started dancing with her, "yeah. I am too."

I pulled myself together, "so have you two thought of names yet?"

Feyre rolled her eyes, "it's too early for that."

Rhysand sighed, "the doctor said next visit we would know the sex. Feyre said she doesn't want to know. I'm dying, I want to know, Nesta. Tell her it's better knowing."

I had known Rey would be a girl. I was numb to the experience, I just needed all the information I could get. Would I want to be surprised if Cassian and I had a child? Maybe. But I knew Feyre, she was usually in need of control. She must really be letting her hormones get the best of her.

"I don't know I think it would be a fun surprise," I shrugged as Rhys glared at me, "although I'm pulling for a boy. You two need a little hellion to chase around."

"Don't forget you'll be babysitting aunt Nesta," Feyre laughed as Cassian found his way back to me. He kissed my neck and I closed my eyes as his arms wound around my waist, "and uncle Cassian."

"What's that?" He asked, his lips still pressed against my skin.

"Oh they're just blackmailing me," I spun around to face him and smiled, "so dad, what did your daughter need?"

"Our daughter," he whispered before his lips found mine, "needed a dance. And now she's happily terrorizing Azriel. So I get to terrorize you."

He pulled me out onto the dance floor before I could protest. I couldn't help but laugh as he spun me around. He picked me up so my feet weren't on the ground. Cassian kissed me as he kept moving around the backyard. It was really the perfect ending to a life I never knew I would get to have. A daughter who I adored and was better than the rest. A family who never left me, even on my darkest days.

And my best friend as my lover, my partner. My best friend who would stand beside me and never let me go. There was nothing, no better moment than this one right here. Because I knew even with all the pain and the heartache I had suffered through to find it, I would do it all over again. Just to stand beside Cassian and finally get to call him my husband.

"I love you," he whispered against my lips.

"Yeah," I smiled as he put me back down, "I might just love you too."

After hours of celebrating and laughing everyone started to leave. Rhysand and Azriel started to clean up the yard. Cassian took a sleeping Rey into her new bedroom. I was exhausted but I knew I had to help. I walked into the house and found Feyre sitting on the couch.

"Hey," I smiled at her, "you look tired."

Her hand rubbed her tiny belly, "yeah. I am. But that's okay. I'm glad you guys did it. I'm glad you're happy."

I smiled at her, "yeah I'm glad you're happy too."

Feyre looked ready to pass out by the time Rhysand finally took her home. She kissed my cheek and hugged me tightly. She told me to pass a kiss along to Rey once she woke up in the morning. I smiled as she leaned heavily on her fiancee’s arm. I couldn’t believe she was pregnant and engaged. I couldn’t believe my little sister had found everything she had ever wanted all in one try. I was happy for her, after her first terrible relationship she deserved this happiness. As much as I deserved mine.

I stood in the doorway and watched them drive away, still smiling. I let out a slow breath realizing despite everything that had happened, this had been the best year ever. I shut the door quietly as I turned around to face my home. The home I shared with my best friend and my daughter.

Once everyone was gone I went to find my husband. Husband, such an odd word. I smiled at the ring that sparkled on my finger. The ring I would never ever take off.

I found him upstairs, standing in the doorway of Rey's room. The hallway was dark, Cassian stood with his arms crossed, leaning against her doorframe. Her nightlight was on, a cascade of stars lit up her ceiling. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. He jumped slightly before he realized it was me.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly. He relaxed against my touch. My hands slid across his stomach and he sighed.

"Watching our daughter sleep," his deep voice was soft. Neither one of us wanted to wake her. It was so sweet to hear him say those words and know they were genuine, they were true. Rey was officially his daughter, not that a piece of paper defined her. But now we had proof, we would always have his name on her new birth certificate.

I smiled at him, "I love you," I whispered as he turned around and put his hands on my hips.

He kissed me softly, "I can't wait to spend my entire life with you, Nesta Moten."

My hand ran up to his chest, "you know. We should probably start practicing. For when Rey asks for a brother or sister."

I squealed as Cassian knocked my feet out from under me. He picked me up and almost ran back to our bedroom. I giggled as he pressed another kiss to my lips, laying me down on the mattress. His fingers threaded through mine as his body hovered over me.

"My wife," he whispered against my lips.

"My husband," I whispered back.

And for once in my life everything finally felt right. I knew our home would one day be filled with more little feet and lots of laughter. Because I got to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. And there was no sweeter ending, nothing more happily ever after, than that.


	28. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy little chapter after the chaos of the story has ended =)

**3 years later....**

 

Life with Cassian was better than could've ever imagined. We laughed together, we had our routines. Everything was as it had always been and yet there was so much more. Rey grew, she turned three and then four in this house. Cassian started marking the wall with her height. She was getting so big, so fast.

I rubbed my hand over my belly as I sat in front of the computer. I had found success in writing, something I had stopped after Tomas hurt me. Writing had always been my solace, my safe place, but he had taken that away. But marrying Cassian, finding happiness, had brought back my desire to write, to tell stories again.

I went back to school for creative writing. Rhysand promoted Cassian. Rey started preschool. Life moved on and it truly did get better. The darkness gave way to the light and I no longer focused on how awful it had been. The nightmares stopped, it all disappeared with each new memory we made.

Cassian cried the day I told him I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying, but we also hadn't been avoiding it. When I was late, when the smell of bacon made me sick, I knew something was different. Cassian and Rey had their weekly daddy daughter date and I went to get a test. This time when the strip turned pink I didn't cry. I didn't go numb or get scared.

Because this time I was going to have a baby with my best friend.

I made a special dinner that night. When Cassian and Rey came home she jumped into my arms. They gathered around the table and I wasn't sure how to tell them. I grabbed Cassian's hand.

"So I need to tell you both something," I smiled at my daughter. She loved her life, her little cousin was her best friend. Little aurora was a doll and looked like the perfect combination of her parents. Dark hair and bright eyes.

Cassian stopped eating as he squeezed my fingers, "Nesta."

I let out a slow breath, "so Rey. Would you want a little brother or sister?"

Her eyes went wide, "a sister!"

Cassian stopped breathing. His thumb stopped rubbing the back of my hand. He looked at me and I saw his eyes go soft, "Nesta."

I laughed and nodded, answering the question in his eyes, "I'm pregnant."

Rey squealed and clapped her hands. Cassian stood up and grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me as he spun me around. I laughed as his big hand came down to my stomach and his eyes filled with tears.

"A baby," he cupped my cheek, "I'm going to be a daddy."

I kissed his cheek, "you're already an amazing father."

Rey came over and hugged us both, "baby! Like rora."

Cassian laughed as he picked her up, "yes a baby like little aurora. But they'll be your brother or sister."

It was crazy to realize that had been six months ago. I was eight months along and Cassian was still as excited as he was the day I announced I was pregnant. He wouldn't leave my side. When I started showing he wouldn't let me lift a finger. I had to force him to calm down, I had done this before. 

He backed off slightly, but he was still a pain in my ass. The bigger I got the more protective he became.

Still I forced him to go with Rhysand camping when he asked. Before Feyre and Rhysand had aurora Cassian Azriel took him camping. They stayed an entire weekend in the cabin and prepared Rhysand for fatherhood, giving him one last hurrah. So when Rhysand came and told Cassian he was kidnaping him I forced him to go.

Because he needed one last weekend with his brothers before our baby was born.

I sighed, the text on the screen started blurring together. I closed my eyes as the baby kicked. Cassian was thrilled when the baby kicked the first time. We had been fooling around and his hand never left my stomach. The baby kicked hard and Cassian lost it.

Our baby loved to kick after the first time. They were restless, always moving always doing something. I knew without a doubt this was Cassian's child. Because they couldn't sit still, they were always pressing up against some part of my body. Just like their father.

I sighed as Rey came over to stand beside me, "baby kicking?"

I nodded, "yes. They're kicking my bladder."

She laughed, "did I kick too?"

I smiled as she pressed her hand against the bottom of my belly, "yes. You were just as restless, you wanted out. You didn't even wait until I was ready, Rey. You've been a fireball ever since you were born."

She giggled as I tapped her chin and kissed the tip of her nose. I let out a sigh as the pressure on my bladder let up and the baby went still. I turned back to my computer, all creative juices had stopped flowing. My deadline was around my due date and I needed to get this story done.

But I didn't want to write. Cassian was supposed to be home today. As much as I had been annoyed with him, I missed my pain in the ass. I missed his big hands resting on my belly as we fell asleep. I missed his kisses in the morning.

"Daddy!" Rey squealed as she ran to the door as it opened. Cassian laughed as he grabbed her, hugging her tightly. She kissed his cheek.

When Rey started school there had been a daddy daughter dance. She didn't even think twice, she begged Cassian to take her. I cried when she walked down the stairs in her pretty dress and Cassian took her hand. It's true, blood never mattered to them. They were father and daughter, and that moment cemented it in my mind. Rey would never question it, she would always belong to him.

I stood up slowly, my balance slightly off since my belly had gotten bigger, "hey beautiful," Cassian smiled as he met me in the living room. He kissed me quickly, his free hand coming to my stomach, "how's the baby cooking?"

I rolled my eyes, "I am fine," I tapped his cheek, "I missed you too, you brute."

"I always miss you," he smiled as he put rey down and then pulled me in. His hand still rubbed my stomach, "sleeping with Rhys and Azriel in a cabin in the middle of nowhere isn't as appealing as it sounds."

I laughed as he kissed me, my hands tangling in his hair, "you need a shower," I sighed as I pulled away.

"Yes mama," he whispered. I grabbed his bag and took it to the laundry room. I pulled out his clothes, they smelled like smoke and beer. I shook my head and started a load.

I knew what a weekend at the camp really entailed, but that was fine. The boys were allowed one last drunken night acting like children. Azriel and Mor had finally set the date for their wedding. And Rhysand and Feyre barely got any time alone because of aurora. I knew Cassian would never complain but I think he missed his friends. I was glad he had this weekend. I would've forced him to go again if I had to.

A sharp pain hit the side of my stomach. I grabbed the washing machine for support. I closed my eyes and counted to five. I took in a deep breath through my nose and then let it out through my mouth. The pain decreased and then suddenly disappeared.

Rey was watching tv as I walked back into the living room. I went to the kitchen and started dinner. I heard Cassian upstairs in the shower singing. This was home. This was my life and I still couldn't believe it.

I decided early on that I didn't want to know the sex of our baby. I was happy either way. I had rey and if she had a brother or a sister I would still be just as happy. Choosing names without knowing was hard. But Cassian and I agreed on most of the suggestions we offered. I ran the tips of my fingers over my stomach, wondering when we would finally meet our little adventure.

"So how goes the writing?" I didn't even hear the shower shut off or Cassian walk into the room. He was pulling his shirt on. His hair was too long he needed to cut it. I turned and smiled at him, watching water drip onto his shoulders. 

I shrugged, "I'm stuck. Mostly because I'm obsessed with getting this place ready for the baby. I can't write an epic adventure when I'd rather fold baby clothes or clean the nursery yet again."

Cassian laughed, "you're nesting. You didn't do that with Rey."

I shook my head, "I think I was too numb with her. Anyways my editor said she'd extend the deadline if need be. I'm trying, but this second book might be the death of my love for writing."

Cassian laughed again as he came around the island and wrapped his arms around me. He smelled better, like sunshine and sandalwood. Like the scent of finally being home. He pressed a kiss to my neck.

"You'll never lose your love for writing," he whispered softly, "not even Tomas could take that away."

It was an unspoken rule that we didn't talk about him. But sometimes he was a good reminder of all the things he had been through to get here to this moment. I kissed his cheek.

"I know. I'm just being dramatic," another pain hit me and I winced, "I learned from the best."

"Nesta," he grabbed my hand before I could pull away, "you winced. What's wrong?"

I shook my head. I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine but then I felt something wet between my legs. My eyes went wide and the pain got worse as I grabbed onto his arm and tried not to scream.

"I think," I tried to breath, "Cass. I think my water just broke."

"You aren't due for another two weeks!" My husband had officially flown into panic mode, "shit. No. I can't. Okay let me grab the bag and I'll call Azriel to get Rey."

I kept hold of his hand before he pulled his hair out. He stopped, his brown eyes coming to rest on mine, "breathe Cassian. It's just a baby. We can do this. They're just early."

He smiled slightly and kissed me before another contraction started, "I love you."

I let him go as rey jumped up, "baby?"

I nodded, "yeah bug. The baby is coming. Can you," I took in a deep breath, "call uncle Az?"

She grabbed the phone and pressed his number. Cassian was already down the stairs holding my bag that he had packed months ago. I was pretty sure half those clothes wouldn't fit me now. But I didn't have the heart to tell him.

"Uncle Az and Mor meet us," she handed me my phone and I texted Feyre. I didn't have the strength to call her. My stomach was cramping and I wanted to scream.

"Okay," I smiled at Cassian as he grabbed my hand, "you ready to meet our newest little one?"

He brought our hands up and kissed the back of mine, "ready as I'll ever be."

\--

I was in labor for over twelve hours. I cursed Cassian, I cried from the pain and the pushing. But the entire time my husband never faltered. He held my hand and he pushed my hair back. He wiped the swept from my forehead and he kissed my hand. He told me to breathe, to believe in the beauty of our child.

Right before he was born I leaned into Cassian and cried. I told them all I didn't want to push anymore, I was too tired. Cassian kissed my forehead and promised me it was worth it. Five more minutes and we would have another little miracle. Another push and rey would get a sibling to love as much as I loved mine.

It wasn't his words that hit home. It was the sound of his soft voice whispering to me. The gentle way his hand swept up and down my arm. The fact that he didn't falter when I squeezed the hell out of his fingers with every push. He was my husband, my rock in any storm. I pulled away from his chest and looked into his eyes.

I knew I had the strength to do this alone. But having Cassian there beside me made me even stronger.

Little Jesper Moten was born at three in the morning. He had dirty blonde hair and big hazel eyes. Honey hazel, they matched his father's. He had lungs of steel and cried loudly as they cleaned him off. Cassian held him first, his little finger wrapping around his father's big one. I was exhausted, but nothing was as beautiful as the moment my husband got to meet his son.

I couldn't take my eyes off the them, my fingers itched to write the scene in front of me. Cassian looked down at our child as if he put the stars in the sky. There was nothing but love and admiration in my husbands eyes. I had just given him the greatest gift of all.

"Hey little guy," he swayed slightly as the nurse helped me sit up, "I'm you're daddy."

A tear slipped down my cheek. A flash back to Cassian holding rey that same way when she was born hit me. He had been so soft, so gentle, terrified he'd break her. This time he was confident. This time he was mine.

Once I was somewhat put together and held my son, I fed him. We bonded and then we settled him before everyone else came into the room. Rey came bounding in first, her eyes huge as she looked at the baby in my arms. Cassian scooped her up and held her against his chest as she reached down and touched his cheek.

"Baby," she whispered as tears filled my eyes.

I laughed, "rey this is your little brother, Jesper. You're a big sister now."

She nodded, "big girl!"

"Yes my big princess," Cassian kissed her cheek as Feyre and little aurora came over next. Feyre kissed my forehead as Rhysand and Cassian watched us with the new baby. Cassian set rey down and she kept staring.

"He's beautiful," Feyre sighed, "he looks just like Cass."

"Aw poor fellow," Rhys laughed as Cassian ignored his comment. 

Elain and Lucien came walking in a little while later. Tears filled my eyes as my middle sister came to my bedside and looked down at our brand new baby. She smiled and touched his head, full of hair that matched mine.

"He's so cute Nesta," she leaned down and kissed my cheek. Cassian watched us, Rey in his arms. She was going to be a handful with a new baby. Because these were her favorite people, she never had to share.

"Yeah," I looked down at my son and felt my heart soar, "he really is. Jesper this is aunt elain."

Elain looked at Cassian and Rey, then back to me, "I made him something," her voice was soft. Lucien nodded his head as she pulled a little blanket out of her bag. It was blue and yellow, flowers lined the edges. It was hand stitched and more tears filled my eyes. 

"I gave Rey one when she was born. It's only fair her little brother gets one too."

I lifted him up so she could put the blanket under him, "thank you, elain."

She squeezed my hand and then rey wiggled out of Cassian's arms and grabbed her hand, "presents?"

We all laughed. Lucien picked her up and settled her on his hip, "it just so happens that we do have something for you too, little miss."

He tapped her nose and the elain handed her a toy. Cassian smiled at me, Jesper cooed in my arms. I reached up and he grabbed my finger. I couldn't believe it. Everyone was here, everyone was happy. Jesper had made his entrance early and now there were more little ones to love.

The nurse came and went, laughing at the size of the audience we had. She told Jesper he was a lucky little boy if this many people had come to see him now. I was beyond tired, I was ready to fall asleep. But I kept my eyes open, staring at this amazing family that had somehow found me.

Once Jesper fell back asleep, Rey climbed up onto the bed and touched his hair. I watched as she tried to figure out where this new baby would fit into her life. Cassian sat sat down on the edge of the bed and I heard the click of the camera as someone took a picture. I sighed happily, my little family had gotten bigger.

"He's your little brother," I said to rey softly, "your responsibility."

She smiled, "baby broder," her eyes found Cassian's and he smiled back.

\---

We took Jesper home three days after he was born. Cassian wheeled me out of the hospital in the wheelchair, Jesper fast asleep in my arms. He was already an easy baby, but I had a feeling that wouldn't last. Rey was jealous, I saw it every time Cassian picked up Jesper. 

Whenever Cassian took the baby she fought for his attention. She talked to him, pulled on his arm. She didn't like sharing her father, I didn't think this would be a problem. She was always so loving, she took to aurora so fast. But she didn't have to share her favorite person with her cousin. Now she had to share her father with her baby brother.

"I promise you rey," I kissed her forehead as she got into her car seat, "Cassian will always love you. Jesper is small, he needs us now. But he'll need you when he's older."

She nodded, little tears in her eyes, "my Ashian. My daddy."

I wiped away a tear and ran my fingers down her cheek, "he'll always be your Ashian, I promise."

I got into the front seat. Cassian closed the door softly after strapping in the baby. I wrapped my arm around his and kissed his shoulder, "she's already jealous."

Cassian glanced back at Rey and smiled, "you're my girl, Rey. Always."

She nodded as Cassian drove us home. 

The first night we brought him home the spell of the hospital broke and he wouldn't stop crying. Cassian was a wreck and I was exhausted. But we laid him in our bed and soon, after I kept my hand on his belly, he fell asleep between us.

It became our routine then, falling asleep with our little boy situated between us. Rey would sneak over in the middle of the night and Cassian would have to carry her back to her bed. I was afraid she would roll on him. I didn't want either of them to get hurt.

A week after we brought him home, I woke up to silence. It startled me that the house was completely quiet. I turned over slowly, afraid I would hit the baby. But the bed was empty and my heart jumped into my throat. I sat up even faster, the room was still dark.

I grabbed my robe and pulled it on as I got out of bed. I opened the door and walked to Rey's room. Her nightlight was on, but her bed was empty. I walked down the hall to the nursery and stopped just outside the door. Cassian sat in the rocking chair, little Jesper curled up in his arms. Rey was there on his lap, reading a story.

I was still slightly emotional from my pregnancy. Tears filled my eyes as I watched them together. They were the pieces of my soul I had never thought would stitch back together.

I stepped into the room quietly and Cassian looked up. He saw my tears, "Jesper was getting fussy. I didn't want him to wake you, you were finally sleeping."

"I know," I whispered softly as I came over to the rocking chair. Jesper was sound asleep, no cries came from his beautiful little face. Rey kept reading, her one arm wrapped around Cassian's. She seemed to finally accept Jesper, she seemed to be more than okay with sharing her father in this moment.

"I love you," I whispered softly before kissing his cheek. Cassian turned, his smile dazzling even in the dark light, "thank you. For my family."

Cassian leaned up and kissed me softly, "I love you too."

The night settled around us. The quiet lingering as Rey whispered her story. I smiled as I leaned into my husband and I closed my eyes, swaying with the rocking chair. This was my life, as messy and beautiful as I had always imagined it to be. This was my home, here with my family. I would always belong here in Cassian's arms.


	29. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set before the story when Nesta finds out she's having a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This beast was created when I decided I wanted to start Nesta's journey earlier than when she had her baby.  
> I hope you like it!

I couldn't even feel the rain as it fell on me. I stood outside Feyre's house shivering, more tears staining my cheeks. I found it was easier to cry in the rain. My tears and the raindrops all blurred together. My hands were shaking, but I tried to find whatever courage I had left to walk up the path. I had nowhere else to go.  I wasn't sure what my sister would say, but I needed someone. I needed someone else to know. To carry this pain with me.

I had shouldered this secret for too long. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I let out a shaky breath as I knocked. I could've just walked in, but I felt like someone else. After that night Tomas attacked me I didn't feel like Nesta anymore. I felt like a stranger living in my skin.

It felt like hours before she pulled the door open, "Nesta," her eyes went wide when she saw the tears in my eyes. I wasn't one who cried easily everyone knew that.

She pulled me out of the rain and hugged me close. My sister gave the best hugs, even when I didn't want them. She held me tighter than anyone else, as if she knew it was the only way to get past my shield. As if she could put my pieces back together if she tried hard enough.

She ran her hands up and down my cold arms. Her eyes were wide as she took a step back to look at me. We had the same eyes, given to us by our selfish mother. Feyre's were always softer, full of the love our mother never shared with us.

My sister was so full of compassion sometimes I forgot she was the youngest of the three of us, "what happened? What's wrong?"

We walked into her living room and she pulled me down with her onto the couch. My hands were still shaking as I tried to stop the sobs. I closed my eyes and saw it all happening again. I saw the moments when Tomas pushed me down, when his hands started to wander. That moment had been haunting me for the last three months.

My eyes snapped opened and I felt sick.

"I um. I broke up with Tomas," my voice cracked, "before he left."

Feyre nodded, "yeah. You didn't seem upset about it a few months ago."

I swallowed the bile in my throat, "I have to tell you something. I didn't do it because he was going off to school. I um."

I stopped, the room utterly silent. I was so scared. I tried to tell Elaine and she freaked out. I didn't even get past the beginning of my story and she shut down. What if Feyre did the same thing? What if she didn't believe me and I was forced to figure this all out on my own? 

"Nesta," my littlest sister took my hand in hers and forced me to look up at her, "I am here for you. Whatever happened, good or bad, I won't walk away. I promise."

Her words made more tears appear. I bit back a sob and tried to speak again, "he forced me. He... he.. he forced himself on me and I couldn't stop him. He put something in that stupid drink," I felt so stupid thinking back to the events that took place that night, "I couldn't fight him. I couldn't protect myself."

Feyre's eyes went wide. She understood right away, "Nesta. Did you tell anyone?"

I shook my head, "no. I can't. I’m fine," I stopped and laughed, pushing my hair out of my face, "no I mean I thought I was fine. Until today."

My sister waited as I sat up straighter. I faced her and held onto her hand. I let the silence settle, I tried to make my heart settle. I hadn’t said the words out loud yet. But I knew once they were in the air it was real, this moment wasn’t just a nightmare anymore.

“Fey. I'm pregnant."

Feyre's mouth fell open and I felt fresh tears fill my eyes. In my entire life I had never cried so much. I didn’t even know it was possible to have so may tears, but just when I thought they were gone, more appeared. My sister pushed her hair back out of her face. It was her nervous habit, something she did when she was upset or thinking something through. She pulled me into another hug. 

"Did you go to the doctors?"

I shook my head, "no. But I took two tests. I just. I can't have a baby, Feyre. Oh my god. This is real. He did this and he gets to leave," I closed my eyes as Feyre stood up.

"Take another one," she grabbed a box out of the drawer, "maybe it was false. Come on, I'll be there this time."

My sister led me into the bathroom and I felt numb. This test would be the same, because somehow I knew deep down I was pregnant. It was like I had known ever since it happened. As if Tomas had made this possible by being the pitiful person he is. He ruined me and every ounce of trust and love I had ever felt for someone else.

I took the test. Feyre started the timer on her phone.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked softly as we waited the allotted three minutes. I sank to the floor as she sat on the edge of the bath tub. There was no sound, all I could focus on was the pounding of my heartbeat in my chest. The impending doom I was facing. 

Was I strong enough to carry the child of the man who hurt me? I had options, I had always been big on letting a woman decide what to do with her body and everything that happened. But now that it was my choice all the things I had said before this moment were a blur. Could I give away my child? Sure they were Tomas’s but they were also a part of me. They were part of my soul and maybe, just maybe they would be more me than him.

A tear slipped down my cheek. I wasn’t ready to make this decision. I wasn’t ready to be a parent, to make a decision that would not only change my life but the life of an innocent child as well.

I didn’t want to do this alone. My head was spinning and it all came back to that single moment when I missed Tomas putting the drug into that fucking drink I didn’t want in the first place.

"Because it was my fault. He drug me to that party and I let him hand me that drink. I let him believe that's what I wanted. That I wanted him," I answered my sister with a shaky breath, "I should've been better. I should've been stronger."

"No," Feyre grabbed my hands, "this will never be your fault. Even if you followed him around that house naked, Nesta. This is not your fault. You said no, you were clear in what you wanted. He took what he wanted from you. And I'm so sorry I didn't know. I knew something was wrong but I never knew it was this. I thought. I didn't pay close enough attention I guess."

I bit my lip and didn't say anything. I blamed myself for this mess. For believing Tomas could ever change and be a good person. The bruises had faded, Feyre didn't know the whole truth. But I knew she would put it all together. The way I hid my face for days after we broke up. The way I wore long sleeves in the summer. 

I hadn't told anyone about that yet. Because it had been my fault.

The timer went off. My heart stopped as Feyre stood up. She let out a slow breath as she picked up the test and her hand covered her mouth. I knew without looking there were two lines on the strip in her hand. Two lines. A baby inside my stomach. A little life that never asked to be brought into this mess of a life I was stuck in.

"I told you," I whispered as another wave of nausea and fear crept over me. My hands started to shake and I couldn't hold them back anymore. I couldn't control my sobs as they propelled through my small body. I brought my knees up to my chest as I leaned against the tub for support. I buried my face in my knees, trying to figure out what to think, how to feel.

A baby. I was going to be a mother. What if the baby looked like Tomas? Or worse what if it was a boy and was the exact same, carbon copy of his asshole father? I would never be able to tell them about their father. Not without breaking down. Not without spiraling back down into the darkness that was trying so hard to claim me.

Feyre left me alone on the bathroom floor sobbing. I couldn't control it anymore. I was pregnant with that vile man's child. My hands shook, my body was ready to fall apart. I knew it wasn't this child's fault. They didn't ask for this, to be born from someone like Tomas.

But nothing stopped the panic and pain that hit me when I thought of having a baby at eighteen. My entire life had never been planned, but this wasn’t what I expected to happen. I wanted to learn, I wanted to write. I wanted to have a career and find myself before I became a mother and a wife. 

Nothing could made this better, or easier, not even Feyre knowing and holding my hand.

"Where is she?" I heard a deep voice, one that usually calmed me down. I kept my face buried in my hands as I heard footsteps sound through the hallway. I knew it the moment he came into the room, my best friend was here to save me yet again.

He didn't even say hello. He didn’t say a word, he just scooped me up into his arms, his warmth radiating from his chest into my face. I buried my tear stained cheeks in his shirt, letting his scent pull me from the darkness that Tomas had brought into my life. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him. I wanted him to pull me out of the darkness, out of the water that was trying to drown me. I wanted him to save me. I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay.

But I knew even his pretty words, even his promises wouldn’t change what had happened. No one would be able to change what had been done. No one would be able to make this go away. This was real. There was a child now and I had to figure out what to do.

"Nesta," he sat me down on the couch, holding me on his lap, "hey, trouble. What's wrong? Feyre said you won't stop crying."

I pulled away and looked at him. He pushed my hair off my cheek and wiped away some of the tears with his thumb. I leaned into his touch, it calmed me down slightly, his warm hand against my skin. My fingers curled around his shirt and held onto him as if he could change the last twenty four hours and make it all disappear.

He was dressed up. His nice button down shirt was now stained with my tears. His hair, while still long, was pushed back. He had been getting ready for a date. I had known him my entire life and Cassian didn't dress this way for just anyone.

"You're busy," I whispered. I tried to pull away but he held on tightly, "you don't need me to ruin your day."

"I already canceled my date," he whispered, his big warm hands settled on my waist, "I came as soon as Feyre called me. Now tell me what's wrong, please."

Sitting there with his hands on my hips I had a flash back to prom night a few months ago. He had saved one last dance for me. And he spun me around as if I had been his dance partner all our lives. As if we were two halves of a whole that could only work together. It was one of the first moments I let myself dream of finding someone like my best friend.

Someone strong and dependable. Someone who would look at me as if I held the entire room in the palm of my hand.

I closed my eyes, "I'm pregnant."

Cassian's hands tightened on my waist, "I'll kill him. He hurt you didn't he? I know you Nesta, I know he had to have —"

I put my hand on his mouth. It hurt me to see Cassian so upset. I nodded my head slowly, "yes. I didn't give into what he wanted so he took everything."

Cassian held me close as more tears filled my eyes. Feyre watched us. She cleared her throat, "you should move in with me. I can help you."

Cassian's hand ran up and down my back. I let out a breath as I hugged him, "I can't have a baby Fey. I mean, I'm barely an adult. I'm eighteen years old. How am I supposed to care for a child? I won’t make you give up your life either.”

She laughed, "yes you can. You aren't alone. You've got me," she sat down beside Cassian.

"And me," he whispered as his fingers brushed the hair off my wet cheeks, "I would never make you go through this alone."

"I can't ask you two to give up your lives. I can figure this out," I tried to pull away but Cassian held me close, "I have options."

Feyre clicked her tongue, "could you really do that Nesta? Give away your child? Or get rid of them? I know you," Cassian squeezed my hand as I slid off onto the couch beside him.

The silent settled around us as I thought of carrying a child in my stomach and giving them away. I wasn't attached to this baby. I was terrified of them. But I could never end the pregnancy. I already knew that. Even if Tomas would always be connected to me, I could never do that.

Cassian squeezed my hand, "you can stay with me if you want. I know you need someone Nesta. I'll be your rock. Feyre and I will be here for you."

I smiled slightly as another tear fell, "thanks Cass. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"So its settled, you're moving in with me," Feyre decided as she sat up straighter on the couch, "and we will raise that baby as our own. No Tomas, you and me, Nesta. And Cassian will be their surrogate father."

I smiled as he hugged me from the side, "I will love them as my own if you decide to keep them. They're a part of you and I love you."

I blushed slightly, "I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry I didn't tell you two until now."

"It's okay. You're not alone anymore," Cassian sighed as I laid my head on his shoulder, "I've got you, Nesta."

I closed my eyes and I knew no matter what my best friend would always put me before himself. I wasn't happy, but I was content at least. Less terrified, warming up to the idea of having a baby. I knew when they left I would go back to the darkness. I knew I would never actually be excited, I wouldn’t be glowing during the next nine months.

But for now I let Cassian hold my hand.

"You know what you need," Feyre giggled as the couch left up and she walked across the floor. 

Cassian's fingers brushed against my arm gently as I heard the music. My favorite song, about dancing and not having a care in the world. I opened my eyes and Cassian pulled me to my feet. I tried to protest.

"Hey, now I canceled a date for you. You owe me a dance," his hand went to my waist, his thumb brushing my stomach. Would I get used to that? Cassian acting as if this child was his?

Were the lines getting even blurrier between us?

"Cass," I whined as he spun me around and before I knew it a laugh escaped my lips. I stopped being scared for a second, everything else took a back seat to this moment.

"There's my girl," he smiled and pulled me close, "I hope she looks like you."

"I could have a boy," my cheeks warmed, wondering who they would look like. Wondering if I would have to deal with seeing Tomas's face every single day for the rest of my life.

Cassian shook his head, his eyes lingering on my lips, "you'll have a girl. A girl who looks exactly like you."

And for the first time in our life together I wanted to press my lips to his and thank him for being my person. Through the darkness. Through every up and every down, Cassian was always there. And I knew no matter who's blood ran through my child's veins, Cassian truly wouldn't care.

He would love them as if they really were his own. 

\--

"Nesta, hey sweetheart wake up," Cassian's sleep laced voice hit me in the middle of my dream. I moved my head on his chest, his arms still around me. We had fallen asleep like this a million times. The only difference was the belly his hand was currently laying on.

"I'm sorry," I wiped spit off my chin, "were you trying to wake me for a long time?"

He shook his head, "no. But the baby is kicking," he smiled as I felt the pitter patter of tiny feet against my stomach. It felt like tiny butterflies, their wings hitting my soul.

"Yeah they've been kicking a lot lately. I just didn't think you'd want to feel it," I pushed off the bed, but he held me there, "I need to pee. So either help me or I'll pee on you."

He laughed and then helped me out of bed, "now I haven't been around a lot of pregnant women, but I thought this was supposed to be magical for you, Nes."

I rolled my eyes as he followed me to the bathroom door. He followed me everywhere these days. He acted as if I was a child and needed him to hold my hand. Sure I had bad days, when the darkness won and I couldn't get out of bed. Days when I couldn't talk to anyone because I was stuck in a never ending loop of what happened that night.

But I wasn't a child and this wasn't his child. No matter how hard I wished I could never change the truth.

I also knew that Cassian would get tired of playing house. He wouldn’t want to do this with a baby that looked like someone else. I knew once they were born he would go back to his usual ways and date every single girl that came his way. I didn’t want to him to think he had to stay either. For me this entire situation was a losing one. And I hated that. I hated that he wasn’t mine, that he promised me he would be here but he could bail if he wanted to.

But mostly I hated that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust anyone anymore. I doubt Cassian I doubted Feyre. When this baby was born I was terrified I would be lost and alone once again.

"It's magical if you weren't forced to have a child with someone who assaulted you," I said from behind the closed door, "don't you have something else to do other than watch me all day?"

"I took today off. Rhys wanted to spend time with Feyre and I wanted to spend time with you since the hard days seems so close together lately. So what do you say? Let's go see a movie or something. You haven't smiled in weeks."

I sighed and pulled open the door. My ankles were swollen and my body was bloated everywhere else. I wasn't in the mood for his babying. But I didn't want to spend time alone either. 

"Fine," Cassian's winning smile almost knocked me over. "But I want one of your shirts."

He laughed and pulled an old band shirt from his bag, "I brought you a few. Since nothing of yours fits anymore."

I smiled as he handed me the first one and I pulled it on over my tank top. My belly was too big for all my other clothes and Cassian's were the perfect size. Again I couldn’t help but wonder what he thought about all this. If the haziness in what we were, best friends, was there for him too. 

If he was confused he never said anything. He never asked for me, he never pushed me. He could see I needed him and so he was there for me. I would never be able to repay him, to thank him for everything he had done these last few months.

Cassian came to stand behind me, his hands on my shoulders, "you okay? You were crying in your sleep. You grabbed my shirt and I couldn't get you settled."

Flashes of my nightmare hit me. Thinking it was Cassian holding me, but waking up to find Tomas holding me down. My lungs burned as I remembered trying to wake up and failing. I remember clutching his shirt in my hands and pulling, begging Cassian to save me.

I turned around and touched his cheek, "it was a bad dream," I sighed as he leaned in. He reminded me of a cat, purring as I touched him, "you can't protect me all the time Cass. You will never be able to protect me from my own mind."

"Doesn't mean I won't stop trying."

I kissed his cheek, "and that's why you'll always be my best friend. Now if you want to see a movie then we better get going. Because soon she'll start pressing on my bladder again."

Cassian laughed as he touched my stomach. He was still convinced the baby was a girl, "she'll behave today. Have you thought of any more names?"

I shrugged, "honestly I'll name them when they get here. Right now I'm focusing on the good days. They're few and far between."

"So I take it you haven't found the desire to write yet?" He asked quietly as I stretched out my legs and rolled my ankles. I hated being pregnant. I always had to pee and I could barely stay awake past seven. I was bloated everywhere and I just wanted my body back.

I looked at my best friend and sighed, "not since Tomas hurt me. I just feel so empty. It's like I'll never have another good day, Cass. And I hate it, but I can't find what he took from me."

He pulled me into a hug, "today will be a good day."

I smiled into his neck, "yeah. It's always a good day with you Cass."

Cassian made us breakfast even though we both knew I'd be hungry by the time we got to the movies. Which meant he would buy me everything at the concession stand. Which I would put up a fuss about because I hated that he spent his money on me. Then he would tell me he wasn’t buying it for me, but for the little girl he couldn’t wait to meet. I would blush and he’d smile, touching my stomach and talking to the baby.

It would’ve been perfect if it was real. If it was all more than just us playing house.

"So can we see the new Star Wars?" He asked sweetly as he helped me into his truck. 

I winced as the baby pressed against my bladder. I situated myself as Cassian got into the driver's seat. I didn't really want to go to the movies, but I wanted to have a good day. I wanted to stay with Cassian. 

"We can see whatever you want," I smiled as he started the engine and reached over to touch me. I leaned into him as he started towards the movie theater. 

Cassian was excited as he pulled into a close spot and then parked the car. He ran around to help me out of the seat, but I pushed his hands away. 

"I can do it," I huffed annoyed at him already. 

He caught me when my ankle rolled, laughing as he kept me upright, "be careful. I think you just fell for me."

He winked as I started to laugh. Something in the way he smiled, that wink he gave me. It just let loose a little bit of the darkness that tried to surround my heart. He was still Cassian, the crazy kid next door. He might have filled out and gotten better looking with time. But he was still my favorite person. My best friend.

"You smiled," he shut the door and kept his hands on my waist, "I should've taken a picture."

I rolled my eyes and clicked my tongue at him. But before I could give him a smart remark someone else cleared their throat from the car beside us. I turned and saw someone watching us. She smiled slightly as her eyes met mine. 

"You two are adorable," the older woman smiled as Cassian put his arm around my shoulder.

He flashed her his smile, "thank you ma'am. She's my best friend."

His hand fell onto my stomach and I blushed as she smiled even bigger. Her eyes watered as he kissed my cheek, "you guys remind me of me and my Tom. Oh gosh now I'm going to cry. That baby will be beautiful."

I knew she meant it as a compliment but her words hurt me. I couldn't smile nicely the way Cassian was. I couldn't pretend like this was all okay, because it wasn't. 

It hurt, the truth of it all. I wished this baby belonged to Cassian. To anyone other than Tomas. Because I couldn't love this baby, not yet. I wouldn't let myself get attached to them. If they looked like their father, even in the tiniest ways, I knew it would shattered whatever remained of my fragile heart.

She walked away as I held onto Cassian's shirt, "hey. Where'd my smile go?"

A tear slipped down my cheek, "she said our baby will be beautiful. But it won't be our baby. It's his baby and I don't," I tried to get air in, "I can't imagine a beautiful baby with Tomas. I can't. I can't feel for this baby Cassian. It's like my soul won't let me believe in a good thing after what happened."

He pulled me to a stop outside the doors. His fingers curled around my forearms and he almost shook me so that I calmed down. After a moment my breathing evened out.

"This is not Tomas's baby. Has he been carrying them around for the last seven months? No. Has he been there when you had morning sickness or gotten you whatever weird craving you desired at three a.m.? No I have. This is your baby, Nesta. And in more ways than not this is my baby too. So it is our baby. Blood does not and will never matter to me or to them. I promised you the day you came to Feyre and told us the news. I will never leave you. Or our child."

Tears filled my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him. He knew exactly what to say to break through the terrors that haunted me. I let out a slow breath and felt his hand against my stomach. I smiled as the baby kicked, as if they too knew how incredibly special this man was. I wanted this baby to fall in love with him.

"Thank you," I pulled away. Cassian wiped away one last tear, "for always being the man I need. Even when I try so hard to push you away."

He kissed my cheek, "get used to this, Nesta. I'm your knight in shining armor."

I rolled my eyes as he led me into the theater and I felt a little piece of myself fall back into place. I could do this. I wasn't alone, no matter how hard it seemed to believe that. I had my sister and my best friend. I had the support of two people who would never ever let me fall.

Somehow we would make it. Despite the darkness and all.

\--

Nine months flew by and suddenly I was getting ready to have a baby. I had been forced into bed rest for the last two months. Why no one could really tell me. Or else I wasn't really there to hear it. All I knew was Cassian and Feyre spent every morning telling me to stay in bed. Of course I didn't listen as soon as they went off to work. 

I was alone when my water broke. I was sitting in the living room, it was a bad day. I had the curtains closed and the world cut off. I kept thinking about a baby with Tomas's face and that evil smile. I was just caught up in my own head because I was alone. 

But then a sharp pain hit my stomach and I screamed out. 

My hands shook, I was a week early. I looked around, I couldn't drive myself. I called Feyre but she didn't answer. My heart sped up, the pain got worse. I didn't want to call an ambulance but I had no other choice.

When I got to the hospital I called the only other person I wanted to be there, "Cass."

He sounded half asleep. But he should've been at work, "hey Nesta. What's up?"

I bit back a groan, "I'm at the hospital. I'm. Having my baby."

He was suddenly alert and I heard him get out of his chair, "I'll be right there. Don't have that baby until I get there okay? Keep your legs closed."

I couldn't help but smile, "I'll try my best."

I hung up as the nurse came in and started to look at the machines. She had a needle in her hand, "alright you ready for the epidural? Your contractions are getting closer together. Which means you're going to go into labor soon."

I nodded, "make the pain stop please."

She smiled and then leaned me forward. It took a few minutes, but damn was it fast working. Slowly my the knots in my stomach unraveled and I felt slightly better. There was a pressure on my bladder, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. 

The nurses came and went, checking the machines and how far apart my contractions were. I smiled and watched, the pain gone completely now. Every once and a while I would feel a contractions but it wasn't like before. This I could handle.

"Nesta?" I heard his voice in the hallway. He was full of panic.

"Cass," I called for him as the nurse glared at me. The door flew open and Cassian came in. His dress shirt was wrinkled and his hair was a mess like he had been pulling it in traffic on his way here. But he had made it, his shirt slightly disheveled. He was a sight for sore eyes. 

I let out a sigh of relief, "thank god. You made it.”

He kissed my forehead, and pushed away my hair. His fingers tapped my arm gently, "I'm here. I made it, sweetheart. Where's Feyre?"

I shook my head as a pain stabbed me through the haze of the medicine, "I couldn't get ahold of her. I just couldn't do this alone," I grabbed his hand and held tightly, "please stay with me."

He looked at the nurse and then nodded, "I'm not going anywhere I promise."

He kissed my cheek and then I squeezed as the pain intensified. The nurse looked at the machine and I squeezed my best friends fingers, "alright the doctor will be here soon. Are you ready to have your baby Nesta?"

I blinked away tears. They wouldn't happy tears, they were scared tears. This was the moment of truth. The moment that would make or break me. Once this baby was born I would have to choose the darkness or the light. 

Cassian anchored me. He kissed my forehead and I looked into his eyes. They were so full of hope, of love. I knew he truly believed I wouldn't have a monster like Tomas.

"You're ready," he whispered softly, "because this baby needs you, Nes."

I nodded, "yeah," I winced as the doctor came in.

He smiled, "alright it looks like the little one is ready to go."

I screamed as I started to push. Cassian held me, his fingers brushing my sweaty hair off my forehead. I cursed him, I cursed Tomas. I spit angry words at my best friend. But he didn't falter, he just held my hand and promised it would be worth it. He promised I would have a child to fall in love with when this was all over.

"I can't," I cried as I leaned into Cassian's chest, "I can't push anymore. I'm tired, so tired."

My best friend squeezed my fingers gently and kissed my temple, "you can do this, Nesta. You're strong and determined and I know you want to meet this little baby. You've spent nine months scared and afraid. Now they're ready to meet you. To prove that they are yours."

I nodded my head, another contraction ripping through me. I kissed Cassian's cheek and he smiled as I fell back into the pillows that propped me up. He was right. I could do this. 

Eighteen hours later the baby was born. She cried loudly and tears were in Cassian's eyes as he watched the doctor hand the baby to the nurse. His words were muffled, "it's a girl!"

He had been right. Cassian had been right from the beginning. I had a little baby girl who was as feisty as I was if her crying was any indication. I let out a small sob as I tried to imagine her tiny little face. The doctors started to clean her and myself off. I couldn't look at the baby, not yet.

"Does dad want to cut the chord?"

Cassian started to protest, but I reached up and put my hand on his arm. I was exhausted, but I forced a smile, "yeah. He does."

Cassian cut the chord and then the doctors swaddled her and suddenly a little bundle was placed in my arms. The moment I looked down at her and a pair of gray eyes looked back at me I was whole again. Because I saw myself in her. I saw everything I never knew possible in her tiny little face. 

"Rey," I whispered softly as I kept staring at her. It was the world finally made sense again, like color had finally gotten brighter and the darkness was chased away by the brightest in her eyes, the grip of her finger on mine. 

Cassian stood beside me, watching as I felt something for my daughter. I finally let her into my heart as I held her in my arms. She was beautiful and the last nine months meant more to me. She looked like me, no trace of Tomas. No pain filled me. She was my baby girl and suddenly I realized she would always be mine.

I let out a breath as I looked up at Cassian, "her name is Rey."

His smile was slow, we saw that movie almost a month ago. But I knew his mind took him back to that day. To the first really good day I had. When I cried because someone thought we were cute and I laughed because I was actually happy. When he told me that this was our baby, not mine or Tomas's. 

She would always belong to us. 

"Hello my little Rey," Cassian reached for her as I leaned back onto the pillows exhausted, "I'm not your father. But I'll be a damn good uncle. And I love you. I love you so much, Rey Acheron."

I smiled slightly as his eyes flashed to mine and then back down at my daughter who was nestled against his chest. She knew she was safe there, she knew he would never let her fall. 

As I laid there watching Cassian fuss over my baby girl I let myself imagine that he was her father. That this wasn't a nightmare and instead the happy ending we would never get to see. I let him fall in love with my little girl, knowing she would need him as much as I always would.

Maybe she was a by product of the worst night in my life. But she was now, and forever would be, the brightest spot in my world.


End file.
